Don't think its gonna last

I'm sick and tired of this life. If something doesn't change, I will make something change.

Is it almost time?

  Cathy is very weak. She insisted I take her out to the flea market Saturday morning and I did. I knew better but she wasn't going to be a good girl if I didn't take her. I did everything I could to keep any stress and/or exertion away from her but it wasn't any good. She has been either unconsious or nearly unconsious for three days now except for maybe an hour and some odd minutes anout 3:00 this morning. She was complaining of cold early yesterday through her haze and I put  a heating pad on her upper legs. Her extremities were getting cold and I believe she didn't have enough life in her to keep her body temperature up and keep her heart beating for very long so I did what I thought best. I also had her on oxygen most of the time since she lost consiousness Sat. She made me leave it off after she woke up early this morning. Also, the heating pad was set on only medium but still gave her a blister on her thigh. I'll have to keep a watch out for any signs of infection. She just doesn't have anything extra in her poor little body to fight with any more. Can't continue.

Suprise, suprise

  Out of the blue, my half sister, Cheryl,  called me yesterday.  I was glad to hear from her. I don't know if I should keep in touch with her or not. She is sweet and my sister but we were raised differently. She had her mother protecting her from everything she could and she doesn't seem to have looked much beyound the surface. She also had our father at least sticking around and he was probably as good a father as I was to my sons but I never got the benefit of any of that because he really never wanted to be my father more than a wistfull thought now and then. I didn't know what to do as a father but I did stick around for my kids and my wife. And I do know that even someone like me being always there was better than no one. Anyway, she has a far different view of our world than I do and I don't think my view of things would be good for her. She seems happy from our conversation and she probably deserves to be happy. Or at least she doesn't deserve my miserable reality. And I'm not good at all keeping things to myself if other people keep bringing the subject up. And it seems like her family experiences are important to her. Very much interaction with me would probably disillousion her quite a bit. If nothing else, she probably wouldn't like me at a minimum and my views of the world could make her as miserable as me. I want to tell you that being brutaly honest with ones self is probably not a good thing for most people. At least not people with my history and a sense of honor or compassion. Cathy needs me. I'll have to think about this some more.

Gonna lose it

  This suks. I have to take my Xanax regularly or I face losing Cathy. There are more than one agencys talking about removing Cathy from my care. She won't go for that and it would mess things up bad. She will not allow them to put her in a nursing home and the only other place she has to go is with some of her family back in Mississippi and they aren't willing to make much effort to keep her happy enough to want to keep living. \The social worker for the hospice just came and left. She seems to have her head on straight thank god. She realizes that Cathy won't do well in an instution or anywhere else besides with me. She knows I'm trying to get help also. She just doesn't have enough pull to get beyound the politics of health and mental health care here in Florida. Maybe things will be OK for Cathy to be in my care and I can handle the drugged out feeling I have with the Xanax and make her life OK as long as she is still living. Later.

Why?

  Well, another example of programs set in place more to make the powerfull feel good about what they are doing to help the downtrodden. I have had problems with my teeth for years and fpor months, have been having a good bit of pain. I got a dentist appointment after waiting for over three months and when they took the X-rays, and saw that I have numerous broken teeth, they send me home to wait another three months. Cathy haqd the same problem with one broken tooth but thank the gods that she has the hospice people trying to help her. Knowing that she is a hospice patient, they did the same thing to her but the hospice people got involved and got her tooth pulled a couple of days later.
  I could see the waiting system if they were actualy busy helping patients, but the three times I have been there, (twice with Cathy and once for myself) there is a lot more time spent being friendly with the group that is supposed to be servicing the public than work being done for the public. And this is at the public health department. Not some place supported by rich clients with health insurance to pay for all the "group hugs and back patting " that is going on. These people are being paid by the public to help the public. There is a lot of talk about "entitlements" for the poor and retired but the rich and well off seem to think its their entitlement to take it easy while accepting comparably large compensation arraingments for them to just be there and leasurely do a little work. I did my part as long as I was able. I built schools, hospitals, shopping malls, and power plants all over this country for just a livable wage till I started getting hurt and unable to do my job. Even then, I tried to return to work after getting my own training and certifications as a computer and network technician. I had also always tried before that to do whatever I could. Hard work with your head down was all I could get but I did my best and got my contractors license after state certification but then got hurt again in a car accident where I got rear ended at a traffic light. Now, when I'm bent and broken, there is nothing for me but pain and misery. You know what, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired (pain and misery) all the time.

Here again

  It still suks to  be me. I broke down in the doctors office today. That was hard to go through. I almost walked out. I do need some kind of help but I  don't know if there is anything anyone can do. I don't know what will help that isn't beyound what is acceptable. I will not let anyone put Cathy in a nursing home. She is the only thing anyone could change that would make any difference in my life but I will gladly keep suffering rather than allow her to be put anywhere she doesn't want to be.
  I believe I have Meineres Disease. I have all the symptoms of an advanced case od the disease. What I have always dismissed as a stomach flu or just some little problem is actualy vertigo caused by the Meineres Disease. I have akways just said I was a little dizzy and nauseated when having to answer to anyone about what was wrong with me. Sometimes, it gets a lot worse than just a little dizzy. It can get bad enough for me to have to find somewhere to lay down. I remember one time while talking to a cop that I had to set down to prevent myself from falling down. I now I have felt it as bad as that at other times but under normal circumstances, I find somewhere to lay down but you can't just tell a cop to come back later because your starting to feel ill.
  I have said it suks to be me kinda jokingly but I think it realy does suk to be me. Thats a terrible thing to have to admit to myself. I'm a realist, or try to be anyway, and feel the need to be totaly honest with myself. Things would be so much easier to be able to lie to myself, as I have apparently been doing for the past 30 something years, and believe everything is alright or fixable. As it is, its pretty hard to get my mind around the fact that I have probably been lying to myself for so long. This is going the wrong way.

blah

  Well, things are starting to intensify again.After a couple of weeks of just plain misery, everything starts blowing up again. Don't know what to do. I keep swinging back and forth between rage and depression. Not just anger and a little depressed but full blown rage and tears falling uncontrolably down my face.I can't figure anything that would be a trigger and I can't seem to get it under control. And the screaming in my head is pretty intense too. I have to switch back and forth between turning my music up loud to try to interfeer with the noise and turning it back down because it gets annoying and makes the rage worse. God, one at a time is bad enough but everything blows up around the same time. Poor Cathy is not helping things but she isn't doing anything she hasn't been doing the past couple of weeks. I wish she would realize when I need for her to not make any problems for me but she doesn't.  Later.

Been awhile

  Well its been awhile since my last post. I really don't like doing this but it is the only place I have to express myself and my frustration with life. Nothing has really changed but the date and time. Well, I did get a letter from SS denying my disability claim. That kinda set off another episode. First the anger at the stupidity of it and then the tears from depression. Just another day. Cathy is doing wel considering she can die from just maling herself to tired or exausted. Two nights in a row I woke up to find her trying to move about by herself and plunder through her stuff. She is going to kill herself but she won't listen to me. I can't say I blame her. What kind of life is it for her to just rest all the time? I do try to engage her with conversation sometimes but that never works out to anything good. I try to get her out of the house as much as possible but she is never satisfied with what I can do for her and we end up arguing and mad at each other so I don't take out as often as she would like. So she gets mad about that too. I have to keep taking my Xanax just to keep myself under some kind of control. It doesn't do a good job but it does slow me down enough that I have a little more time to walk away from her before I do too much damage. I was letting myself get dependant on them and had a hard time getting them refilled one time so I slowed down on taking them. Its like everything else in my life, just not there when needed. Anyway, now I will sometimes go without them for a day or two just to know I can. Later.

Still S O S O

  Well, the holidays are over and things weren't too bad. If the noise would go away,  I think it would be easier to cope. It never goes away. It is insidious and makes it impossible for me to get any thing near a normal life for even five minutes, unless I am unconsious. What kind of way is that to live. It makes everything worse. I have the Xanax to help with anxiety and depression ssomewhat but I can't take a dosage high enough to know that I won't explode in public or I will have to go to sleep. My dear sweet wife has to bear the worst of my episodes and she is in no condition to do take all that abuse. I hate that she gets so much abusive treatment but there isn't anyone else to care for her and let her know that she matters. No one else will be there for the long haul. Our son has already stated she, and me when the time comes, will have to go to a nursing home and  Cathy won't live long without someone that cares a lot about her well being and willing to come every time she calls and not wait till she does something on her own and hurts herself. I know there are times at night when I am very tired that I'm not as supportive as I should be. And there are times when things in my head are troublesome and I can't keep control of my temper but I always love and cherrish her and do my best to get some distance and let her know to not bother me unless she really needs something. She doesn't always heed my advice and she suffers some because of it but she wants me and I want to be here for her when ever she wants or needs me. Here it comes again so gotta go.

same ol same ol

  Well, its been a week and things are stagnant. This noise is terrible right now but that isn't unusual. I'm thinking about learning sign language. I don't know if I can keep going with this thing getting worse and worse for the next 20 years.
  Cathy is doing about the same. She wakes up in the morning in pain and spends about and hour and a half to two hours making my life miserable and then she gets worn out and spends most of the rest of the day in bed. But, she gets up again sometime later in the day and starts all over again. Can't blame the dear heart. I don't know how I'ld act in the same position. I recon being somewhat mentally underdeveloped helps some. I still try to keep her from believing she is dying and it still works most of the time.
  It's unbearably hot around here. two ACs trying to cool two rooms and a bathroom can't keep it below 87 inside sometimes. I walk outside and its like the air is too hot and too thick to breath. I'm in terrible shape. We can't afford it but I hired a kid to cut the grass for $30 today. I'm almost afraid for anybody to do anything around here in this heat for fear they might get sick and/or hurt and sue me. This house is the only thing I have of any value to sell after Cathy is gone to restart my life with, somewhere in a better climate. Maybe go up to Alaska. I always wanted to go there. In my condition, it would probably be a toss up as to weather I starved to death before I could freeze to death or vise versa.
  Seams like death is always near in my mind now days. My oldest son died a few years back and Cathy is near dying now and I don't know if I want to be around anymore myself. Maybe go back to being drunk all the time and won't have to care then. Its been a long time since I got into a bar fight. Wonder how things would turn out now days?
  Well, this is depressing enough for now. Later

good and not so good

  Cathy is somewhat stronger but not much. I had a another psych evaluation today and it was a joke. This was the most dis-interested guy I have ever seen. I feel bad about having to get a sitter for Cathy and leaving her for this appointment. She needs me pretty close right now and I abandoned her without anything worthwhile coming out of it. I think I'm going to give all my guns to my son, Joshua. He has been keeping them for me anyway. Multiple reasons for that but I think it best I don't have access to any guns anymore. I might shouldn't be thinking about all this. It makes things come up that I am doing my darndest to keep burried.

Don't know

  Cathy's not doing well. Her pulse and BP aren't as bad as they have been at times but its lower than recent times. She's either sleeping or crying in pain. I am giving her alcahol rubs on her feet abd legs and arms. She's back on oxygen. I'm hopeful.

My poor baby

  Cathy has been having a hard time of it lately. Her little heart just ain't strong enough any more. She is passing out/nodding off a lot now andf when awake, is obsessive about whatever is on her mind. Except for the time she has been out of it, she has spent today crawling around on the floor looking for beads she has dropped. Her mind is slowing down a lot. I hope this is just another bump in the road, like so many she has come through. Kinda tough.

not too bad

  Cathy has spent most of the day in bed. That has been a relief, not having to deal with her very much. My ankle is the worst thing left over from yesterday. I don't know if I mentioned it but I got my Xanax refilled and that helps with controling my anger when Cathy acts like she did yesterday. I shouldn't have to need anything to keep myself under control. I wish I didn't. I know that I love Cathy and should be treasuring every minuite with her instead of getting angry all the time. And my anger doesn't do any good for anybody. And it does hurt Cathy. Thats the worst part. Its not like she doesn't have enough pain and anguish in her life already. And I'm the best option she has. She ain't no angel but she never did anything to deserve all this misery layed on her. Hell, neither have I.

Back to suks

  Well, this morning was supposed to be a short but pleasant day at the flea market but turned out to be the usual argument about buying stuff she has no need for and no capabilities of taking care of. Plants mostly. I let her buy small shoes for her doll. I pushed her all over that place and just wore myself out as well as getting a lot of pain from my back, hips and ankle. I was just barely able to help her back into the van without falling down myself. And nothing I do is ever enough. Now I feel like shit and hurting and she is giving me problems. I have to keep in mind that no matter what happens, I love her and want what is best for her and for her to be as happy as she can in our circumstances. The alternative is not having her around and I am not going to be any better off without her no matter what goes through my mind at times. I'm gonna go lay down and straighten out my back for awhile. Later.

Skipped a day

  Well, I missed posting and it didn't hurt anything. may have been better off for it because I didn't let things come to the surface that bother me. I can't say that about the times when I write in this blog. I have to pay attention to what I'm doing and that leads to thinking and that leads to problems. Gonna try to take Cathy out somewheres this weekend and don't want anything bad coming to the surface before I do so I'm gonna forget about this thing till then. Unless something comes up without any outside influences. Later.

It must be love

  I gave in and am better off for it. Maybe not financially but I don't have the dreaded thoughts about leaving Cathy. I agreed to figure out a way to move her back to Mississippi. I need to find out how much her family is willing to help this time and hold them to it if thats possible. I don't think I'll count on anything that will make a difference in weather or not we have a place to stay or not but if I have to temporarily live in a camper and build an addition, I would be willing to expect them to help with building an addition but I would have to own the land and camper free and clear without depending on anyone else. I know that even a decent fifth wheel camper will be tight but maybe that will be easier for Cathy to get around in because there would be something to hold onto just about everywhere. Is this another fools errand? I think I can make it work. We have plenty of time to figure it all out. It would take me at least a year to get this place in condition to be saleable. Then, no telling how long before anyone might buy it. At least that will be one thing that won't be between me and Cathy anymore. Before today, I had been refusing to even consider moving back to Mississippi again and that may have been more important to her than I had realized. I hope having a goal that she wants will make things easier between us anyway. We'll see.

New day

  How does someone that has trouble getting normal people to understand him talk with someone that has difficulty understanding anything beyond what she wants at the moment? We can't keep going on like this. I can't keep on the way things are. At least the nurse at the clinic I go to called me back late yesterday and should have my Xanax refilled today. I recon that if I can expect Cathy to change the way she is acting, I can start taking the Xanax at regular intervals so I can have better control over myself. Its unreasonable to ask her to change without giving anything myself. Whatever happens, this will be the last person I allow to become such a large part of my life. Probably the last time anyone becomes any thing more than an acquaintance. I have enough problems of my own that I can't deal with, I don't need anyone adding to them. I am going to suggest to Cathy that if she can quit making things hard for me, and we can do it without getting ourselves in a worse situation than we are in now, I'll try to find a way to move us back to Mississippi. It seems that is what is important to her now. If we can even talk anymore. Last night was a pretty big blow up. Things may have gotten beyond anything that can be fixed. I don't know if I should even offer to move back . A lot of things would have to fall in place for us to be able to move back without making our situation worse. If I were to make a promise like that to her and things didn't work out, I don't know how badly she would react. I recon it couldn't get any worse than the way things are now. Its kinda hard to think things through with this noise in my head. Later.

good night not now

  Will I ever get any relief for more than a few hours? Cathy is going at it again. I'm almost ready to call someone to come get her. She is doing everything she knows will piss me off. She talked to her cousin again. She seems to get worse everytime she talks to that bitch. She has no comprehension of how bad she is affecting me. She doesn't want to. I don't know how to impress upon her that if she keeps making my life too miserable that I will not continue. At least I didn't knock a hole in the door or wall this time. The door to the other room is a lot tougher than the one to our bedroom. My hand hurts pretty bad though. I think it was the pain that made me stop beating on the door this time. I think I'd rather the door shatter than my hand. I hurt my ankle too stomping on a cooler. I don't know what to do. If I leave her to whatever fate would do to her without me, will I be able to live with myself?  If I don't have her anymore will I be able to live by myself? Is continuing this miserable existance worth the trouble?

Falling through the cracks

  I am still having problems with getting my Xanax refilled or even getting through to a human that is interested or even cares. I don't know what the problem is. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go down there and try to talk to someone because I don't think I can keep myself under control well enough to not get into trouble. I'm not afraid of trouble myself but I can't risk being detained for aany reason because I need to be able to take care of Cathy. It took me forever to get this clinic to see me. I don't know how to find another doctor here in Florida. No one wants medicaid parients here anymore. I need to get copies of any records I can get ahold of. Starting all the way back to 85 when I messed up my ankle and then 96 when I agrivated my back to where it hurts all the time and recently from when I started trying to get something done to help me make it through some of my troubles. Maybe someday, I'll find a decent health system. If I do, I don't want to depend on anyone to get my records in order and forwarded to where I need them to go. If I have copys of them myself, I'll know they are there when I need them to be there. Later.

good night

  Well, I had a good nights sleep last night. Best I've had in a while. I know I slept for at lesat 5 hours between first going to bed and catching a nap about 4:00 this morning.  Probably because I was so tired but I'll take it whatever the cause. After getting things loosened up, I could actualy feel good if it weren't for the ever present noise.  Cathy is still resting and all is OK with me for now. Hurray, at least for now.

A friend indeed

  A friend had a laptop computer that I checked out for him as well as some pieces of junk he got at some auction. He came to pick up the laptop and left me a small gift.  I feel much better now. I don't have to be afraid to go to sleep again tonight. As bad as things get, its much worse if I can't sleep without such bad dreams. I don't even want to go to sleep when I know that I'm liable to have them. Anxiety and rage have nothing on waking up in a panic and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It takes me a long time to settle down when it happens. I just can't lay down and try to go back to sleep. So I'm tired, sore and afraid to go back to sleep. I seem to get pretty active during some of those type dreams. I normaly toss and turn when I sleep but I wake up fighting whatever demons my mind has conjoured up during some of them. Being trapped in a cardboard box with cars running me over and being in a fire fight with no amunition or a jammed gun or can't find my gun. Not fantasy demons but just as terrifying as anything anyone could make up. Or at least I don't remember any fantasy type nightmares. Just the fighting and running or trying to run or escape type.
  When you think your life is about as bad as it can get, something reminds me it can get a lot worse. Thank god Cathy has been being good so far today. Maybe she noticed I have been a little touchy since I ran out of Xanax. I couldn't even get anyone on the phone at the clinic I go to today. Why do I accept being the one that always falls between the cracks so to speak. Hell, why do I always fall between the cracks. Even the most important person in my world doesn't show any concern for me except when I lose it and let her know some of what I suffer through to stay with her and take care of her. My son that we gave everything to so he wouldn't feel like the poor relative growing up doesn't even hardly call and only came by when he was finished vacationing and going back to his motel to rest before returning to his home. I can't realy blame him for not having much to do with Cathy and me. We aren't very lively or interesting or anything and there just ain't that much to talk about between us I recon. Can't continue.

Bad night

  Well, this was a terrible night. Very little sleep and I woke up twice in a panic from nightmares. Can't remember now exactly what they were about but I was terrified when they woke me up. I finaly quit even trying to go back to sleep. I don't like sleep like that. Cathy didn't sleep well either. At least not untill I got up and stayed up. Now, she's sleeping like a baby. I recon I'm gonna fix some breakfast so later.

Cathy should be happy

  I fixed a drawer for her cabinet this morning and found her earrings she had been making me miserable over for over a month. Then she wants a full on cooked meal. And I have been having those strange pains again. They feel like a stabbing, hot, touchy pain. I can press on the spot without any distress from the touch but let something just brush up against it or very light pressure and it hurts like all get out. It's been a few weeks since they were a problem but they can sure add problems when I already got plenty. And I don't think my doctor cares much. He doesn't really listen to what I say all the time but like everyone else hears what he wants or expects to hear. The last time I saw him, he said he doesn't really need to see me again unless something comes up. And now, he's on vacation with me not able to get my medication refilled till he gets back. I thought he might be different when I first met him and he is definitely not as bad as a lot of the ones I've seen in the past but I don't believe I'm anything more than a step on his path in life and easily dismissed. And I'm having trouble finding a friend that can help me out so things are gonna suk for a while. I can live with the short sleep but I have terrible nightmares when I don't have anything to help me sleep.   Anywhere from just frightening and torturous to extremely violent and always frustrated to do anything in them. And Cathy was demanding my attention when we went and got a few groceries and I forgot about anything I wanted. I wanted to look at some of the computer games disks that have a bunch of old type games pretty cheap. Solitaire and hearts are OK but it might be better if I had some variety in my distractions. Be able to keep my mind off things for longer and maybe not be quite as easily dominated by either pain or the noise in my head. Sometimes, there isn't anything I can do to keep the depression from making me cry. Not really crying but tears just running down my face and won't stop. gotta go. Cathy wants something and won't leave me alone.

Really suks again

  Another day and I can't get my Xanax refilled because my doctor is on vacation. As soon as I start depending on anyone besides myself , they fuk things up for me. I doon't know why things are getting so bad right now. I actually had a decent nights sleep for me. I slept for almpst 5 hours straight. And I took a short nap before the sun started showing. Having a hard time even putting a complete sentence together. tears won't stop. Cathy's a little week and she is having some confusion today. I'm going to have to call a friend for a little help. Can't be acting like this when Cathy needs me to help her. And now she's passing out again. later

suks again

  Don't know why I bother with this. Don't know why I bother with anything. Cathy woke up around 3 and kept getting me to do things till I lost any chances of getting back to sleep. Playing cards on this thing gets pretty boring after 3 or 4 hours. I think I'll look into some of the cheap game disks with a lot of old simple games to play so I might find something else besides solitaire and hearts. Don't know why my poker site quit playing free games. I don't realy gamble. I have lost about maybe $60 between all the casino visits and on-line gambling over the years. It would be easy for someone to convince themselves that they could win more than lose. At least there is one bright spot to being brutally honest with ones self  and that keeps me from being too big a fool with things like gambling and being scamed for a suker. It doesn't keep me from making bad deals and coming out on the losing end but I don't care that much about things and or money as long as I have what I need. There have been two areas of my life where I have consistantly been willing to take a loss and they won't be a problem any more soon. My mothers other surviving son was one of those and he won't even come around unless theres something in it for him so I won't be dealing with him ever again more than likely and Cathy's life is on a short string and I won't be worried about making her happy any more after she's gone so that covers almost all of my weak points. If I didn't have this noise in my head all the time, I could do what. Fool myself into thinking I could be normal. Forget about the pain I endure and the depression and rages I  swing back and forth through all the time. I can't even fool myself into focusing on one thing to blame all my problems on. How do people fool themselves all the time? Reality has to show up sometime or another. How do they handle knowing their entire existance is a fraud. I know my mothers other surviving son has a big problem letting the truth enter his world. I backed him into a corner one time and showed him where all his self worth was based on total lies and he couldn't even speak for a little while and when he was able to get himself back together, he just up and left. Maybe its easier to be happy when your whole world suks if you can keep telling yourself "I'm the best" "I'm better than you" . Thats him all over. I just don't see how anyone can keep telling themselves such lies when the world shows them they are wrong. I can't. Maybe get somewhere that I can depend on public transportation and start drinking again. That got me half way through my life with better results than I've had since I quit drinking. I'ld probably get hurt or killed if were to start drinking again. I had little resistance to getting angry when I was drinking and did get into a few scraps back then. Even got arrested for going after the landlord with a shotgun once. God I've got to figure out what to do.

Bad nap

  I finaly got a short nap. didn't need the Xanax which is a good thing because I'm out. Feels like I took some though. I can't shake the fog out of my brain. There is something else worrying me too. I have this jagged area at the edge of my vision. Don't know any better way to describe it.  It was there this morning and I thought it was dirty glasses or something but cleaning my glasses didn't help. My doctors on vacation for this week so I can't get my Xanax refilled till he come back. I thought that was the reason for clinics, so there would always be someone to take up slack for times like this. I never get any help from doctors when all is said and done. They are worse than shade tree mechanics with a degree. "We'll keep trying something till we kill you or cure you. And if we can't do either, we'll just tell you its all in your head. " Jackasses, all of them. A revolution is what we need. Teach all the jackasses that think they are better than everyone else and their education and economic status gives them rights and  privlidges above the rest of us. And make public deception the crime instead of cannibis and other drug posession. Hang them all like Iran does people that use drugs. Bet we could get an honest government then. Right now, we have a branch of our government that is in place for the sole purpose of decieving and incarcerating the public. ONDP and the chief liar, the drug czar. I would like to know who the shadow government is made up of that keeps making their agendas priority no matter who gets elected. I would be willing to take up the cause of elimenating them after Cathy's time is done. They deserve no better than assination with extream prejudice. And then move on to the politicians that lie and use fear monger tactics to gain political power and control people instead of exploring truth and honesty. We need to go back to regulating all media sources so no person or group of people can gain control of mmore than one single media outlet and make it stronger by making that restriction across the entire country. Deregulation is the lie put out that is  allowing a few people to consolidate enough power to run this country without ever running for government office.Bad things are running through my head right now so I gotta go.

Garbage day

  Well, its another day. Sun is coming up and I haven't gotten much sleep. Cathy's brother came back but I wouldn't let them stay again. He is a capable truck driver but working interferes with his drinking so he doesn't want to work. When he does, he just throws his money away at truck stops buying mostly junk. so he is always broke with no home to go to and looking for a handout. Crying about "someone could give him a car and he wouldn't have to borrow anybody's car to get around. He sold his vehicle for spending cash to avoid going to work the last time he had one. I had to make sure I was out of Cathy's hearing but I told him he wasn't allowed to even spend the night here any more. Still pissed off this morning. Probably why I can't sleep. They didn't leave till after 1:00 in the morning. I finally got some sleep but only about 2 1/2 hours. Cathy woke up needing to use her potty chair and is sore from going to the beach about 3:00 and I never got back to sleep. Yet. Maybe I will be able to get a nap later. Anyway, the reason they came back down here was they had some how gotten her grand daughter and were forced to bring her back to her mother. The only reason they wanted the baby was to get a welfare check on her. And the way they got the baby was to call the police on her own daughter talking about shooting drugs and she is ashamed to admit that her  daughter was even related to her doing such stuff. And this bitch grabbed Cathy's liquid  morphine and took a big swig when Cathy was fresh out of the hospital. I ran them off then and should have blocked any calls from either of them. They would have just found another phone to call from if I had so why bother and give Cathy something to upset her. Well, yesterday wasn't too bad till they showed up so I guess I cab say I had a good day at least once so far this month and it's only one day old. One good day out of one is a pretty good ratio. Too bad I'm not stupid enough to believe that crap. But it was still a decent day till they showed up. I need to keep awareness of any good times up. later.

Went to the beach today

  As usual, I screwed it up. This time, I did screw it up but she could have at least appreciated my efforts. But she wouldn't have been satisfied if I had gotten drinks and dogs and everything set up before hand. She wanted to ggo to Walmart and buy more of the same shit she has and hasn't even started to use yet. It hurt me to get her down into the water and back. it's kinda tough walikng in that sand alone but having to walk her and me going backwards was even harder. We didn't even try her wheel chair in that sand and I wasn't gonna let her get in the water with it either. I had bought her a pretty good float and she did enjoy laying in that as long as I was beside her to keep her safe. I went and got some sun screen so no sun burns. I realy should have planned better. That sunscreen cost $18 on the beach. No cooking, dishes or anything not absolutly necessary after we got home. Not even a shower. Maybe this weekend.
  All in all, I'd say it was one of my/our better days so far. We'll see what the rest of the evening brings. Later.

evening

  Cathy wanted something besides a frozen dinner so I cooked a meal. I hate when I have to do that. I'm on my feet for almost an hour and I feel every second of it now. Everything hurts. I bumped my hand in the sink and it started up hurting again. Its not broken because the swelling went down but it sure is tender. Kinda hard to just ignore now. I'll ease up tonight or tomorrow. I'll just baby it for a while. My back, hips and ankle are bothering me a lot too. And I am gonna have to wash dishes sometime tomorrow. I recon I need to get a bath too. My beard is starting to bother me so I know its time to get cleaned up right with a shower and all instead of just washing up in the sink. I gotta go lay down and straighten out my back for a while. Later.

Tuesday

  It's just another day. Nothing remarkable. Same ol same ol. Noise, pain, tears, but no anger so far. Thats good for everyone around here. The "no anger" part. music is working. Xanax is working. I'm tired but don't want to take them close enough together to put me to sleep. I wake up real stupid and it takes a while to get my head straightened out. Besides all that, my  refill hasn't been called in and I've only got one left. I hate it when people hide behind answering machines and I'm just stuck here waiting on someone to do something and all I can do is wait and wait and wait. Better stop here.

11:00 and alls shit

    Cathy took a long nap this afternoon and isn't going to behave this evening. It took me 15 minutes to write that last sentence. I just can't get things right. I don't know what to do. Cathy is very lonely and I'm no help to in that area. I try to do some little things to help her but I can never do enough for her. She's never satisfied. then I try to talk with her and not at her but I always get angry and have to walm away.  Sometimes I don't walk away quickly enough and do things I shouldn't do. The hole in the bedroom door is a little larger tonight. My hand hurts like all get out. Hope it isn't broken again. Anyway, these situations aren't good for anybody. Poor Cathy was scared and hurt. She has no understanding of what the term "leave me alone right now" means. Maybe she doesn't hear me sometimes. I can't even remember what she was talking about at the time. Probably nothing to get angry about and definitely nothing to get as angry as I do. I feel sorry for her a lot of the time. But theres nobody to take my place besides a couple of people that only want a free place to live and control of her disability check. She has one brother and one sister that aren't good for her but they are the only ones that have much to do with her. She has an older brother who was going to help out for a while but started getting mad at his wife for taking so much time caring for Cathy that he was being neglected. He didn't say anything to Cathy or myself but said it to hos wife in front of us and told Cathy she was going to have to grow up or something to that effect. I believe he was glad when I brought her home. And he only had to put up with her for 3 or 4 weeks and has a wife to do everything but make any decisions. He makes offers he hopes we won't take him up on but he would man up for at least a little while if I were to call on him for help. At least he acts like a grown man and is willing to at least try to help out. She has 4 sisters and they are all crazy. One is out for everything she can get and then throws most of it way at some casino. One is an alcoholic Jehovah's Witness and thinks she is better than us and acts condescending. Can't stand her at all. The other one is the one that was gonna marry my older brother till he died. It was her son that is the child of my dead brother that I had to pay for DNA testing when probating my mothers house. My mothers other surviving son was trying everything  he could to steal this house. She is crazy as a loon. She takes a lot of medications and sometimes she's alright, sometimes she pretty spacey but still alright and then sometimes she can just turn on you all of a sudden. She isn't violent but she can be mean and hateful.
  I wish my hand would quit hurting. i would go to the ER but there isn't anything they can do to help me. just give some drug that either won't help at all or something that has very bad side effects. I can't get a shot to get knocked out because I have to be able to take care of Cathy. Loratabs and oxycontin and their ilk make me sick as a dog. ultram and tylonol 3 and darvacette don't help at prescribed doses and make me sick if I take more to try and get some relief.
  Now she's bitching about the door. I suppose I should get another one and replace it. Then I would have to fix the wall behind it where I embedded the door in it. Damn, everything is piling up on me. I've spent all day between Cathy and laundry and am tired and in some serious pain. All I want is to smoke a little and lay down with some light music  and go to sleep. Thats the only time I have any peace is when I'm unconsious. Well shit. Later

Memorial day

Well, its just another day. And Cathy has been taken care of as far as her morning meds and a trip to the bathroom. Had to take a Xanax already. It feels like my life is over. I hurt 24 hours a day. I have this noise screaming in my head eternaly. I am out of breath after just walking Cathy less than 10 feet to her potty chair and putting her back to bed. If I go outside in the heat, it gets worse. I'm always either crying or angry. Never have anything to do that is actually enjoyable. Well, there are moments where I have pleasant things go through my mind like when I can think about something nice to do with Cathy. But those times are very few and don't last long. I've had two days in the past 10 months that I could do anything I wanted to and all I could do was find somewhere out of the heat and turn my MP3 player on to distract me from the noise and keep the rest of the world out. Even being at the beach wasn't enjoyable. Right now, I have a purpose with Cathy needing me. What will I have when she's gone? What will I do? I already am out of place out in public. Are things going to get worse without Cathy?

He's gone

  Thank goodness he's gone. Its a new day and I have no one around but Cathy and she is sleeping. I couldn't get her to go to sleep till sometime after 1:00 this morning. Her sister didn't get here till nearly midnight to pick him up. Then they had to "visit" for a while. Thats OK. At least she took him with her when she left. She called back a while after they left asking about weather or not he had gotten a check or any money since he had been here. He is lying to her too apparently. Buts its all OK. The only thing I have to deal with today so far is the noise and my back a little. The noise isn't so intense that my music doesn't help. I can't turn it up loud because Cathy's resting but at least its distracting from the noise a little. Keeps me from climbing the wall. So for now, theres peace on the home front. I'm gonna plan to watch the race today and take it easy if Cathy doesn't get up and cause a lot of problems. Later.

Saturday

  Its been a long day. I've spent most of it closed off with the air conditioner. I am keeping tabs on Cathy but I can't stand to be around her brother. If his mouth is open and any thing is coming out besides air, hes lying. If I can't believe what someone has to say, there is no point in listening to them say anything.
  I was gonna take Cathy to the beach this morning before her brother showed up. I can't be around him very much. I just want to smash his face most of the time. I can't stand to even look at him. And I can't stand that Cathy wants to keep giving things to him. gotta go

Can't get a break

  What do I have to do to get a break? Jump off the face of the earth?. Don't look I'm gonna get any more breaks in this life. Unless its a broken head or some such break. Cathy's brother showed up again. I don't like him. I don't trust him. I don't want him around me. I can't make too much of a fuss or it will cause Cathy to get upset for no good reason. I give her too much grief already. I'll have to hold back as long as I can. Damn I hate them Xanax. Or I hate having to take them. And he just walks right in like he belongs here. I just want to be left alone. And there he goes. Just long enough to irritate me. Looks like I missed my shot last week with all the "end of the world" types. They were wrong again. Not that I want the world to end. I just get tired of having to be in it some times. Good thing I'm a coward about doing anything permanant I recon.

starting early

  Woke up in shit this morning. Or should I say last night? Somewhere a little after 3:oo, I gave up. nothing I'm willing to put up with was helping. Still isn't. Tried washing the dishes and all that got me was my back, hips and ankle hurting pretty bad even before daylight. I had to go out to the van and get my MP3 player. I couldn't turn my computer up loud enough without risking disturbing Cathy's rest. And the music does help even when I have to turn it up pretty loud. Sometimes not enough but always some. I'm going to have to figure out something. I'll try overlapping my Xanax and see if I can get a nap later this morning.  I'm very tired. So what else is new. Between the noise and the music, I can't pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time. Can't even finish a complete sentence all at one time. Later.

Didn't help long

  Well, I had another day off away from Cathy. Even took my Xanax. Had to have my MP3 in both ears at the beach on a mid week day. The biggest noise was this inside my head. It is intense today. Even overlaping the Xanax wouldn't let me take a nap when they usualy make me take one. I would lay down in the van for a while and just stay there. I really needed something beside anger to be more intense than this noise. Still do. Cathy is making it hard to keep the anger away. She is not a person I would choose to be around but for some strange reason I love her. Those were the only pleasant thoughts I had when I went to the beach. Imagining holding her and helping her walk to the water and holding her while we walked in. Never got any farther than that. Couldn't find anything pleasant to occupy my mind because the noise wouldn't let me think very long before my thought turned to hateing this noise, its so bad today. Just won't let me ignore it for any length of time. just don't know

Forgot the garbage

   Yesterdays change threw me off my schedule. I forgot to put out the garbage can last night. That means we're gonna have two week old garbage hanging around before they come back. Like things don't stink enough around here. That's more a figurative statement because my smeller don't work very good. But I will probably be able to smell that garbage by the time they pick it up. Yesterday was good for me if for no other reason than I had at least 4 hours where I had no contact with anyone. A couple of either gays or hustlers came and set down close to me but I just put listened to my music and kept a watch on them out the side of my glasses. I really don't like being out amongst people unless its necessary like going to the store or doctor. Even then I don't like it but sometimes its necessary.
  It was nice not to have to deal with Cathy for a while. That kinda makes things a little tough though. I don't know what to say to Cathy. I'm her security blanket sorta. I'm always there. Well almost always. She doesn't like it when I'm gone for more than a few minutes like to the drug store which is just 4 blocks away. And I drive so I'm generally not gone more than 10 - 15 minutes at a time what with the dollar store just next door. If I expect to be longer than that, she wants me to take her with me. How do I tell such a fragile person I need to get away from her. The lady  that was staying with her yesterday is coming again today and Cathy is unhappy before she even gets here.
  Boy, if its not one thing its another. About the only way I can stop things from coming up is to be asleep. Or dead maybe. Well, its Xanax time again. Damn, I hate that. Its bad enough to have to take something that makes me feel stupid but to have the problems not completely go away even then makes it not worth bothering.

Something new

Cathy had someone come in and care for her today for 8 hours. I saw the doctor for the reason that the girl from Lakeview center wanted to and went by and signed a release for them to get the information. It was pretty aggravating having to set in a waiting room full of people making a lot of noise. I had to put both ear buds in to keep all the other noise from getting too much for me to handle. That made it hard to hear when peoples names were being called to see the doctor. I had to get right up amongst them to be close enough to know when someone was being called so I could pause my MP3 player to listen to who was being called. I don't think much of the doctors opinion he expressed to me. My problems are caused by drug use during my teen age years. Nothing to do with being hit in the head with a small sledge hammer 25-30 years ago. I agree about the hammer incident but not the drug use. Nothing about all the noise on my head. Nothing about being abused by my own mother. Nothing about being shuttled around from one place to another when my mother didn't want us. Nothing about being made to feel like I was less than everyone else by my step mother and uncle during my stays with them. Nothing about my father abandoning my mother and my brothers when we were very young. Nothing about way he acted after he found me as  an adult and conned me into moving to Arkansas with promises of making up for some of his mistakes when I was young and then abandoning me again except when he wanted to get drunk. He would tolerate me then because his wife would get me to stay with him while he made the rounds and keep him out of trouble. He was just a pile of shit for a father. Likable but never a father which was what I wanted him to be. My mother was mean and hateful, but at least she never ignored us except when  she would leave us with other people. She wasn't too bad with my brothers but me and my little sister were just not as good as they were for some reason. Maybe because they looked like our father. Jennifer had a different father that us boys. I should have been a better brother to her. She would probably be alive today if anyone had taken an interest in her. I actually made her leave when she was staying with me and Cathy not long before she got killed. If I hadn't done that, she wouldn't have been where she was doing the things she was doing when she got ran over. It would be nice for her to be around now. she did look up to me and I not only let her down, but I treated her the same way everyone treated me and shoved her away. Theres really no excuses for some of the things I have done.

from bad to worse

I did not help things today. The Xanax didn't help. I had to get away from Cathy before I could get settled down and that took a few hours. I couldn't leave her so I just moved the van around back under some shade and listened to my MP3 player till I could get things straightened out in my head. The girl that helps bathe her came and rousted  me from the van. I got them lined out and took another Xanax and then went back out to the van. I just couldn't be around anybody, not even, or maybe especialy Cathy. Then the nurse came around and rousted me again. I think I had dozed off for a short while because when I saw the state Cathy had worked herself into, my heart melted. I wasn't angry any more and did everything I could to sooth her. It took a little while but I finaly got her calmed down and resting. I lay down with her after the nurse left and we both went to sleep for a couple of hours. It had to have been the Xanax. When I woke up, I felt like I hadden't had any sleep for the past week or so. It feels like trying funtion with a small portion of my brain or something like that. I don't really know how to exress myself well enough to acuratly describe the feeling. I literaly have to make a great inner effort to get through whatever it is Im feeling to get to normal. Or at least whats normal for me. Its hard to go through that and not go right back to angry. I've been touchy all day since then but I'm aware of things and try to avoid contact with Cathy as much as possible right now without leaving her alone again. She wasn't really alone this morning but she didn't know I was just out back in the van. She thought I had left till the girl came and got me to make sure it was alright to care for Cathy. There are things I have to do when she comes like get the power pack for Cathy's bath chair. And the hospice social worker came by. She has arainged someone to set with Cathy a couple days a week so I can get away from her a little and maybe not be as easily upset all the time. Maybe that is what I need. We'll see.
  That reminds me. I need to get a shower tonight. And a shave too. I'm going to use tomorrow to catch up with a doctors exam tomorrow for the physcologist or whatever she is. She wants a regular doctor to "determine" that me getting hit in the head with a small sledge hammer years ago hsan't left me with an injury that is an underlying reason for the problems I have. It was over 25 years ago.

Another day

  God, I don't know what I'm gonna do.I can't believe she makes my life hard just because she wants to. It does seem that way a lot of the time. The hospice nurse comes today. I have probably asked before but i am gonna ask today if there is any kind of day care I can take Cathy to sometimes. That would be a great help for me and she might enjoy interacting with other people some. She is starting , no has been doing her shit for hours already. She is a master at manipulation and uses confusion as a weapon. She asks " how does her calling me repeatedly cause me pain. I explain over and over that every step I take on my messed up ankle hurts. " Oh you poor thing" is what I get. She would make a normal person want to leave. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me the way she does. If I send her wawy or leave her, I'm convinced she will wither and die. Maybe that would be the best thing for all involved. I get very little out of this life and she just crushes every little thing that I have a chance to enjoy. I just told her I don't want to be married to her any more. I can't take her total disregard for the misery she causes me. I have enough without any more from her. She won't look at the way she acts hurts other people. With me, its both physical and mental touture she puts me through. I can't blame our son for not wanting to come around us. She would tell me lies to get him in trouble when he didn't do as she wanted and I gave him plenty of trouble because I always believed her. I've been pretty naive about things my whole life I guess. It took many years into adulthood to realise what my mother was always trying to do to us kids and 30 something years to realise what Cathy is doing to me and has done to our son. I should hate her  and my mother and my father. I don't care much about my father but I just don't hate my mother or Cathy. I do think I hate my mothers other living son. I know I don't like him. I tried to do right by him for my mothers sake and because I told her I would try to help him out after shes gone but he has tried at every chance he could find to rob me and my family of whats rightfully mine. He sold family posessions that he had no right to sell and even tried to have me arrested for breaking into my mothers house in an attempt to steal it.
  What do I do about Cathy? I have turned my musoc all the way up to prevent her pittiful little cries and wimpers from melting my heart. She is very good at that sort of thing. She uses all the mental weapons available to the most devious minds in existance. I can't even listen to " loving you" right now and that is one my favorite songs when I'm not in a dark mood.

Monday

  I had to check the day/date on the computer this morning. I'm not having a good day already. Some of it is interesting though. I have been trying to figure out how to make a desktop printer to print directly to a T-shirt.  I know that Dupont makes textile inks for this purpose and that there are others that have done this. My biggest problem is that I don't know enough about the electronic parts and pieces that are used and what the parts I think I would need to piece into the machine are called or if they even exist. I'm sure they exist. There is a guy selling a setup with instructions for instalation to do everything I want added electronicaly to the machine. This is not a new project to me. I have been thinking about it for years. I even built one that doesn't work. I'm pretty sure I shorted out and electrical sensor that tells the printer weather or not there are ink cartridges loaded in the machine or not. That was a printer that cost almost $300 and while I have replaced it with a refurbished one, I hesitate to risk ruining another expenssive printer. My original one was pretty crude too. With having to take care of Cathy, my time for marketing custom photo printed T-shirts is limited, and my sales person ability is very low. This project has been on a back burner for some time now. Projects are something that are helpful for me to have something interesting to apply my mind to. I think. They may add to my irritability and frustration when I hit roadblocks because of my lack of eduaction and/or money. Failure is also hard for me to accept. Especialy for a project that has the possible financial implications that a T-shirt printer can have. If I can get one or more operating and have some sort of sales system that could deliver the orders to keep at least one machine busy for 8 hours a day, I could make a living again. Maybe not as much money as I did as an iron worker, after adjusting for the differences in the value of a dollar between then and now, but a modest living anyway. Boy, wouldn't that be a boost for my ego after so many years of either doing nothing or failing at whatever I would try. Hasn't been that many things I tried. Email marketing was a failure from the start and that was my fault. I quit after I recieved a lot of flame emails back. That was a roller coaster of emotions for a while then. I was successful as a roofer for a short while. I even got a Florida contractors license, which takes passing a two to three hour test. I worked and saved my money and bought air powered nail guns and compressors and had work coming all the time. My back would ache a lot but I could do the work and with the nail guns, I could do pretty good with putting out enough production to make decent money. Not very long after I bought an old dump truck for hauling off debris, I got rear ended in a car wreck. After that, I couldn't bend over for ten minutes before I would have to lay flat on my back for awhile because of pain. I did, for a while before all this, supplement Cathy's disability check with hauling scrap iron and junk cars and such but after the wreck that messed up my back. I couldn't lift and load anything heavy without suffering greatly so I had to even quit that. I did get into rebuilding cars from auctions and reselling them but wasn't making much money as slow as I was at getting anything done. Paying lawyers and DNA testing to keep my mothers other living son from stealing everything my mother left behind took up all the money I had to work with and paying him off for his share of the house after he had sold everything he could get his hands on took what little was left and had to trade my place in Mississippi in on the deal too. But Cathy had to have this house/dump for some stupid reason and I tried to tell her it was a dump and the things she was expecting to happen wouldn't. So I go back to dreaming up something new for me to do that isn't very painfull and I can find a way around having to deal with a lot of people.

Afternoon

  Well, its another one of those days. At least its just aggravation and not the depression. IT may be part of the depression but at least I'm not going back and forth between tears and anger. Poor Cathy has to suffer in silence or I can come unglued with the smallest thing. This can't be good for her.
   Don't know where I was going. But Cathy is alright at the moment and I think she understands that she needs to leave me alone unless she really needs me to help her with something. I'm sorry I blow up at her. I don't know how we are still together with all our problems and being two totally different people. She is a person I wouldn't even waste a conversation on if I didn't love her. I'm pretty sure I love her. I'd hate to put up with anyone that does things the way she does without a very good reason. I  do see her making efforts to do things she thinks will help me. I don't know. I took a Xanax. I hate that I have to take pills just to be able to be around my own wife. And theres a lot of guilt. First off, I know that she has the mind of a child and isn't really responsible for the way she feels and acts, up to a point. She also has dementia that carries that point a lot farther. She needs someone with both compassion and patience to care for her and she needs pleasant interaction with other people to avoid feeling lonely. Believe me, I'm not someone that is nice and friendly or likes engaging in conversation and hates gossip. So besides me not being the type personality that she needs, I'm even worse with all the problems I have. I'm the type person she should avoid. The only thing in my favor is that I do love her. I must even though I question it sometimes. Well, another thing which ain't all that good at times. I'll do whatever it takes, as far as I'm able to make sure she has at least some chance to be happy.
  What about me? Do I have a right to be happy? Do I have to sacrifice everything to give Cathy as pleasant an existence as possible? Especially when nothing I ever do is good enough or goes far enough. I try to do special things and go to a lot of effort and pain to take her places and get her out of the house. Most of the time, we end up arguing and unhappy because she didn't get enough time to spend looking and making up her mind or she wants something that I have said we aren't getting. She wants to buy more plants. More things for me to have to care for. A short while earlier, she wanted another dog. Something else I have to care for. She has three already and I take care of them 95% of the time. Hell they won't leave me alone most of the time. When Cathy wasn't expected to be here long, I had a general plan to sell out the house and move to the desert southwest where you can live for free within certain rules and the money from the house would sustain me long enough for my retirement kicks in. A whole $300 something a month. It still seems like a good idea. I have thought it through and it can possibly be a dead end situation but I don't know. I don't even know if theres a good enough reason to keep suffering through this miserable existence after Cathys gone. One thing one of the nurses said to me when Cathy was in such bad shape keeps sticking in my mind. It's not painful to starve to death.

Sunday Morning

  Another night with little sleep. This noise is pretty bad this morning. It's been bad most of the night and my back, hips and ankle are hurting. I didn't think I was all that active yesterday but I have been hurting all night. I toss and turn so bad, I got wrapped up in the bed sheet. Had to get loose when I decided to quit trying to go back to sleep. I just hope Cathy keeps progressing well with her tooth extraction recovery. She keeps me hopping and that doesn't make it easy for me. Moving around a little every once in a while keeps my back and hips from getting to stiff but Cathy keeps calling a lot more than every once in a while. And she wants me to do her bidding more than she wants anything else. I don't know if shes just restless and hurting or just trying to get back at me for some imagined wrong I've done her. I think its just me being over sensative. I hope so. I don't really think she would want to torture me for getting her to behave for two days and having her tooth pulled. It was for her own good.
  Well, its almost daylight and I guess I should move around some and turn the dogs loose. Later.

saturday's alright

  Not counting the noise in my head, today has been a relatively easy day. I got a little short tempered with Cathy when I took her to Walmart but that blew over pretty quickly. I stopped at Churches and got her some chicken. It is good for her to get things to eat that don't go from freezer to microwave.Did I say I'm a terrible cook? Eggs are the best thing I cook and theres no guarantee any two will turn out the same. Anyway, I had to get new batteries for my MP3 player. It is very hard for me to go out amongst people without something to listen to besides the noise in my head and the chaos that the rest of the world sounds like.
  Cathy is pretty weak today. Her tooth, or the place where her tooth got pulled from, is bothering her. Besides taking M S Contin, Lyrica, Xanax, and a Loritab, I am keeping hot compresses on it when she's awake. She passed out on the way back from the store. I had to do most of the work getting her from the van seat to her wheel chair. She came around after getting inside the house enough to eat her chicken. I kept an eye on her to make sure she didn't pass out again and/or choke on her food.
  I need to make better arraignment for her seating because when she's in her seat, I can't keep an eye on her very well. I want to take one of the rotating seat pedestals and move it to the front passenger seat and relocate it a little so the seat can spin around when pulled back and then be in a near normal position when locked in place so the shoulder belts will hold her in when she loses consciousness. The rear seats don't have anything but a lap belt. I've been thinking about leaving the rear captain chairs out and get a ramp to just roll her, chair and all up into the van and then just move her from the wheel chair the her seat and spin her around and lock in place. And I still need to fix the brakes. I should work on a plan to do that, fix the brakes. They are more important that rearranging the seats. Gotta go move around a little to ease my back. Later.

We're back.

  We made it through the tooth extraction. And Cathy is OK. Shes resting right now. It did take a lot out of her. That is one tooth that won't bother her again. and it was pretty uneventful except for the way we acted trying to get to the time for her appointment.
  Things are rather boring right now with Cathy sleeping. I took a nap with her but I was only able to sleep for about 45 minutes. I'm glad I was able to sleep at all. I usually can't sleep during the day without help from either a little cannabis or a Xanax. I'm not feeling stupid like I normally would if I had taken a Xanax before resting and I didn't smoke anything so I must have been pretty tired. I do feel better after the nap. 
  I have been thinking about checking into which states are set up with MMJ laws and find out if I would qualify and how we might be able to afford to relocate to one of them. I'm going to leave off for now and do some research. Later.

Couldn't last

  I knew it was too good to last. Cathy started this morning. Refusing to behave and says shes going to tell the nurses I hit her when I just slapped her on her butt to get her to pay attention to me. I recon I'm abusing her and she needs to find someone else to care for her. I believe it would make my life a little easier. I don't think she's the root cause of any of my problems but she doesn't make life easy for me.
  I took a Xanax some time ago but it isn't helping. I'm holding everyting back so as to not traumatize Cathy before her dental appointment, but the tears won't stop. I could probably get them to stop if I were to stop holding back but that wouldn't be good for Cathy or me. This place has enough holes in walls and doors, it doesn't need any more. I'm gonna have to sell it some day. Also, letting go may not stop the tears anyway. I have been in a totaly uncontroled rage and the tears just streaming down my face at the same time. I have had episodes when driving that I had to pull of the road and park for short time to get under control enough to get home. And now the nurse is here trying to understand whats up so she can deal with Cathy and I have to tell her things I'ld rather not go into verbaly right now. I can't stop and walk away for a while when talking to people like I can here.

My girl

Well, Cathy shows her true colors today. She was a good girl for the first time in ages but she was a good girl for me.I don't care why, she was a very good girl. No problems from her and that let me even have a day with minimum problems for myself. No tears or anger today.Well, at least none after I finaly got through to her how important it was to rest and behave, and threatened to leave. But the rest of my day was trouble free. My music kept the noise from driving me up a wall and the day is almost over without any traumatic episodes. Maybe I can string a few more days like today together and have a nice weekend. I am going to try. If everything goes OK tomorrow with Cathy's tooth extraction, I'll take her shopping and buy her some MORE ear rings. That was a pronise I made her to get her to behave. I just hope she is up to it after the dentist. I may have to put it off for a few days but I know she won't want to do that.
  I'm afraid that if I get to far into things right now, I'll ruin what has been a decent day so I'm through for now. Later.

Finnished?

  I don't know what to do with Cathy. She has a broken tooth that she needs pulled. She needs to rest till the dentist appointment tomorrow. A few people are going to extra effort to get this done for her in a timely manner. I have been begging her to take it easy and save what strength she has to be able to make the appointment without passing out. She almost passed out yesterday getting the X-rays done and if she does that during the dentist appointment, they won't pull the tooth/teeth that are bothering her and she will continue to have infections from time to time that will keep her down. And she is going to torture me for it if she does make it. If she doesn't, I think I've had too much. I don't even know if I can leave her but I can't just keep on fighting uphill with her not even willing to cooperate long enough to get some needed care. I had to threaten leaving her if she doesn't behave and take it easy till at least after this dentist appointment. The only sure way for me to leave is to sell the house and make her find somewhere to go to. She could go to whatever family would have her or a nursing home. I just can't keep going like this. Later.

New Day

Its a new day and maybe a better one. I hope so. I was dying yesterday from pain. The day before, Cathy had been overdoing things and passed out in the living room chair. I had to carry her to bed and get her laid down. My back was hurting so bad yesterday, I was short tempered. I don't remember any times when the tears would run. Maybe pain and anger are the cure for my depression. If it is, I hope I can find a better one, or at least a better way to get it under control. I just don't know what to do. I need to have some normal days without any tears or anger, and relativly low amounts of pain. It would also be nice if the noise would go away but that ain't gonna happen. It suks.  What the hell can I do? Between all my problems and Cathy pileing more and more on top of them, I just don't know. I will be here as long as Cathy needs me, but, when she is gone, will I find another reason good enough to put up with this hellish existance?  The only hope I can see is moving somewhere where they have made allowances for MMJ. The only decent time I have is a short time before bedtime. I smoke a little cannabis so I can get some sleep and I actualy feel OK for a little while. If it  weren't so expensive, it also helps during the daytime but I can just barely afford enough to help me sleep some at night. It doesn't do enough to stop the rages when they pop up or the tears when they come crashing in, but I could feel OK most of the time. If I could afford it.  Hell I have to find something that will work now. I can't wait till Cathy dies. I don't want her to die. I would like to be OK while she is still here and be nice to her and spend time being happy with her. If she would get stronger and learn to behave, and I could somehow get a decent sized travel trailer and truck to pull it with, then sell this place for enough to get a small lot to live on in southern California. But pigs don't fly either. Later.

Days end

  Well, she's done it again. She won't be held back and now she has exausted herself. She can't be roused without extreme shaking and then just barely responds. She doesn't want to be taken back to the hospital if things get worse. She was cleaning the kitchen and wouldn't stop till she just wore herself out. I finaly convinced her to set down and rest and shortly after that, she lost conciuosness. I had to pick her up and carry her to bed and she just kept saying she was sorry. The only thing she has done that she shouldn't have was to put herself at risk for this to happen. Nothing to be sorry for but thats the girl I married. More worried about me than herself. I know she doesn't realize that she is so suceptable to give up her life by just over doing things. I keep telling her that shes killing herself if she doesn't rest but she doesn't.  God, this has been a terrible day. I have barely been able to keep myself from lashing out. I have started a few times and caught things before they got too far and was able to walk away till I could speak rationaly and calmly to her. She wasn't doing anything but trying to help me clean this piece of crap house. Can't

New day

We'll try tis again. Yesterday was a serious "Paint It Black" day. Today doesn't seem to be any better so far. Nothing is good. Can't/won't take enough Xanax to get this under control because it won't do any good and all I would be able to do would be to lay down and stare at the ceiling or sleep a sleep that doesn't do any good. I can't incapasitate myself because Cathy needs me to be able to function to be able to help her. Don't know why things are going to shit lately. Can't think of any cause for the downturn. Wish it would go away. The noise feels defening and loud, hard hitting music like Paint It Black can get through but doesn't help me get things under control. Jonny Be Good is a little lighter mood and hard hitting without the dark mood overtones but just doesn't work when the tears and rage force their way up. Especialy when they are near constant for days at a time. I don't know which is worse, the depression or the rage. And its terrible when they come together. I feel like doing a "TAZ" dance sometimes. You know, when the cartoon Tazmanian Devil starts just spinning around and bouncing of everything in sight, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Is that strange? 
  And Poor Cathy has to suffer way more than necessary because of me. And that makes the tears flow even worse when I can back away and realize what I'm doing to her. No one should have to try to live under the circumstances she has to put up with. I'm the only person that cares enough about her to stay for the long haul but I'm not good for her state of mind. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay with me. This is OK with me because I love her and want her to have some chance to be where ever she feels happyest, best, most comfortable. I just wish I didn't have so many problems that cause her pain and fear. gotta go

Monday

It suks!!!!!!!

I'm coping

Just barely but I am coping with everything. The noise is the worst thing right now.I washed a load of clothes and changed the sheets for Cathy. I need to shave pretty bad, and a shower probably wouldn't hurt either. I don't think I have any odor besides deoderant because I wash off in the sink fairly often and a complete shower if I get dirty or sweaty. I don't do a lot. It hurts to just exist so physical activity is something I avoid as much as possible. I didn't used to. Before I had to start helping Cathy with everything, I would do what work I could do. I used rebuild cars from the auctions and resale them. But that was when Cathy took care of me. Now, I have to take care of me, Cathy, and the house as much as I'm able. Cathy gets most of the effort. She seems to be getting stronger for the time being and while that is great, it causes problems for me. She wants to mess around with everything in the house as well as stand up and cook and wash the dishes and do laundry and clean the floors. She's probably tired of eating frozen dinners from throw away trays. What she mostly does is plunder through what is left in the back room. Up untill recently, that room was so full of trash and even broken glass on the floor and I wouldn't let her even go beyond the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Anyway, she isn't going to behave and I have to keep up with her. She is at risk two ways when she gets like this. First is that if she uses up too much of what little life energy (best term I could figure  out) her heart rate can get to low to keep her alive. Recently, her heart rate is fairly normal and her blood pressure is normal. For most of the last year though, her heart rate was in the 40s and low 50s. Sometimes so low that I couldn't even raise the head of her bed to feed her without her getting light headed and I would have to lower her head down closer to the level of her heart so it wouldn't take as much effort to get blood to her brain. And she used to need a high output of oxygen. And secondly, she is at great risk of falling and hurting herself. It was a broke leg that was either a catalist or transition point in her neurological disorder that got us to this point. Actualy, I was more capable of doing things before she got down. I made my back somewhat worse by having to carry her up and down stairs and lifting her in and out of the bath tub. Not having insurance, it took a while to get a wheel chair and a lot longer to get a chair for her bath that will lower and raise her back up. Twice, when trying to get her out of the bathtub, my back gave out with a sharp pain and I collapsed with her in my arms/ Even then, I proteced her head from impacting the tub. I even thought about calling the rescue people to come help us the second time but I got stong enough after a while and figured out way that wasn't too painfull for Cathy and not as much pressure on my back. If things hadn't been so serious, it probably would have looked comical to anyone looking as us two getting her in and out of the tub. Thank god for that bath chair.
  She's calling me again so I should go help her to the bathroom. Later.

Here we go again

  Another sleepless morning. I've been trying to go back to sleep for a couple of hours now without any luck.Smoking, playing my music and playing fast solitaire hasn't helped. Helped Cathy use the bathroom and put her back to bed. Gave her some medications. I'll probably have to lay down with her to get her back to sleep. Was going to give up and strt my day but I'm gonna lay down with Cathy to give her some comfort and maybe she'll get some more sleep this morning. At least one of us can get a little more sleep on a Sunday morning. Later.

What can I say?

Nothing new today. Some problems with pain, depression, and the screaming noise in my head. Whats a person to do? I'm coping the best I can. Im trying to spend some time with Cathy just having conversation but thats hard. She doesn't know much and I don't want to hear her make shit up, or let her imagination tell her things are a certain way when they aren't. We both give up after a short time but I think its a good thing to at least try.I'm having a little trouble concentrating but I'm slacking off the Xanax afterd they left. Now if Cathy will just not bring them up anymore, I can get beyond their time in my house.
  Well, like I said, same ol same ol. Later.

Morning already

  Well, here it is, another Saturday and we're both still here. Sometimes, I wonder why Cathy puts up with me. And why I put up with her. Why does my life have to have so much misery in it. Cathy's and my own. Cathy is having as hard a time with crying the last couple of days as me. I hate for her to cry. It just melts my heart. She is so fragile but so determined. I've known grown men with twice her bulk that would just fold up and wish for they're lives to be over if they had to live with half her problems and misery. She has one tough spirit. I hope she knows how much I do love her. I try not to let my problems make her life worse than it has to be but I'm not to good at it. As big a problem as she is, some of it is because she wants to help out with the house work and laundry. I'm not sure if thats because she wants to help me or she just gets disgusted with the house being so messy. I used to think of her as my little elf. Like the ones in the kids story about the shoemaker that would wake up to find all his work caught up for him by elves. I never had to worry about things getting to bad because she would always clean and wash clothes at night. She has never been a "spotless housekeeper" but she kept things form getting too bad. I'm not even a decent house keeper. Even if I weren't in such pain all the time, I wouldn't want to do housework. I especially hate washing dishes now days. It seems like there isn't a counter and sink in existance that is the correct height to was the dishes without me having to bend over a little and that just kills my back.
  Well, the daylight is here and there will be no more sleep for me today so I guess I'll start on feeding the dogs and then me. Later.

It's about time

  Well, they're gone. Hasn't made a lot of difference in quality of life but at least that's one burden that's no longer a factor. I don't know what happened but its been rough going for the past couple of days. I have had to stay on the Xanax or else I just start crying for no reason. Sure I normally feel bad and depressed but the tricks I use to help cope just aren't working. They have never been 100% effective but they help most of the time. My music helps to distract me from depressing thoughts and the screaming in my head most of the time but not much help for the last couple of days. Playing fast solitaire on the computer will help sometimes too by getting my mind distracted and in conjunction with my music is the best I have. Or it was till I started taking the Xanax. And that's not 100% effective either. I still feel depressed but the crying has almost stopped since I started taking it 4 times a day. Just 2 days so far and it doesn't do much for sleeping. Neither does smoking for the last couple of days. The Xanax makes me feel as bad when I wake up as when I went to sleep. The cannabis just isn't doing as good a job as it normally does, even with the night time Xanax to help. I sleep about 3 1/2 to 4 hours and wake up and after over an hour of playing solitaire and a smoke, I just toss and turn when I try to go back to sleep. It doesn't take long after laying back down for all the things I like to avoid thinking about come crashing back in. Then I have to get up and find something to get my mind clear of thoughts while I take another Xanax and wait for it to start working. I'm not a whiner most of the time but I'm kinda sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. It seems like sometimes it just starts piling up on me and then another load piles on and then another after that and so on and so on. Pore Ol Cathy is having a hard time too. I'm obviously not on my best behaviour and my tolerance levels are very low at the moment. That woman has suffered for choosing to marry me. I don't believe she would have found anyone with the loyalty and compassion for her that I have but it wouldn't take much to make up for my short temper. There actually was a time when we were happy and had fun together. She's changed and so have I. My world is getting smaller and more difficult to deal with and hers is god knows where. One day she needs me and knows it and the next, she acts like she wants to be without me. She has started lying about me to her brother and his girl friend. I walked up on them when she wasn't paying attention and heard her telling them that I abuse her and she was ready, or something like that, to go to a nursing home. I wish there were a place for her to go where she would thrive. I don't consider putting her in a nursing home because I don't believe she will get enough personal attention to sustain her will to keep going and she has begged me more than a couple of times to not let anyone put her in a nursing home. But I don't know how long I can keep this life of sacrifice going. Hell, I need someone to help me out and take care of me and here I am just suffering on my own while at the same time, sacrificing everything in my life to make her feel like her life is worth the effort to keep going. And I ain't too good at that. It would be a little easier if she wasn't so dumb but she is and doesn't think she is dumb. I just can't impress upon her that if she breaks something again, she will be going to a nursing home. I just cannot physically do what I had been doing for her the last couple of years. She has finished breaking me down. She has gotten a little of her strength back and wants to keep getting up and going here and there in the house and I just can't keep up with her. She is going to hurt herself again and that will be the end of us. I don't know what to do. Later

Agrivation from all directions

  Well, to start off with, I have been scammed again. Its just half truths used to deceive me trying to get things to go their way. They have a bus ticket but not from the trucking company that he has been leading me to believe it was. Some organization supplied them the ticket and they could have gotten this ticket a lot earlier than today and been out of my house. The tickets are to Jackson instead of Mobile where they could have gone to long before now. I'm still being nice. They are leaving today one way or the other though.
  The other aggravation is from the psych evaluation I had earlier. The girl that did the evaluation called to "nudge" me into keeping on with their process. I will see if I can make the logistics of making ANOTHER doctors appointment and having someone set with Cathy worked out. I recon if she cared enough to keep after me, I can care enough to try at least. I don't see how they can help with the conditions they have for providing any help. I have to be free from any drugs that aren't on a government approved list and that is gonna be tough. I have a lot of damage to my body that causes me a lot of pain and I can't take the prescriptions they gave me when the problems occurred and they haven't made any miracle pain drugs since then. I also have problems with getting any sleep. The only thing I have that has any effect on my pain or my sleep problems without terrible side effect is Cannabis. And Cannabis, as everyone with half a brain knows, is the main reason for drug testing. You can take Heroin, Cocaine, and almost any other drug and show clean within 8 to 24 hours. But Cannabis can show up for as long as a month after you last used it. Ole Hillary Clinton was right when she stated to the world, "there is just too much money involved to legalise Cannabis." The thing she didn't say was that there is more money on the pharacutical, alcohol, prison guards, prison building, police overtime, lawyers and other court personal, and the phony "addiction specialist" industries, just to name a few that would lose a lot of income and job security if Cannabis were ever to be treated fairly. If I were make king, I would force every jackass that prospered from prohibition and made any effort to keep it in place to dig ditches and clear right away for roads and empty garbage cans for minimum wage till they had paid back every dime they earned or profited from destroying people's lives with their prohibition laws.
  Later.

not working this morning

My tricks aren't working this morning. I recon a few days of relative calm were too much for whatever it is that deems it necessary for me to have a tortured life. I have smoked and been playing solitaire for a while now and no help getting things to go away. Even the music can't seem to penetrate the noise this morning. It's difficult for me to even put a whole sentence together. I am having a lot of trouble paying attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time. God I wish this noise would go away.

Don't know

  Today doesn't officially suk, yet. i think Cathy's  brother and girlfriend will soon be gone. He's at least going through the motions as far as I can see. I won't stoop so low as to listen in on his phone calls to get verification that hes telling the truth, even though he has scammed us before just to have a place to lay up at. They came to visit one time for the weekend and I had to make them leave after almost two weeks. More like about 10 days but it seems like it was a month. But I have been treating them with dignity and hoping they get the idea because they know trying to scam me won't get them anything.
  I'm listening to Willie right now. Not a real country fan but a big fan of Willie's. His music helps keep things flowing peacefully along.
  Cathy is being a pain but  she at least is listening to me when I beg her to let me be if she doesn't really need anything. She forgets after a few minutes but she is being a little more reasonable than a lot of the time. She's been having episodes of depression more than normal today also. Gotta be real careful how I react with her today. I been having to take the Xanax a lot the last couple of days and feel kinda "pent up" if that makes any sense.
  I'm pretty sure they are leaving soon. He's trying to get me to find some way to pay him to finish work that I've already paid him to do. I will find some way to do it myself before I'll try to figure out a way to pay him again. Either just put it off or  wait till I'm having a great day, for me, and do it myself. Theres just putting the plug wires on and the dash panels to replace left. He did cut the grass which was a more imeadiate chore that really needed doing so I've at least bought myself some time. Thanks to Willie for helping me settle down. I kinda got upset when he suggested I pay him for finishing what he started. Cathy is having a miserable day and I just had to bite down on my tongue and get away from him to keep from making her world worse. I'm not real good at making her happy but I can do my best to keep from adding any more misery to her life. Sometimes my best ain't very good. I hate when I  lose control  of myself and forget what she means to me. Emotionally, I'm all over the place from can't imagine living without her to can't wait till she's gone. In my mind, I know she means more to me than anything else in this world. Almost every night, we are holding hands at some point between laying down and dropping off to sleep. In fact, she is the only person on this earth that I'm comfortable touching me. I never grew out of that " don't touch me" thing. I even cut my own hair so I won't have anyone messing with me. I have a set of clippers and a 1/2 inch guide and just whack it all off. I would rather have it grow long but its a lot easier to just cut it off short a couple times a year. I'm not the most well kept person in the neighborhood. That counselor at the clinic kinda surprised me by telling me that I looked "scruffy", and I thought I was dressed up. Well, for me, I was dressed up. And I always take a shower and shave the night before I have to go anywhere and deal with people. Normally, most of the time, I'll just wash off in the sink. I think it may have something to do with me being a little claustrophobic. Every time I move to a different place, I always envision a large shower area with a bench seat and plenty of room with a large mirror set up in it and a light over head but close to the wall with the mirror. Later.

The end is in sight

  Well, if he's not lying, Cathy's brother will be gone tomorrow. I hope he's figured out that I don't go for his bull shit. I have made them leave once when they were just visiting when Cathy wasn't expected to make it and I made them leave one time when they were "just visiting for the weekend" after about 10 days if I remember right. I can say, truthfully, that I have been nice and treated them with dignity. I don't believe in treating someone like they aren't worth anything or taking advantage of someone that is down on their luck at the moment. Like that inverter I bought from him the other day. I paid him $20 for it and showed him where Walmart sells the same thing for $19 brand new. I won't overpay for anything any more but I will still try to be fair when dealing with anyone that I'm willing to have any dealings with. Being disappointed by people, and family are worse than most anybody else, miss-representing things or out-right trying to rip me off, I may be a little prejudgest. I don't k now why I'm so against having people staying in my home. I wasn't even comfortable when my youngest son and his girlfriend/wife were living with us. They got married while they were living with us in Mississippi. They lived there pretty much as if they thought they were in a motel. We charged them no room and board or rent or anything. Neither would help out more than a rare ocasion when I had to ask for some help for Cathy.  Anyway, they're divorced now and he still doesn't even call us except on special occasions. We don't hear from him for months at a time. And while Ifeel slighted by him, I never act like it. It may just be that he is like me and just doesn't have much to say. I am always glad to see him or hear from him. Well, almost always anyway. When Cathy does leave me, I'm gonna pack it all in and find a totaly different life. May not be a lot different than this one but I think I'll be OK. I think thats why I'm still collecting parts and pieces to make a life on the road. Just keep moving till I find somewhere that suits me. Cathy's wanting me to come lay down and maybe she'll shut up and go to sleep. Later.

Early morning is so nice

  Well its a nice morning so far. It takes having other people in my house to remind me how much a treasure Cathy is. Her brother and his girl friend are carefull not to irritate me but just having them in my home makes me uncomfortable. Maybe uncomfortable is not as intense as the feelings I have when other people are in my home. Anyway, I hope their visit will end soon. Poor, sweet, Cathy is enjoying their company but I believe that I am more important to her well being than having someone to talk to so no matter what, they can't stay.
  Can't let them bother me just now. I need the relative peace this time of the day. Just me and my music. And some breakfast once I get beyound this being peacefull. This noise in my head will never let me be at peace for very long. My music helps stretch that time out a little but sooner or later, the rest of the world is gonna come crashing in. I almost hate interupting my peacefull morning with having to "think" enough to write in this blog but I feel the need to show that I'm not wacked out all the time. And here comes the rest of the world. Well, not all of it, just one of the neighborhood idiots with their cars "boom box" stereo vibrating the entire area for blocks around with their bass turned up too loud. People like that make me want to get some of those cucaracha air horns and follow them around for awhile and blast that out on them till they get as sick of it as I am of them vibrating my insides with their crap.
  Well, it lasted almost a whole hour and a half. I recon I should go take a xanax before anyone or anything else crashes in on me but I hate those things. I recon their better that my short temper but I just don't feel like its me. Or that it is me but I can't get things to work normaly as me. And it's not like they make me feel any better, they just calm me down enough to let me keep a little better control of myself .   
  Well its gone now and i'm gonna go cook breakfast. later

Escape?

I am in a quandary right now. (had to look that one up) I have been working towards life after Cathy without realizing it. I have 4 or 5 small business setups that can be worked alone or with a partner, I originally started these preparations when I was expecting me and Cathy to run around to different flea markets and small town festivals just needing to make expenses to keep going but capable of making good money with the right situation. While I know she will never be able to do any of this with me, I continue to make small preparations as an opportunity arises. One part, well more than one part, needs/can benefit from having a portable power supply. I just picked up an inverter the run equipment off a battery but have absolutely no plans that it would be of use in except the mobile vendor plans we had started a couple of years ago. We started planning with just a photo T-shirt business but added vinyl signs and then rhinestone decals and rhinestone designs on shirts and light jackets or really whatever someone wanted to make personal instead of just of the shelf clothes. This has been a pet peeve of mine since I bought a shirt at Walmart that I really liked but a few weeks later, I saw that same shirt on another person at the same time as I was wearing mine going into the same Walmart. And he didn't make the shirt look flattering and vice-versa. Anyway, it was easy for me to want to make things special. And I made some beautiful designs in rhinestones for Cathy that she seldom wears. I haven't figured out a design that i want to make a decal out of to put on the van but I have the materials, equipment and knowledge to make rhinestone decals for any smooth surface. I also have a green screen/chroma-key photo set-up for portraits and a set of graphics programs where I can make fake magazine covers with the people inserted into the design and can customize it and print it out on the spot. And the printer I use is a very good printer, not some $35 throw away piece of crap. It's an Epson stylus Photo 1400 that will print oversize when needed. Anyway, it struck me that I'm planning on Cathy dying and me moving on with my own life. This revelation is important to me because it creates doubt about the real reasons I am so short tempered. Not only with Cathy, but everything that comes up. Am I so  tired of living with Cathy that deep down, I want the change to go ahead and come? Do I secretly want Cathy to die? i can't. Thats just all there is to it. gotta go.