It's about time

  Well, they're gone. Hasn't made a lot of difference in quality of life but at least that's one burden that's no longer a factor. I don't know what happened but its been rough going for the past couple of days. I have had to stay on the Xanax or else I just start crying for no reason. Sure I normally feel bad and depressed but the tricks I use to help cope just aren't working. They have never been 100% effective but they help most of the time. My music helps to distract me from depressing thoughts and the screaming in my head most of the time but not much help for the last couple of days. Playing fast solitaire on the computer will help sometimes too by getting my mind distracted and in conjunction with my music is the best I have. Or it was till I started taking the Xanax. And that's not 100% effective either. I still feel depressed but the crying has almost stopped since I started taking it 4 times a day. Just 2 days so far and it doesn't do much for sleeping. Neither does smoking for the last couple of days. The Xanax makes me feel as bad when I wake up as when I went to sleep. The cannabis just isn't doing as good a job as it normally does, even with the night time Xanax to help. I sleep about 3 1/2 to 4 hours and wake up and after over an hour of playing solitaire and a smoke, I just toss and turn when I try to go back to sleep. It doesn't take long after laying back down for all the things I like to avoid thinking about come crashing back in. Then I have to get up and find something to get my mind clear of thoughts while I take another Xanax and wait for it to start working. I'm not a whiner most of the time but I'm kinda sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. It seems like sometimes it just starts piling up on me and then another load piles on and then another after that and so on and so on. Pore Ol Cathy is having a hard time too. I'm obviously not on my best behaviour and my tolerance levels are very low at the moment. That woman has suffered for choosing to marry me. I don't believe she would have found anyone with the loyalty and compassion for her that I have but it wouldn't take much to make up for my short temper. There actually was a time when we were happy and had fun together. She's changed and so have I. My world is getting smaller and more difficult to deal with and hers is god knows where. One day she needs me and knows it and the next, she acts like she wants to be without me. She has started lying about me to her brother and his girl friend. I walked up on them when she wasn't paying attention and heard her telling them that I abuse her and she was ready, or something like that, to go to a nursing home. I wish there were a place for her to go where she would thrive. I don't consider putting her in a nursing home because I don't believe she will get enough personal attention to sustain her will to keep going and she has begged me more than a couple of times to not let anyone put her in a nursing home. But I don't know how long I can keep this life of sacrifice going. Hell, I need someone to help me out and take care of me and here I am just suffering on my own while at the same time, sacrificing everything in my life to make her feel like her life is worth the effort to keep going. And I ain't too good at that. It would be a little easier if she wasn't so dumb but she is and doesn't think she is dumb. I just can't impress upon her that if she breaks something again, she will be going to a nursing home. I just cannot physically do what I had been doing for her the last couple of years. She has finished breaking me down. She has gotten a little of her strength back and wants to keep getting up and going here and there in the house and I just can't keep up with her. She is going to hurt herself again and that will be the end of us. I don't know what to do. Later