Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Well, things are starting to intensify again.After a couple of weeks of just plain misery, everything starts blowing up again. Don't know what to do. I keep swinging back and forth between rage and depression. Not just anger and a little depressed but full blown rage and tears falling uncontrolably down my face.I can't figure anything that would be a trigger and I can't seem to get it under control. And the screaming in my head is pretty intense too. I have to switch back and forth between turning my music up loud to try to interfeer with the noise and turning it back down because it gets annoying and makes the rage worse. God, one at a time is bad enough but everything blows up around the same time. Poor Cathy is not helping things but she isn't doing anything she hasn't been doing the past couple of weeks. I wish she would realize when I need for her to not make any problems for me but she doesn't. Later.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Well its been awhile since my last post. I really don't like doing this but it is the only place I have to express myself and my frustration with life. Nothing has really changed but the date and time. Well, I did get a letter from SS denying my disability claim. That kinda set off another episode. First the anger at the stupidity of it and then the tears from depression. Just another day. Cathy is doing wel considering she can die from just maling herself to tired or exausted. Two nights in a row I woke up to find her trying to move about by herself and plunder through her stuff. She is going to kill herself but she won't listen to me. I can't say I blame her. What kind of life is it for her to just rest all the time? I do try to engage her with conversation sometimes but that never works out to anything good. I try to get her out of the house as much as possible but she is never satisfied with what I can do for her and we end up arguing and mad at each other so I don't take out as often as she would like. So she gets mad about that too. I have to keep taking my Xanax just to keep myself under some kind of control. It doesn't do a good job but it does slow me down enough that I have a little more time to walk away from her before I do too much damage. I was letting myself get dependant on them and had a hard time getting them refilled one time so I slowed down on taking them. Its like everything else in my life, just not there when needed. Anyway, now I will sometimes go without them for a day or two just to know I can. Later.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Well, the holidays are over and things weren't too bad. If the noise would go away, I think it would be easier to cope. It never goes away. It is insidious and makes it impossible for me to get any thing near a normal life for even five minutes, unless I am unconsious. What kind of way is that to live. It makes everything worse. I have the Xanax to help with anxiety and depression ssomewhat but I can't take a dosage high enough to know that I won't explode in public or I will have to go to sleep. My dear sweet wife has to bear the worst of my episodes and she is in no condition to do take all that abuse. I hate that she gets so much abusive treatment but there isn't anyone else to care for her and let her know that she matters. No one else will be there for the long haul. Our son has already stated she, and me when the time comes, will have to go to a nursing home and Cathy won't live long without someone that cares a lot about her well being and willing to come every time she calls and not wait till she does something on her own and hurts herself. I know there are times at night when I am very tired that I'm not as supportive as I should be. And there are times when things in my head are troublesome and I can't keep control of my temper but I always love and cherrish her and do my best to get some distance and let her know to not bother me unless she really needs something. She doesn't always heed my advice and she suffers some because of it but she wants me and I want to be here for her when ever she wants or needs me. Here it comes again so gotta go.