Still S O S O

  Well, the holidays are over and things weren't too bad. If the noise would go away,  I think it would be easier to cope. It never goes away. It is insidious and makes it impossible for me to get any thing near a normal life for even five minutes, unless I am unconsious. What kind of way is that to live. It makes everything worse. I have the Xanax to help with anxiety and depression ssomewhat but I can't take a dosage high enough to know that I won't explode in public or I will have to go to sleep. My dear sweet wife has to bear the worst of my episodes and she is in no condition to do take all that abuse. I hate that she gets so much abusive treatment but there isn't anyone else to care for her and let her know that she matters. No one else will be there for the long haul. Our son has already stated she, and me when the time comes, will have to go to a nursing home and  Cathy won't live long without someone that cares a lot about her well being and willing to come every time she calls and not wait till she does something on her own and hurts herself. I know there are times at night when I am very tired that I'm not as supportive as I should be. And there are times when things in my head are troublesome and I can't keep control of my temper but I always love and cherrish her and do my best to get some distance and let her know to not bother me unless she really needs something. She doesn't always heed my advice and she suffers some because of it but she wants me and I want to be here for her when ever she wants or needs me. Here it comes again so gotta go.