Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Well its been awhile since my last post. I really don't like doing this but it is the only place I have to express myself and my frustration with life. Nothing has really changed but the date and time. Well, I did get a letter from SS denying my disability claim. That kinda set off another episode. First the anger at the stupidity of it and then the tears from depression. Just another day. Cathy is doing wel considering she can die from just maling herself to tired or exausted. Two nights in a row I woke up to find her trying to move about by herself and plunder through her stuff. She is going to kill herself but she won't listen to me. I can't say I blame her. What kind of life is it for her to just rest all the time? I do try to engage her with conversation sometimes but that never works out to anything good. I try to get her out of the house as much as possible but she is never satisfied with what I can do for her and we end up arguing and mad at each other so I don't take out as often as she would like. So she gets mad about that too. I have to keep taking my Xanax just to keep myself under some kind of control. It doesn't do a good job but it does slow me down enough that I have a little more time to walk away from her before I do too much damage. I was letting myself get dependant on them and had a hard time getting them refilled one time so I slowed down on taking them. Its like everything else in my life, just not there when needed. Anyway, now I will sometimes go without them for a day or two just to know I can. Later.