Escape?

I am in a quandary right now. (had to look that one up) I have been working towards life after Cathy without realizing it. I have 4 or 5 small business setups that can be worked alone or with a partner, I originally started these preparations when I was expecting me and Cathy to run around to different flea markets and small town festivals just needing to make expenses to keep going but capable of making good money with the right situation. While I know she will never be able to do any of this with me, I continue to make small preparations as an opportunity arises. One part, well more than one part, needs/can benefit from having a portable power supply. I just picked up an inverter the run equipment off a battery but have absolutely no plans that it would be of use in except the mobile vendor plans we had started a couple of years ago. We started planning with just a photo T-shirt business but added vinyl signs and then rhinestone decals and rhinestone designs on shirts and light jackets or really whatever someone wanted to make personal instead of just of the shelf clothes. This has been a pet peeve of mine since I bought a shirt at Walmart that I really liked but a few weeks later, I saw that same shirt on another person at the same time as I was wearing mine going into the same Walmart. And he didn't make the shirt look flattering and vice-versa. Anyway, it was easy for me to want to make things special. And I made some beautiful designs in rhinestones for Cathy that she seldom wears. I haven't figured out a design that i want to make a decal out of to put on the van but I have the materials, equipment and knowledge to make rhinestone decals for any smooth surface. I also have a green screen/chroma-key photo set-up for portraits and a set of graphics programs where I can make fake magazine covers with the people inserted into the design and can customize it and print it out on the spot. And the printer I use is a very good printer, not some $35 throw away piece of crap. It's an Epson stylus Photo 1400 that will print oversize when needed. Anyway, it struck me that I'm planning on Cathy dying and me moving on with my own life. This revelation is important to me because it creates doubt about the real reasons I am so short tempered. Not only with Cathy, but everything that comes up. Am I so  tired of living with Cathy that deep down, I want the change to go ahead and come? Do I secretly want Cathy to die? i can't. Thats just all there is to it. gotta go.