from bad to worse

I did not help things today. The Xanax didn't help. I had to get away from Cathy before I could get settled down and that took a few hours. I couldn't leave her so I just moved the van around back under some shade and listened to my MP3 player till I could get things straightened out in my head. The girl that helps bathe her came and rousted  me from the van. I got them lined out and took another Xanax and then went back out to the van. I just couldn't be around anybody, not even, or maybe especialy Cathy. Then the nurse came around and rousted me again. I think I had dozed off for a short while because when I saw the state Cathy had worked herself into, my heart melted. I wasn't angry any more and did everything I could to sooth her. It took a little while but I finaly got her calmed down and resting. I lay down with her after the nurse left and we both went to sleep for a couple of hours. It had to have been the Xanax. When I woke up, I felt like I hadden't had any sleep for the past week or so. It feels like trying funtion with a small portion of my brain or something like that. I don't really know how to exress myself well enough to acuratly describe the feeling. I literaly have to make a great inner effort to get through whatever it is Im feeling to get to normal. Or at least whats normal for me. Its hard to go through that and not go right back to angry. I've been touchy all day since then but I'm aware of things and try to avoid contact with Cathy as much as possible right now without leaving her alone again. She wasn't really alone this morning but she didn't know I was just out back in the van. She thought I had left till the girl came and got me to make sure it was alright to care for Cathy. There are things I have to do when she comes like get the power pack for Cathy's bath chair. And the hospice social worker came by. She has arainged someone to set with Cathy a couple days a week so I can get away from her a little and maybe not be as easily upset all the time. Maybe that is what I need. We'll see.
  That reminds me. I need to get a shower tonight. And a shave too. I'm going to use tomorrow to catch up with a doctors exam tomorrow for the physcologist or whatever she is. She wants a regular doctor to "determine" that me getting hit in the head with a small sledge hammer years ago hsan't left me with an injury that is an underlying reason for the problems I have. It was over 25 years ago.