Monday, May 30, 2011

11:00 and alls shit

    Cathy took a long nap this afternoon and isn't going to behave this evening. It took me 15 minutes to write that last sentence. I just can't get things right. I don't know what to do. Cathy is very lonely and I'm no help to in that area. I try to do some little things to help her but I can never do enough for her. She's never satisfied. then I try to talk with her and not at her but I always get angry and have to walm away.  Sometimes I don't walk away quickly enough and do things I shouldn't do. The hole in the bedroom door is a little larger tonight. My hand hurts like all get out. Hope it isn't broken again. Anyway, these situations aren't good for anybody. Poor Cathy was scared and hurt. She has no understanding of what the term "leave me alone right now" means. Maybe she doesn't hear me sometimes. I can't even remember what she was talking about at the time. Probably nothing to get angry about and definitely nothing to get as angry as I do. I feel sorry for her a lot of the time. But theres nobody to take my place besides a couple of people that only want a free place to live and control of her disability check. She has one brother and one sister that aren't good for her but they are the only ones that have much to do with her. She has an older brother who was going to help out for a while but started getting mad at his wife for taking so much time caring for Cathy that he was being neglected. He didn't say anything to Cathy or myself but said it to hos wife in front of us and told Cathy she was going to have to grow up or something to that effect. I believe he was glad when I brought her home. And he only had to put up with her for 3 or 4 weeks and has a wife to do everything but make any decisions. He makes offers he hopes we won't take him up on but he would man up for at least a little while if I were to call on him for help. At least he acts like a grown man and is willing to at least try to help out. She has 4 sisters and they are all crazy. One is out for everything she can get and then throws most of it way at some casino. One is an alcoholic Jehovah's Witness and thinks she is better than us and acts condescending. Can't stand her at all. The other one is the one that was gonna marry my older brother till he died. It was her son that is the child of my dead brother that I had to pay for DNA testing when probating my mothers house. My mothers other surviving son was trying everything  he could to steal this house. She is crazy as a loon. She takes a lot of medications and sometimes she's alright, sometimes she pretty spacey but still alright and then sometimes she can just turn on you all of a sudden. She isn't violent but she can be mean and hateful.
  I wish my hand would quit hurting. i would go to the ER but there isn't anything they can do to help me. just give some drug that either won't help at all or something that has very bad side effects. I can't get a shot to get knocked out because I have to be able to take care of Cathy. Loratabs and oxycontin and their ilk make me sick as a dog. ultram and tylonol 3 and darvacette don't help at prescribed doses and make me sick if I take more to try and get some relief.
  Now she's bitching about the door. I suppose I should get another one and replace it. Then I would have to fix the wall behind it where I embedded the door in it. Damn, everything is piling up on me. I've spent all day between Cathy and laundry and am tired and in some serious pain. All I want is to smoke a little and lay down with some light music  and go to sleep. Thats the only time I have any peace is when I'm unconsious. Well shit. Later

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