Why Bother

Well, I don't know what to do. The system here is one of "my way or the highway". They probably can't do anything to help me but I have to quit doing anything that is not acceptable to them before they will even tell me that they can't do anything for me. Meaning, I have to lose the only sleep aid that works without unacceptable side effect and the same thing for the pain. And then, the first appointment date available is an unknown date that is at least two months away at the earliest. And Cathy is gonna be Cathy. I can't really fault her with wanting me to talk with her and help her do things. Other than loving each other, we have nothing in common. She likes to gossip and will exagerate so much as to just tell an absolute lie. I don't want to hear gossip. I can't stand a lier. Anything I try to talk to her about, she either can't comprehend what  I'm trying to get across or she just doesn't want to hear. The little projects she likes to work on, she isn't capable of doing without help and I help as often as I can but I can't concentrate or keep from getting frustrated and not able to help near as much as she would like. I don't know what to do. If I abandon Cathy, she won't live long and will be miserable for whatever life she has left. But my life is becoming unbearable and she is part of the problem. And even if I just got off by myself, there is no path I can think of that will let me live without being miserable for the rest of my life. I can't see any help that will actually help without doing more harm than good. Sometimes I do think it would be better to just quit and jump off this world. Good thing I'm a coward about some things I guess. I should have already been out west where there are enough people with a little sense about cannabis that I might be able to get a little help. I have given in to Cathy till we have next to nothing left. And Cathy would have difficulties trying to make such a trip safely. And we wouldn't have anywhere to live at least for a while which would make things hard on Cathy. And we probably can't get enough out of this place to get even a modest trailer on its own lot. And Cathy would have to part with a lot of her junk. So I'll wait till she dies. I can still live out of the van long enough to find a cheap place and I can get by in a cheaper place that I would need if I were to have to make it suitable for me and Cathy. But I don't want her to die. But I am going to be miserable as long as I hever to care for her. But I don't want her to die and leave me alone. and I don't know of any situation where I would/could find someone to join me in living the rest of my life. You know that old W.C.Fields joke, "I don't think I'ld care to join an originzation that would have me for a member."
  Saying things like that as often as I do, I wonder if I realy like myself.  maybe its enough to just be comfortable with who I am and not worry about the way circumstances within and around me force me to act. I do make great efforts to be nice to deserving people and even animals. I once enjoyed hunting and being out in the woods and all that but no one in my family wanted to eat the meat from squirels or deer and I can't see trophy hunting to kill something for anything other than to feed my family. Now, when I get hungry I can eat wild meat without a second thought if the need were to arrise but I also found out that I'm not supposed to own or carry a firearm. Even though I was only 17 when I got into serious trouble, I was tried and sentenced as an adult. And it was serious only to the police and prosecuting attourney, using and posessing drugs. They wouldn't even let me join the military after that. Even the Marines, who were the only ones that even tried to get me in couldn't get a waiver for me. Now, if I had shot and killed someone, I wouldn't have had any problems. I was pretty good at hiding things wrong with me then. I'm not as tough now as I used to be though. And things are a lot worse and much harder to hide now days.
  God this noise is persistant. I think if I could get it to go away and let me still be able to hear, I could have a chance at something close to a normal life. Is there really any such thing as a "normal life"? We used to live in a subdivision where "normal" people lived and they played with us as kids but we kinda went different paths as everyone grew up. I never was able to "fit in" like my brothers did. And my sister didn't really fit in either. If ti weren't for granny, she wouldn't have lived no where near as long as she did. I feel bad about not being a better brother to her sometimes. I generaly try to avoid thinking about such troubling thing as i don't deal with them well. Gotta go.