We'll try tis again. Yesterday was a serious "Paint It Black" day. Today doesn't seem to be any better so far. Nothing is good. Can't/won't take enough Xanax to get this under control because it won't do any good and all I would be able to do would be to lay down and stare at the ceiling or sleep a sleep that doesn't do any good. I can't incapasitate myself because Cathy needs me to be able to function to be able to help her. Don't know why things are going to shit lately. Can't think of any cause for the downturn. Wish it would go away. The noise feels defening and loud, hard hitting music like Paint It Black can get through but doesn't help me get things under control. Jonny Be Good is a little lighter mood and hard hitting without the dark mood overtones but just doesn't work when the tears and rage force their way up. Especialy when they are near constant for days at a time. I don't know which is worse, the depression or the rage. And its terrible when they come together. I feel like doing a "TAZ" dance sometimes. You know, when the cartoon Tazmanian Devil starts just spinning around and bouncing of everything in sight, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Is that strange?
And Poor Cathy has to suffer way more than necessary because of me. And that makes the tears flow even worse when I can back away and realize what I'm doing to her. No one should have to try to live under the circumstances she has to put up with. I'm the only person that cares enough about her to stay for the long haul but I'm not good for her state of mind. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay with me. This is OK with me because I love her and want her to have some chance to be where ever she feels happyest, best, most comfortable. I just wish I didn't have so many problems that cause her pain and fear. gotta go
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