Not much hope.

Well, I got through the psych evaluation but just barely. I was thinking about leaving after an hour and a half of waiting but they finaly called me back before it got that far. The girl that did the evaluation seemed more concerned with procedures and regulations that a patient. Told me that she wants to set me up with psychiatric appointment but I will have to be "clean" or they won't help me. I don't smoke cannabis just because I like it, I need help with pain and sleep and the pharmacuticles they keep trying to shove down my throat either make me sick or stupid or have no noticable effect at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm no hypricrite so I'll admit that I would probably smoke it at least everyonce in a while because I do like the way it makes me feel. Maybe I wouldn't smoke it if I felt alright normaly, but I'm far from alright under any circumstances. I don't like feeling like a crook all the time because of cannabis but I hate the pain without relief and not sleeping as well as anxiety and all the other things that are in me. It doesn't do a lot to help the periods of rage though. The Xanax actualy does seem to help with the rages. I have snapped a few times since I started taking it but have been able to catch myself before I did anything more than just react. Like I will react but can catch myself and stop things from getting so far as for me to become so enraged that I need someone or something to intervene to keep me from hurting anyone. I'm the one that gets hurt for like over thirty years I think but it has had a lot of luck involved too. Meaning that I will beat on a wall or anything else besides people so far. And the brokens bones all belong to me. mostly just one hand is messed up from me getting angry but I believe I have fractured something in or next to my elbow one time when I messed up a door and the wall behind it. That was the last time I lost control by the way. As much as I hate the Xanax, it does seem to work somewhat. I had a near miss one time during winter when I had to find a heater late in the evening but I don't think I was taking any at that time. That may have been when I decided to not go out unless absolutly necessary without taking one ahead of time so it would be working before I ever leave the house. See how easily I get confused. and about an incident that was important enough to stick in my mind but not as clearly as I thought it was a few months ago. I can't even remember when I started taking the Xanax. Can't remember when the incident in the Walmart parking lot was either. Just that we had to have a heater which would mean it was winter, or at least cold.. Thats what I don't like about taking things like Xanax, even at such a low dose as 1/4 milligram. It just makes me stupid. I can't seem to follow through on a thought process, kinda like the typical stoner on TV.
  Later.