Thursday, August 11, 2011

Here again

  It still suks to  be me. I broke down in the doctors office today. That was hard to go through. I almost walked out. I do need some kind of help but I  don't know if there is anything anyone can do. I don't know what will help that isn't beyound what is acceptable. I will not let anyone put Cathy in a nursing home. She is the only thing anyone could change that would make any difference in my life but I will gladly keep suffering rather than allow her to be put anywhere she doesn't want to be.
  I believe I have Meineres Disease. I have all the symptoms of an advanced case od the disease. What I have always dismissed as a stomach flu or just some little problem is actualy vertigo caused by the Meineres Disease. I have akways just said I was a little dizzy and nauseated when having to answer to anyone about what was wrong with me. Sometimes, it gets a lot worse than just a little dizzy. It can get bad enough for me to have to find somewhere to lay down. I remember one time while talking to a cop that I had to set down to prevent myself from falling down. I now I have felt it as bad as that at other times but under normal circumstances, I find somewhere to lay down but you can't just tell a cop to come back later because your starting to feel ill.
  I have said it suks to be me kinda jokingly but I think it realy does suk to be me. Thats a terrible thing to have to admit to myself. I'm a realist, or try to be anyway, and feel the need to be totaly honest with myself. Things would be so much easier to be able to lie to myself, as I have apparently been doing for the past 30 something years, and believe everything is alright or fixable. As it is, its pretty hard to get my mind around the fact that I have probably been lying to myself for so long. This is going the wrong way.

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