Monday, June 06, 2011

A friend indeed

  A friend had a laptop computer that I checked out for him as well as some pieces of junk he got at some auction. He came to pick up the laptop and left me a small gift.  I feel much better now. I don't have to be afraid to go to sleep again tonight. As bad as things get, its much worse if I can't sleep without such bad dreams. I don't even want to go to sleep when I know that I'm liable to have them. Anxiety and rage have nothing on waking up in a panic and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It takes me a long time to settle down when it happens. I just can't lay down and try to go back to sleep. So I'm tired, sore and afraid to go back to sleep. I seem to get pretty active during some of those type dreams. I normaly toss and turn when I sleep but I wake up fighting whatever demons my mind has conjoured up during some of them. Being trapped in a cardboard box with cars running me over and being in a fire fight with no amunition or a jammed gun or can't find my gun. Not fantasy demons but just as terrifying as anything anyone could make up. Or at least I don't remember any fantasy type nightmares. Just the fighting and running or trying to run or escape type.
  When you think your life is about as bad as it can get, something reminds me it can get a lot worse. Thank god Cathy has been being good so far today. Maybe she noticed I have been a little touchy since I ran out of Xanax. I couldn't even get anyone on the phone at the clinic I go to today. Why do I accept being the one that always falls between the cracks so to speak. Hell, why do I always fall between the cracks. Even the most important person in my world doesn't show any concern for me except when I lose it and let her know some of what I suffer through to stay with her and take care of her. My son that we gave everything to so he wouldn't feel like the poor relative growing up doesn't even hardly call and only came by when he was finished vacationing and going back to his motel to rest before returning to his home. I can't realy blame him for not having much to do with Cathy and me. We aren't very lively or interesting or anything and there just ain't that much to talk about between us I recon. Can't continue.

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