suks again

  Don't know why I bother with this. Don't know why I bother with anything. Cathy woke up around 3 and kept getting me to do things till I lost any chances of getting back to sleep. Playing cards on this thing gets pretty boring after 3 or 4 hours. I think I'll look into some of the cheap game disks with a lot of old simple games to play so I might find something else besides solitaire and hearts. Don't know why my poker site quit playing free games. I don't realy gamble. I have lost about maybe $60 between all the casino visits and on-line gambling over the years. It would be easy for someone to convince themselves that they could win more than lose. At least there is one bright spot to being brutally honest with ones self  and that keeps me from being too big a fool with things like gambling and being scamed for a suker. It doesn't keep me from making bad deals and coming out on the losing end but I don't care that much about things and or money as long as I have what I need. There have been two areas of my life where I have consistantly been willing to take a loss and they won't be a problem any more soon. My mothers other surviving son was one of those and he won't even come around unless theres something in it for him so I won't be dealing with him ever again more than likely and Cathy's life is on a short string and I won't be worried about making her happy any more after she's gone so that covers almost all of my weak points. If I didn't have this noise in my head all the time, I could do what. Fool myself into thinking I could be normal. Forget about the pain I endure and the depression and rages I  swing back and forth through all the time. I can't even fool myself into focusing on one thing to blame all my problems on. How do people fool themselves all the time? Reality has to show up sometime or another. How do they handle knowing their entire existance is a fraud. I know my mothers other surviving son has a big problem letting the truth enter his world. I backed him into a corner one time and showed him where all his self worth was based on total lies and he couldn't even speak for a little while and when he was able to get himself back together, he just up and left. Maybe its easier to be happy when your whole world suks if you can keep telling yourself "I'm the best" "I'm better than you" . Thats him all over. I just don't see how anyone can keep telling themselves such lies when the world shows them they are wrong. I can't. Maybe get somewhere that I can depend on public transportation and start drinking again. That got me half way through my life with better results than I've had since I quit drinking. I'ld probably get hurt or killed if were to start drinking again. I had little resistance to getting angry when I was drinking and did get into a few scraps back then. Even got arrested for going after the landlord with a shotgun once. God I've got to figure out what to do.