evening

  Cathy wanted something besides a frozen dinner so I cooked a meal. I hate when I have to do that. I'm on my feet for almost an hour and I feel every second of it now. Everything hurts. I bumped my hand in the sink and it started up hurting again. Its not broken because the swelling went down but it sure is tender. Kinda hard to just ignore now. I'll ease up tonight or tomorrow. I'll just baby it for a while. My back, hips and ankle are bothering me a lot too. And I am gonna have to wash dishes sometime tomorrow. I recon I need to get a bath too. My beard is starting to bother me so I know its time to get cleaned up right with a shower and all instead of just washing up in the sink. I gotta go lay down and straighten out my back for a while. Later.

Tuesday

  It's just another day. Nothing remarkable. Same ol same ol. Noise, pain, tears, but no anger so far. Thats good for everyone around here. The "no anger" part. music is working. Xanax is working. I'm tired but don't want to take them close enough together to put me to sleep. I wake up real stupid and it takes a while to get my head straightened out. Besides all that, my  refill hasn't been called in and I've only got one left. I hate it when people hide behind answering machines and I'm just stuck here waiting on someone to do something and all I can do is wait and wait and wait. Better stop here.

11:00 and alls shit

    Cathy took a long nap this afternoon and isn't going to behave this evening. It took me 15 minutes to write that last sentence. I just can't get things right. I don't know what to do. Cathy is very lonely and I'm no help to in that area. I try to do some little things to help her but I can never do enough for her. She's never satisfied. then I try to talk with her and not at her but I always get angry and have to walm away.  Sometimes I don't walk away quickly enough and do things I shouldn't do. The hole in the bedroom door is a little larger tonight. My hand hurts like all get out. Hope it isn't broken again. Anyway, these situations aren't good for anybody. Poor Cathy was scared and hurt. She has no understanding of what the term "leave me alone right now" means. Maybe she doesn't hear me sometimes. I can't even remember what she was talking about at the time. Probably nothing to get angry about and definitely nothing to get as angry as I do. I feel sorry for her a lot of the time. But theres nobody to take my place besides a couple of people that only want a free place to live and control of her disability check. She has one brother and one sister that aren't good for her but they are the only ones that have much to do with her. She has an older brother who was going to help out for a while but started getting mad at his wife for taking so much time caring for Cathy that he was being neglected. He didn't say anything to Cathy or myself but said it to hos wife in front of us and told Cathy she was going to have to grow up or something to that effect. I believe he was glad when I brought her home. And he only had to put up with her for 3 or 4 weeks and has a wife to do everything but make any decisions. He makes offers he hopes we won't take him up on but he would man up for at least a little while if I were to call on him for help. At least he acts like a grown man and is willing to at least try to help out. She has 4 sisters and they are all crazy. One is out for everything she can get and then throws most of it way at some casino. One is an alcoholic Jehovah's Witness and thinks she is better than us and acts condescending. Can't stand her at all. The other one is the one that was gonna marry my older brother till he died. It was her son that is the child of my dead brother that I had to pay for DNA testing when probating my mothers house. My mothers other surviving son was trying everything  he could to steal this house. She is crazy as a loon. She takes a lot of medications and sometimes she's alright, sometimes she pretty spacey but still alright and then sometimes she can just turn on you all of a sudden. She isn't violent but she can be mean and hateful.
  I wish my hand would quit hurting. i would go to the ER but there isn't anything they can do to help me. just give some drug that either won't help at all or something that has very bad side effects. I can't get a shot to get knocked out because I have to be able to take care of Cathy. Loratabs and oxycontin and their ilk make me sick as a dog. ultram and tylonol 3 and darvacette don't help at prescribed doses and make me sick if I take more to try and get some relief.
  Now she's bitching about the door. I suppose I should get another one and replace it. Then I would have to fix the wall behind it where I embedded the door in it. Damn, everything is piling up on me. I've spent all day between Cathy and laundry and am tired and in some serious pain. All I want is to smoke a little and lay down with some light music  and go to sleep. Thats the only time I have any peace is when I'm unconsious. Well shit. Later

Memorial day

Well, its just another day. And Cathy has been taken care of as far as her morning meds and a trip to the bathroom. Had to take a Xanax already. It feels like my life is over. I hurt 24 hours a day. I have this noise screaming in my head eternaly. I am out of breath after just walking Cathy less than 10 feet to her potty chair and putting her back to bed. If I go outside in the heat, it gets worse. I'm always either crying or angry. Never have anything to do that is actually enjoyable. Well, there are moments where I have pleasant things go through my mind like when I can think about something nice to do with Cathy. But those times are very few and don't last long. I've had two days in the past 10 months that I could do anything I wanted to and all I could do was find somewhere out of the heat and turn my MP3 player on to distract me from the noise and keep the rest of the world out. Even being at the beach wasn't enjoyable. Right now, I have a purpose with Cathy needing me. What will I have when she's gone? What will I do? I already am out of place out in public. Are things going to get worse without Cathy?

He's gone

  Thank goodness he's gone. Its a new day and I have no one around but Cathy and she is sleeping. I couldn't get her to go to sleep till sometime after 1:00 this morning. Her sister didn't get here till nearly midnight to pick him up. Then they had to "visit" for a while. Thats OK. At least she took him with her when she left. She called back a while after they left asking about weather or not he had gotten a check or any money since he had been here. He is lying to her too apparently. Buts its all OK. The only thing I have to deal with today so far is the noise and my back a little. The noise isn't so intense that my music doesn't help. I can't turn it up loud because Cathy's resting but at least its distracting from the noise a little. Keeps me from climbing the wall. So for now, theres peace on the home front. I'm gonna plan to watch the race today and take it easy if Cathy doesn't get up and cause a lot of problems. Later.

Saturday

  Its been a long day. I've spent most of it closed off with the air conditioner. I am keeping tabs on Cathy but I can't stand to be around her brother. If his mouth is open and any thing is coming out besides air, hes lying. If I can't believe what someone has to say, there is no point in listening to them say anything.
  I was gonna take Cathy to the beach this morning before her brother showed up. I can't be around him very much. I just want to smash his face most of the time. I can't stand to even look at him. And I can't stand that Cathy wants to keep giving things to him. gotta go

Can't get a break

  What do I have to do to get a break? Jump off the face of the earth?. Don't look I'm gonna get any more breaks in this life. Unless its a broken head or some such break. Cathy's brother showed up again. I don't like him. I don't trust him. I don't want him around me. I can't make too much of a fuss or it will cause Cathy to get upset for no good reason. I give her too much grief already. I'll have to hold back as long as I can. Damn I hate them Xanax. Or I hate having to take them. And he just walks right in like he belongs here. I just want to be left alone. And there he goes. Just long enough to irritate me. Looks like I missed my shot last week with all the "end of the world" types. They were wrong again. Not that I want the world to end. I just get tired of having to be in it some times. Good thing I'm a coward about doing anything permanant I recon.

starting early

  Woke up in shit this morning. Or should I say last night? Somewhere a little after 3:oo, I gave up. nothing I'm willing to put up with was helping. Still isn't. Tried washing the dishes and all that got me was my back, hips and ankle hurting pretty bad even before daylight. I had to go out to the van and get my MP3 player. I couldn't turn my computer up loud enough without risking disturbing Cathy's rest. And the music does help even when I have to turn it up pretty loud. Sometimes not enough but always some. I'm going to have to figure out something. I'll try overlapping my Xanax and see if I can get a nap later this morning.  I'm very tired. So what else is new. Between the noise and the music, I can't pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time. Can't even finish a complete sentence all at one time. Later.

Didn't help long

  Well, I had another day off away from Cathy. Even took my Xanax. Had to have my MP3 in both ears at the beach on a mid week day. The biggest noise was this inside my head. It is intense today. Even overlaping the Xanax wouldn't let me take a nap when they usualy make me take one. I would lay down in the van for a while and just stay there. I really needed something beside anger to be more intense than this noise. Still do. Cathy is making it hard to keep the anger away. She is not a person I would choose to be around but for some strange reason I love her. Those were the only pleasant thoughts I had when I went to the beach. Imagining holding her and helping her walk to the water and holding her while we walked in. Never got any farther than that. Couldn't find anything pleasant to occupy my mind because the noise wouldn't let me think very long before my thought turned to hateing this noise, its so bad today. Just won't let me ignore it for any length of time. just don't know

Forgot the garbage

   Yesterdays change threw me off my schedule. I forgot to put out the garbage can last night. That means we're gonna have two week old garbage hanging around before they come back. Like things don't stink enough around here. That's more a figurative statement because my smeller don't work very good. But I will probably be able to smell that garbage by the time they pick it up. Yesterday was good for me if for no other reason than I had at least 4 hours where I had no contact with anyone. A couple of either gays or hustlers came and set down close to me but I just put listened to my music and kept a watch on them out the side of my glasses. I really don't like being out amongst people unless its necessary like going to the store or doctor. Even then I don't like it but sometimes its necessary.
  It was nice not to have to deal with Cathy for a while. That kinda makes things a little tough though. I don't know what to say to Cathy. I'm her security blanket sorta. I'm always there. Well almost always. She doesn't like it when I'm gone for more than a few minutes like to the drug store which is just 4 blocks away. And I drive so I'm generally not gone more than 10 - 15 minutes at a time what with the dollar store just next door. If I expect to be longer than that, she wants me to take her with me. How do I tell such a fragile person I need to get away from her. The lady  that was staying with her yesterday is coming again today and Cathy is unhappy before she even gets here.
  Boy, if its not one thing its another. About the only way I can stop things from coming up is to be asleep. Or dead maybe. Well, its Xanax time again. Damn, I hate that. Its bad enough to have to take something that makes me feel stupid but to have the problems not completely go away even then makes it not worth bothering.

Something new

Cathy had someone come in and care for her today for 8 hours. I saw the doctor for the reason that the girl from Lakeview center wanted to and went by and signed a release for them to get the information. It was pretty aggravating having to set in a waiting room full of people making a lot of noise. I had to put both ear buds in to keep all the other noise from getting too much for me to handle. That made it hard to hear when peoples names were being called to see the doctor. I had to get right up amongst them to be close enough to know when someone was being called so I could pause my MP3 player to listen to who was being called. I don't think much of the doctors opinion he expressed to me. My problems are caused by drug use during my teen age years. Nothing to do with being hit in the head with a small sledge hammer 25-30 years ago. I agree about the hammer incident but not the drug use. Nothing about all the noise on my head. Nothing about being abused by my own mother. Nothing about being shuttled around from one place to another when my mother didn't want us. Nothing about being made to feel like I was less than everyone else by my step mother and uncle during my stays with them. Nothing about my father abandoning my mother and my brothers when we were very young. Nothing about way he acted after he found me as  an adult and conned me into moving to Arkansas with promises of making up for some of his mistakes when I was young and then abandoning me again except when he wanted to get drunk. He would tolerate me then because his wife would get me to stay with him while he made the rounds and keep him out of trouble. He was just a pile of shit for a father. Likable but never a father which was what I wanted him to be. My mother was mean and hateful, but at least she never ignored us except when  she would leave us with other people. She wasn't too bad with my brothers but me and my little sister were just not as good as they were for some reason. Maybe because they looked like our father. Jennifer had a different father that us boys. I should have been a better brother to her. She would probably be alive today if anyone had taken an interest in her. I actually made her leave when she was staying with me and Cathy not long before she got killed. If I hadn't done that, she wouldn't have been where she was doing the things she was doing when she got ran over. It would be nice for her to be around now. she did look up to me and I not only let her down, but I treated her the same way everyone treated me and shoved her away. Theres really no excuses for some of the things I have done.

from bad to worse

I did not help things today. The Xanax didn't help. I had to get away from Cathy before I could get settled down and that took a few hours. I couldn't leave her so I just moved the van around back under some shade and listened to my MP3 player till I could get things straightened out in my head. The girl that helps bathe her came and rousted  me from the van. I got them lined out and took another Xanax and then went back out to the van. I just couldn't be around anybody, not even, or maybe especialy Cathy. Then the nurse came around and rousted me again. I think I had dozed off for a short while because when I saw the state Cathy had worked herself into, my heart melted. I wasn't angry any more and did everything I could to sooth her. It took a little while but I finaly got her calmed down and resting. I lay down with her after the nurse left and we both went to sleep for a couple of hours. It had to have been the Xanax. When I woke up, I felt like I hadden't had any sleep for the past week or so. It feels like trying funtion with a small portion of my brain or something like that. I don't really know how to exress myself well enough to acuratly describe the feeling. I literaly have to make a great inner effort to get through whatever it is Im feeling to get to normal. Or at least whats normal for me. Its hard to go through that and not go right back to angry. I've been touchy all day since then but I'm aware of things and try to avoid contact with Cathy as much as possible right now without leaving her alone again. She wasn't really alone this morning but she didn't know I was just out back in the van. She thought I had left till the girl came and got me to make sure it was alright to care for Cathy. There are things I have to do when she comes like get the power pack for Cathy's bath chair. And the hospice social worker came by. She has arainged someone to set with Cathy a couple days a week so I can get away from her a little and maybe not be as easily upset all the time. Maybe that is what I need. We'll see.
  That reminds me. I need to get a shower tonight. And a shave too. I'm going to use tomorrow to catch up with a doctors exam tomorrow for the physcologist or whatever she is. She wants a regular doctor to "determine" that me getting hit in the head with a small sledge hammer years ago hsan't left me with an injury that is an underlying reason for the problems I have. It was over 25 years ago.

Another day

  God, I don't know what I'm gonna do.I can't believe she makes my life hard just because she wants to. It does seem that way a lot of the time. The hospice nurse comes today. I have probably asked before but i am gonna ask today if there is any kind of day care I can take Cathy to sometimes. That would be a great help for me and she might enjoy interacting with other people some. She is starting , no has been doing her shit for hours already. She is a master at manipulation and uses confusion as a weapon. She asks " how does her calling me repeatedly cause me pain. I explain over and over that every step I take on my messed up ankle hurts. " Oh you poor thing" is what I get. She would make a normal person want to leave. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me the way she does. If I send her wawy or leave her, I'm convinced she will wither and die. Maybe that would be the best thing for all involved. I get very little out of this life and she just crushes every little thing that I have a chance to enjoy. I just told her I don't want to be married to her any more. I can't take her total disregard for the misery she causes me. I have enough without any more from her. She won't look at the way she acts hurts other people. With me, its both physical and mental touture she puts me through. I can't blame our son for not wanting to come around us. She would tell me lies to get him in trouble when he didn't do as she wanted and I gave him plenty of trouble because I always believed her. I've been pretty naive about things my whole life I guess. It took many years into adulthood to realise what my mother was always trying to do to us kids and 30 something years to realise what Cathy is doing to me and has done to our son. I should hate her  and my mother and my father. I don't care much about my father but I just don't hate my mother or Cathy. I do think I hate my mothers other living son. I know I don't like him. I tried to do right by him for my mothers sake and because I told her I would try to help him out after shes gone but he has tried at every chance he could find to rob me and my family of whats rightfully mine. He sold family posessions that he had no right to sell and even tried to have me arrested for breaking into my mothers house in an attempt to steal it.
  What do I do about Cathy? I have turned my musoc all the way up to prevent her pittiful little cries and wimpers from melting my heart. She is very good at that sort of thing. She uses all the mental weapons available to the most devious minds in existance. I can't even listen to " loving you" right now and that is one my favorite songs when I'm not in a dark mood.

Monday

  I had to check the day/date on the computer this morning. I'm not having a good day already. Some of it is interesting though. I have been trying to figure out how to make a desktop printer to print directly to a T-shirt.  I know that Dupont makes textile inks for this purpose and that there are others that have done this. My biggest problem is that I don't know enough about the electronic parts and pieces that are used and what the parts I think I would need to piece into the machine are called or if they even exist. I'm sure they exist. There is a guy selling a setup with instructions for instalation to do everything I want added electronicaly to the machine. This is not a new project to me. I have been thinking about it for years. I even built one that doesn't work. I'm pretty sure I shorted out and electrical sensor that tells the printer weather or not there are ink cartridges loaded in the machine or not. That was a printer that cost almost $300 and while I have replaced it with a refurbished one, I hesitate to risk ruining another expenssive printer. My original one was pretty crude too. With having to take care of Cathy, my time for marketing custom photo printed T-shirts is limited, and my sales person ability is very low. This project has been on a back burner for some time now. Projects are something that are helpful for me to have something interesting to apply my mind to. I think. They may add to my irritability and frustration when I hit roadblocks because of my lack of eduaction and/or money. Failure is also hard for me to accept. Especialy for a project that has the possible financial implications that a T-shirt printer can have. If I can get one or more operating and have some sort of sales system that could deliver the orders to keep at least one machine busy for 8 hours a day, I could make a living again. Maybe not as much money as I did as an iron worker, after adjusting for the differences in the value of a dollar between then and now, but a modest living anyway. Boy, wouldn't that be a boost for my ego after so many years of either doing nothing or failing at whatever I would try. Hasn't been that many things I tried. Email marketing was a failure from the start and that was my fault. I quit after I recieved a lot of flame emails back. That was a roller coaster of emotions for a while then. I was successful as a roofer for a short while. I even got a Florida contractors license, which takes passing a two to three hour test. I worked and saved my money and bought air powered nail guns and compressors and had work coming all the time. My back would ache a lot but I could do the work and with the nail guns, I could do pretty good with putting out enough production to make decent money. Not very long after I bought an old dump truck for hauling off debris, I got rear ended in a car wreck. After that, I couldn't bend over for ten minutes before I would have to lay flat on my back for awhile because of pain. I did, for a while before all this, supplement Cathy's disability check with hauling scrap iron and junk cars and such but after the wreck that messed up my back. I couldn't lift and load anything heavy without suffering greatly so I had to even quit that. I did get into rebuilding cars from auctions and reselling them but wasn't making much money as slow as I was at getting anything done. Paying lawyers and DNA testing to keep my mothers other living son from stealing everything my mother left behind took up all the money I had to work with and paying him off for his share of the house after he had sold everything he could get his hands on took what little was left and had to trade my place in Mississippi in on the deal too. But Cathy had to have this house/dump for some stupid reason and I tried to tell her it was a dump and the things she was expecting to happen wouldn't. So I go back to dreaming up something new for me to do that isn't very painfull and I can find a way around having to deal with a lot of people.

Afternoon

  Well, its another one of those days. At least its just aggravation and not the depression. IT may be part of the depression but at least I'm not going back and forth between tears and anger. Poor Cathy has to suffer in silence or I can come unglued with the smallest thing. This can't be good for her.
   Don't know where I was going. But Cathy is alright at the moment and I think she understands that she needs to leave me alone unless she really needs me to help her with something. I'm sorry I blow up at her. I don't know how we are still together with all our problems and being two totally different people. She is a person I wouldn't even waste a conversation on if I didn't love her. I'm pretty sure I love her. I'd hate to put up with anyone that does things the way she does without a very good reason. I  do see her making efforts to do things she thinks will help me. I don't know. I took a Xanax. I hate that I have to take pills just to be able to be around my own wife. And theres a lot of guilt. First off, I know that she has the mind of a child and isn't really responsible for the way she feels and acts, up to a point. She also has dementia that carries that point a lot farther. She needs someone with both compassion and patience to care for her and she needs pleasant interaction with other people to avoid feeling lonely. Believe me, I'm not someone that is nice and friendly or likes engaging in conversation and hates gossip. So besides me not being the type personality that she needs, I'm even worse with all the problems I have. I'm the type person she should avoid. The only thing in my favor is that I do love her. I must even though I question it sometimes. Well, another thing which ain't all that good at times. I'll do whatever it takes, as far as I'm able to make sure she has at least some chance to be happy.
  What about me? Do I have a right to be happy? Do I have to sacrifice everything to give Cathy as pleasant an existence as possible? Especially when nothing I ever do is good enough or goes far enough. I try to do special things and go to a lot of effort and pain to take her places and get her out of the house. Most of the time, we end up arguing and unhappy because she didn't get enough time to spend looking and making up her mind or she wants something that I have said we aren't getting. She wants to buy more plants. More things for me to have to care for. A short while earlier, she wanted another dog. Something else I have to care for. She has three already and I take care of them 95% of the time. Hell they won't leave me alone most of the time. When Cathy wasn't expected to be here long, I had a general plan to sell out the house and move to the desert southwest where you can live for free within certain rules and the money from the house would sustain me long enough for my retirement kicks in. A whole $300 something a month. It still seems like a good idea. I have thought it through and it can possibly be a dead end situation but I don't know. I don't even know if theres a good enough reason to keep suffering through this miserable existence after Cathys gone. One thing one of the nurses said to me when Cathy was in such bad shape keeps sticking in my mind. It's not painful to starve to death.

Sunday Morning

  Another night with little sleep. This noise is pretty bad this morning. It's been bad most of the night and my back, hips and ankle are hurting. I didn't think I was all that active yesterday but I have been hurting all night. I toss and turn so bad, I got wrapped up in the bed sheet. Had to get loose when I decided to quit trying to go back to sleep. I just hope Cathy keeps progressing well with her tooth extraction recovery. She keeps me hopping and that doesn't make it easy for me. Moving around a little every once in a while keeps my back and hips from getting to stiff but Cathy keeps calling a lot more than every once in a while. And she wants me to do her bidding more than she wants anything else. I don't know if shes just restless and hurting or just trying to get back at me for some imagined wrong I've done her. I think its just me being over sensative. I hope so. I don't really think she would want to torture me for getting her to behave for two days and having her tooth pulled. It was for her own good.
  Well, its almost daylight and I guess I should move around some and turn the dogs loose. Later.

saturday's alright

  Not counting the noise in my head, today has been a relatively easy day. I got a little short tempered with Cathy when I took her to Walmart but that blew over pretty quickly. I stopped at Churches and got her some chicken. It is good for her to get things to eat that don't go from freezer to microwave.Did I say I'm a terrible cook? Eggs are the best thing I cook and theres no guarantee any two will turn out the same. Anyway, I had to get new batteries for my MP3 player. It is very hard for me to go out amongst people without something to listen to besides the noise in my head and the chaos that the rest of the world sounds like.
  Cathy is pretty weak today. Her tooth, or the place where her tooth got pulled from, is bothering her. Besides taking M S Contin, Lyrica, Xanax, and a Loritab, I am keeping hot compresses on it when she's awake. She passed out on the way back from the store. I had to do most of the work getting her from the van seat to her wheel chair. She came around after getting inside the house enough to eat her chicken. I kept an eye on her to make sure she didn't pass out again and/or choke on her food.
  I need to make better arraignment for her seating because when she's in her seat, I can't keep an eye on her very well. I want to take one of the rotating seat pedestals and move it to the front passenger seat and relocate it a little so the seat can spin around when pulled back and then be in a near normal position when locked in place so the shoulder belts will hold her in when she loses consciousness. The rear seats don't have anything but a lap belt. I've been thinking about leaving the rear captain chairs out and get a ramp to just roll her, chair and all up into the van and then just move her from the wheel chair the her seat and spin her around and lock in place. And I still need to fix the brakes. I should work on a plan to do that, fix the brakes. They are more important that rearranging the seats. Gotta go move around a little to ease my back. Later.

We're back.

  We made it through the tooth extraction. And Cathy is OK. Shes resting right now. It did take a lot out of her. That is one tooth that won't bother her again. and it was pretty uneventful except for the way we acted trying to get to the time for her appointment.
  Things are rather boring right now with Cathy sleeping. I took a nap with her but I was only able to sleep for about 45 minutes. I'm glad I was able to sleep at all. I usually can't sleep during the day without help from either a little cannabis or a Xanax. I'm not feeling stupid like I normally would if I had taken a Xanax before resting and I didn't smoke anything so I must have been pretty tired. I do feel better after the nap. 
  I have been thinking about checking into which states are set up with MMJ laws and find out if I would qualify and how we might be able to afford to relocate to one of them. I'm going to leave off for now and do some research. Later.

Couldn't last

  I knew it was too good to last. Cathy started this morning. Refusing to behave and says shes going to tell the nurses I hit her when I just slapped her on her butt to get her to pay attention to me. I recon I'm abusing her and she needs to find someone else to care for her. I believe it would make my life a little easier. I don't think she's the root cause of any of my problems but she doesn't make life easy for me.
  I took a Xanax some time ago but it isn't helping. I'm holding everyting back so as to not traumatize Cathy before her dental appointment, but the tears won't stop. I could probably get them to stop if I were to stop holding back but that wouldn't be good for Cathy or me. This place has enough holes in walls and doors, it doesn't need any more. I'm gonna have to sell it some day. Also, letting go may not stop the tears anyway. I have been in a totaly uncontroled rage and the tears just streaming down my face at the same time. I have had episodes when driving that I had to pull of the road and park for short time to get under control enough to get home. And now the nurse is here trying to understand whats up so she can deal with Cathy and I have to tell her things I'ld rather not go into verbaly right now. I can't stop and walk away for a while when talking to people like I can here.

My girl

Well, Cathy shows her true colors today. She was a good girl for the first time in ages but she was a good girl for me.I don't care why, she was a very good girl. No problems from her and that let me even have a day with minimum problems for myself. No tears or anger today.Well, at least none after I finaly got through to her how important it was to rest and behave, and threatened to leave. But the rest of my day was trouble free. My music kept the noise from driving me up a wall and the day is almost over without any traumatic episodes. Maybe I can string a few more days like today together and have a nice weekend. I am going to try. If everything goes OK tomorrow with Cathy's tooth extraction, I'll take her shopping and buy her some MORE ear rings. That was a pronise I made her to get her to behave. I just hope she is up to it after the dentist. I may have to put it off for a few days but I know she won't want to do that.
  I'm afraid that if I get to far into things right now, I'll ruin what has been a decent day so I'm through for now. Later.

Finnished?

  I don't know what to do with Cathy. She has a broken tooth that she needs pulled. She needs to rest till the dentist appointment tomorrow. A few people are going to extra effort to get this done for her in a timely manner. I have been begging her to take it easy and save what strength she has to be able to make the appointment without passing out. She almost passed out yesterday getting the X-rays done and if she does that during the dentist appointment, they won't pull the tooth/teeth that are bothering her and she will continue to have infections from time to time that will keep her down. And she is going to torture me for it if she does make it. If she doesn't, I think I've had too much. I don't even know if I can leave her but I can't just keep on fighting uphill with her not even willing to cooperate long enough to get some needed care. I had to threaten leaving her if she doesn't behave and take it easy till at least after this dentist appointment. The only sure way for me to leave is to sell the house and make her find somewhere to go to. She could go to whatever family would have her or a nursing home. I just can't keep going like this. Later.

New Day

Its a new day and maybe a better one. I hope so. I was dying yesterday from pain. The day before, Cathy had been overdoing things and passed out in the living room chair. I had to carry her to bed and get her laid down. My back was hurting so bad yesterday, I was short tempered. I don't remember any times when the tears would run. Maybe pain and anger are the cure for my depression. If it is, I hope I can find a better one, or at least a better way to get it under control. I just don't know what to do. I need to have some normal days without any tears or anger, and relativly low amounts of pain. It would also be nice if the noise would go away but that ain't gonna happen. It suks.  What the hell can I do? Between all my problems and Cathy pileing more and more on top of them, I just don't know. I will be here as long as Cathy needs me, but, when she is gone, will I find another reason good enough to put up with this hellish existance?  The only hope I can see is moving somewhere where they have made allowances for MMJ. The only decent time I have is a short time before bedtime. I smoke a little cannabis so I can get some sleep and I actualy feel OK for a little while. If it  weren't so expensive, it also helps during the daytime but I can just barely afford enough to help me sleep some at night. It doesn't do enough to stop the rages when they pop up or the tears when they come crashing in, but I could feel OK most of the time. If I could afford it.  Hell I have to find something that will work now. I can't wait till Cathy dies. I don't want her to die. I would like to be OK while she is still here and be nice to her and spend time being happy with her. If she would get stronger and learn to behave, and I could somehow get a decent sized travel trailer and truck to pull it with, then sell this place for enough to get a small lot to live on in southern California. But pigs don't fly either. Later.

Days end

  Well, she's done it again. She won't be held back and now she has exausted herself. She can't be roused without extreme shaking and then just barely responds. She doesn't want to be taken back to the hospital if things get worse. She was cleaning the kitchen and wouldn't stop till she just wore herself out. I finaly convinced her to set down and rest and shortly after that, she lost conciuosness. I had to pick her up and carry her to bed and she just kept saying she was sorry. The only thing she has done that she shouldn't have was to put herself at risk for this to happen. Nothing to be sorry for but thats the girl I married. More worried about me than herself. I know she doesn't realize that she is so suceptable to give up her life by just over doing things. I keep telling her that shes killing herself if she doesn't rest but she doesn't.  God, this has been a terrible day. I have barely been able to keep myself from lashing out. I have started a few times and caught things before they got too far and was able to walk away till I could speak rationaly and calmly to her. She wasn't doing anything but trying to help me clean this piece of crap house. Can't

New day

We'll try tis again. Yesterday was a serious "Paint It Black" day. Today doesn't seem to be any better so far. Nothing is good. Can't/won't take enough Xanax to get this under control because it won't do any good and all I would be able to do would be to lay down and stare at the ceiling or sleep a sleep that doesn't do any good. I can't incapasitate myself because Cathy needs me to be able to function to be able to help her. Don't know why things are going to shit lately. Can't think of any cause for the downturn. Wish it would go away. The noise feels defening and loud, hard hitting music like Paint It Black can get through but doesn't help me get things under control. Jonny Be Good is a little lighter mood and hard hitting without the dark mood overtones but just doesn't work when the tears and rage force their way up. Especialy when they are near constant for days at a time. I don't know which is worse, the depression or the rage. And its terrible when they come together. I feel like doing a "TAZ" dance sometimes. You know, when the cartoon Tazmanian Devil starts just spinning around and bouncing of everything in sight, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Is that strange? 
  And Poor Cathy has to suffer way more than necessary because of me. And that makes the tears flow even worse when I can back away and realize what I'm doing to her. No one should have to try to live under the circumstances she has to put up with. I'm the only person that cares enough about her to stay for the long haul but I'm not good for her state of mind. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay with me. This is OK with me because I love her and want her to have some chance to be where ever she feels happyest, best, most comfortable. I just wish I didn't have so many problems that cause her pain and fear. gotta go

Monday

It suks!!!!!!!

I'm coping

Just barely but I am coping with everything. The noise is the worst thing right now.I washed a load of clothes and changed the sheets for Cathy. I need to shave pretty bad, and a shower probably wouldn't hurt either. I don't think I have any odor besides deoderant because I wash off in the sink fairly often and a complete shower if I get dirty or sweaty. I don't do a lot. It hurts to just exist so physical activity is something I avoid as much as possible. I didn't used to. Before I had to start helping Cathy with everything, I would do what work I could do. I used rebuild cars from the auctions and resale them. But that was when Cathy took care of me. Now, I have to take care of me, Cathy, and the house as much as I'm able. Cathy gets most of the effort. She seems to be getting stronger for the time being and while that is great, it causes problems for me. She wants to mess around with everything in the house as well as stand up and cook and wash the dishes and do laundry and clean the floors. She's probably tired of eating frozen dinners from throw away trays. What she mostly does is plunder through what is left in the back room. Up untill recently, that room was so full of trash and even broken glass on the floor and I wouldn't let her even go beyond the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Anyway, she isn't going to behave and I have to keep up with her. She is at risk two ways when she gets like this. First is that if she uses up too much of what little life energy (best term I could figure  out) her heart rate can get to low to keep her alive. Recently, her heart rate is fairly normal and her blood pressure is normal. For most of the last year though, her heart rate was in the 40s and low 50s. Sometimes so low that I couldn't even raise the head of her bed to feed her without her getting light headed and I would have to lower her head down closer to the level of her heart so it wouldn't take as much effort to get blood to her brain. And she used to need a high output of oxygen. And secondly, she is at great risk of falling and hurting herself. It was a broke leg that was either a catalist or transition point in her neurological disorder that got us to this point. Actualy, I was more capable of doing things before she got down. I made my back somewhat worse by having to carry her up and down stairs and lifting her in and out of the bath tub. Not having insurance, it took a while to get a wheel chair and a lot longer to get a chair for her bath that will lower and raise her back up. Twice, when trying to get her out of the bathtub, my back gave out with a sharp pain and I collapsed with her in my arms/ Even then, I proteced her head from impacting the tub. I even thought about calling the rescue people to come help us the second time but I got stong enough after a while and figured out way that wasn't too painfull for Cathy and not as much pressure on my back. If things hadn't been so serious, it probably would have looked comical to anyone looking as us two getting her in and out of the tub. Thank god for that bath chair.
  She's calling me again so I should go help her to the bathroom. Later.

Here we go again

  Another sleepless morning. I've been trying to go back to sleep for a couple of hours now without any luck.Smoking, playing my music and playing fast solitaire hasn't helped. Helped Cathy use the bathroom and put her back to bed. Gave her some medications. I'll probably have to lay down with her to get her back to sleep. Was going to give up and strt my day but I'm gonna lay down with Cathy to give her some comfort and maybe she'll get some more sleep this morning. At least one of us can get a little more sleep on a Sunday morning. Later.

What can I say?

Nothing new today. Some problems with pain, depression, and the screaming noise in my head. Whats a person to do? I'm coping the best I can. Im trying to spend some time with Cathy just having conversation but thats hard. She doesn't know much and I don't want to hear her make shit up, or let her imagination tell her things are a certain way when they aren't. We both give up after a short time but I think its a good thing to at least try.I'm having a little trouble concentrating but I'm slacking off the Xanax afterd they left. Now if Cathy will just not bring them up anymore, I can get beyond their time in my house.
  Well, like I said, same ol same ol. Later.

Morning already

  Well, here it is, another Saturday and we're both still here. Sometimes, I wonder why Cathy puts up with me. And why I put up with her. Why does my life have to have so much misery in it. Cathy's and my own. Cathy is having as hard a time with crying the last couple of days as me. I hate for her to cry. It just melts my heart. She is so fragile but so determined. I've known grown men with twice her bulk that would just fold up and wish for they're lives to be over if they had to live with half her problems and misery. She has one tough spirit. I hope she knows how much I do love her. I try not to let my problems make her life worse than it has to be but I'm not to good at it. As big a problem as she is, some of it is because she wants to help out with the house work and laundry. I'm not sure if thats because she wants to help me or she just gets disgusted with the house being so messy. I used to think of her as my little elf. Like the ones in the kids story about the shoemaker that would wake up to find all his work caught up for him by elves. I never had to worry about things getting to bad because she would always clean and wash clothes at night. She has never been a "spotless housekeeper" but she kept things form getting too bad. I'm not even a decent house keeper. Even if I weren't in such pain all the time, I wouldn't want to do housework. I especially hate washing dishes now days. It seems like there isn't a counter and sink in existance that is the correct height to was the dishes without me having to bend over a little and that just kills my back.
  Well, the daylight is here and there will be no more sleep for me today so I guess I'll start on feeding the dogs and then me. Later.

It's about time

  Well, they're gone. Hasn't made a lot of difference in quality of life but at least that's one burden that's no longer a factor. I don't know what happened but its been rough going for the past couple of days. I have had to stay on the Xanax or else I just start crying for no reason. Sure I normally feel bad and depressed but the tricks I use to help cope just aren't working. They have never been 100% effective but they help most of the time. My music helps to distract me from depressing thoughts and the screaming in my head most of the time but not much help for the last couple of days. Playing fast solitaire on the computer will help sometimes too by getting my mind distracted and in conjunction with my music is the best I have. Or it was till I started taking the Xanax. And that's not 100% effective either. I still feel depressed but the crying has almost stopped since I started taking it 4 times a day. Just 2 days so far and it doesn't do much for sleeping. Neither does smoking for the last couple of days. The Xanax makes me feel as bad when I wake up as when I went to sleep. The cannabis just isn't doing as good a job as it normally does, even with the night time Xanax to help. I sleep about 3 1/2 to 4 hours and wake up and after over an hour of playing solitaire and a smoke, I just toss and turn when I try to go back to sleep. It doesn't take long after laying back down for all the things I like to avoid thinking about come crashing back in. Then I have to get up and find something to get my mind clear of thoughts while I take another Xanax and wait for it to start working. I'm not a whiner most of the time but I'm kinda sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. It seems like sometimes it just starts piling up on me and then another load piles on and then another after that and so on and so on. Pore Ol Cathy is having a hard time too. I'm obviously not on my best behaviour and my tolerance levels are very low at the moment. That woman has suffered for choosing to marry me. I don't believe she would have found anyone with the loyalty and compassion for her that I have but it wouldn't take much to make up for my short temper. There actually was a time when we were happy and had fun together. She's changed and so have I. My world is getting smaller and more difficult to deal with and hers is god knows where. One day she needs me and knows it and the next, she acts like she wants to be without me. She has started lying about me to her brother and his girl friend. I walked up on them when she wasn't paying attention and heard her telling them that I abuse her and she was ready, or something like that, to go to a nursing home. I wish there were a place for her to go where she would thrive. I don't consider putting her in a nursing home because I don't believe she will get enough personal attention to sustain her will to keep going and she has begged me more than a couple of times to not let anyone put her in a nursing home. But I don't know how long I can keep this life of sacrifice going. Hell, I need someone to help me out and take care of me and here I am just suffering on my own while at the same time, sacrificing everything in my life to make her feel like her life is worth the effort to keep going. And I ain't too good at that. It would be a little easier if she wasn't so dumb but she is and doesn't think she is dumb. I just can't impress upon her that if she breaks something again, she will be going to a nursing home. I just cannot physically do what I had been doing for her the last couple of years. She has finished breaking me down. She has gotten a little of her strength back and wants to keep getting up and going here and there in the house and I just can't keep up with her. She is going to hurt herself again and that will be the end of us. I don't know what to do. Later

Agrivation from all directions

  Well, to start off with, I have been scammed again. Its just half truths used to deceive me trying to get things to go their way. They have a bus ticket but not from the trucking company that he has been leading me to believe it was. Some organization supplied them the ticket and they could have gotten this ticket a lot earlier than today and been out of my house. The tickets are to Jackson instead of Mobile where they could have gone to long before now. I'm still being nice. They are leaving today one way or the other though.
  The other aggravation is from the psych evaluation I had earlier. The girl that did the evaluation called to "nudge" me into keeping on with their process. I will see if I can make the logistics of making ANOTHER doctors appointment and having someone set with Cathy worked out. I recon if she cared enough to keep after me, I can care enough to try at least. I don't see how they can help with the conditions they have for providing any help. I have to be free from any drugs that aren't on a government approved list and that is gonna be tough. I have a lot of damage to my body that causes me a lot of pain and I can't take the prescriptions they gave me when the problems occurred and they haven't made any miracle pain drugs since then. I also have problems with getting any sleep. The only thing I have that has any effect on my pain or my sleep problems without terrible side effect is Cannabis. And Cannabis, as everyone with half a brain knows, is the main reason for drug testing. You can take Heroin, Cocaine, and almost any other drug and show clean within 8 to 24 hours. But Cannabis can show up for as long as a month after you last used it. Ole Hillary Clinton was right when she stated to the world, "there is just too much money involved to legalise Cannabis." The thing she didn't say was that there is more money on the pharacutical, alcohol, prison guards, prison building, police overtime, lawyers and other court personal, and the phony "addiction specialist" industries, just to name a few that would lose a lot of income and job security if Cannabis were ever to be treated fairly. If I were make king, I would force every jackass that prospered from prohibition and made any effort to keep it in place to dig ditches and clear right away for roads and empty garbage cans for minimum wage till they had paid back every dime they earned or profited from destroying people's lives with their prohibition laws.
  Later.

not working this morning

My tricks aren't working this morning. I recon a few days of relative calm were too much for whatever it is that deems it necessary for me to have a tortured life. I have smoked and been playing solitaire for a while now and no help getting things to go away. Even the music can't seem to penetrate the noise this morning. It's difficult for me to even put a whole sentence together. I am having a lot of trouble paying attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time. God I wish this noise would go away.

Don't know

  Today doesn't officially suk, yet. i think Cathy's  brother and girlfriend will soon be gone. He's at least going through the motions as far as I can see. I won't stoop so low as to listen in on his phone calls to get verification that hes telling the truth, even though he has scammed us before just to have a place to lay up at. They came to visit one time for the weekend and I had to make them leave after almost two weeks. More like about 10 days but it seems like it was a month. But I have been treating them with dignity and hoping they get the idea because they know trying to scam me won't get them anything.
  I'm listening to Willie right now. Not a real country fan but a big fan of Willie's. His music helps keep things flowing peacefully along.
  Cathy is being a pain but  she at least is listening to me when I beg her to let me be if she doesn't really need anything. She forgets after a few minutes but she is being a little more reasonable than a lot of the time. She's been having episodes of depression more than normal today also. Gotta be real careful how I react with her today. I been having to take the Xanax a lot the last couple of days and feel kinda "pent up" if that makes any sense.
  I'm pretty sure they are leaving soon. He's trying to get me to find some way to pay him to finish work that I've already paid him to do. I will find some way to do it myself before I'll try to figure out a way to pay him again. Either just put it off or  wait till I'm having a great day, for me, and do it myself. Theres just putting the plug wires on and the dash panels to replace left. He did cut the grass which was a more imeadiate chore that really needed doing so I've at least bought myself some time. Thanks to Willie for helping me settle down. I kinda got upset when he suggested I pay him for finishing what he started. Cathy is having a miserable day and I just had to bite down on my tongue and get away from him to keep from making her world worse. I'm not real good at making her happy but I can do my best to keep from adding any more misery to her life. Sometimes my best ain't very good. I hate when I  lose control  of myself and forget what she means to me. Emotionally, I'm all over the place from can't imagine living without her to can't wait till she's gone. In my mind, I know she means more to me than anything else in this world. Almost every night, we are holding hands at some point between laying down and dropping off to sleep. In fact, she is the only person on this earth that I'm comfortable touching me. I never grew out of that " don't touch me" thing. I even cut my own hair so I won't have anyone messing with me. I have a set of clippers and a 1/2 inch guide and just whack it all off. I would rather have it grow long but its a lot easier to just cut it off short a couple times a year. I'm not the most well kept person in the neighborhood. That counselor at the clinic kinda surprised me by telling me that I looked "scruffy", and I thought I was dressed up. Well, for me, I was dressed up. And I always take a shower and shave the night before I have to go anywhere and deal with people. Normally, most of the time, I'll just wash off in the sink. I think it may have something to do with me being a little claustrophobic. Every time I move to a different place, I always envision a large shower area with a bench seat and plenty of room with a large mirror set up in it and a light over head but close to the wall with the mirror. Later.

The end is in sight

  Well, if he's not lying, Cathy's brother will be gone tomorrow. I hope he's figured out that I don't go for his bull shit. I have made them leave once when they were just visiting when Cathy wasn't expected to make it and I made them leave one time when they were "just visiting for the weekend" after about 10 days if I remember right. I can say, truthfully, that I have been nice and treated them with dignity. I don't believe in treating someone like they aren't worth anything or taking advantage of someone that is down on their luck at the moment. Like that inverter I bought from him the other day. I paid him $20 for it and showed him where Walmart sells the same thing for $19 brand new. I won't overpay for anything any more but I will still try to be fair when dealing with anyone that I'm willing to have any dealings with. Being disappointed by people, and family are worse than most anybody else, miss-representing things or out-right trying to rip me off, I may be a little prejudgest. I don't k now why I'm so against having people staying in my home. I wasn't even comfortable when my youngest son and his girlfriend/wife were living with us. They got married while they were living with us in Mississippi. They lived there pretty much as if they thought they were in a motel. We charged them no room and board or rent or anything. Neither would help out more than a rare ocasion when I had to ask for some help for Cathy.  Anyway, they're divorced now and he still doesn't even call us except on special occasions. We don't hear from him for months at a time. And while Ifeel slighted by him, I never act like it. It may just be that he is like me and just doesn't have much to say. I am always glad to see him or hear from him. Well, almost always anyway. When Cathy does leave me, I'm gonna pack it all in and find a totaly different life. May not be a lot different than this one but I think I'll be OK. I think thats why I'm still collecting parts and pieces to make a life on the road. Just keep moving till I find somewhere that suits me. Cathy's wanting me to come lay down and maybe she'll shut up and go to sleep. Later.

Early morning is so nice

  Well its a nice morning so far. It takes having other people in my house to remind me how much a treasure Cathy is. Her brother and his girl friend are carefull not to irritate me but just having them in my home makes me uncomfortable. Maybe uncomfortable is not as intense as the feelings I have when other people are in my home. Anyway, I hope their visit will end soon. Poor, sweet, Cathy is enjoying their company but I believe that I am more important to her well being than having someone to talk to so no matter what, they can't stay.
  Can't let them bother me just now. I need the relative peace this time of the day. Just me and my music. And some breakfast once I get beyound this being peacefull. This noise in my head will never let me be at peace for very long. My music helps stretch that time out a little but sooner or later, the rest of the world is gonna come crashing in. I almost hate interupting my peacefull morning with having to "think" enough to write in this blog but I feel the need to show that I'm not wacked out all the time. And here comes the rest of the world. Well, not all of it, just one of the neighborhood idiots with their cars "boom box" stereo vibrating the entire area for blocks around with their bass turned up too loud. People like that make me want to get some of those cucaracha air horns and follow them around for awhile and blast that out on them till they get as sick of it as I am of them vibrating my insides with their crap.
  Well, it lasted almost a whole hour and a half. I recon I should go take a xanax before anyone or anything else crashes in on me but I hate those things. I recon their better that my short temper but I just don't feel like its me. Or that it is me but I can't get things to work normaly as me. And it's not like they make me feel any better, they just calm me down enough to let me keep a little better control of myself .   
  Well its gone now and i'm gonna go cook breakfast. later

Escape?

I am in a quandary right now. (had to look that one up) I have been working towards life after Cathy without realizing it. I have 4 or 5 small business setups that can be worked alone or with a partner, I originally started these preparations when I was expecting me and Cathy to run around to different flea markets and small town festivals just needing to make expenses to keep going but capable of making good money with the right situation. While I know she will never be able to do any of this with me, I continue to make small preparations as an opportunity arises. One part, well more than one part, needs/can benefit from having a portable power supply. I just picked up an inverter the run equipment off a battery but have absolutely no plans that it would be of use in except the mobile vendor plans we had started a couple of years ago. We started planning with just a photo T-shirt business but added vinyl signs and then rhinestone decals and rhinestone designs on shirts and light jackets or really whatever someone wanted to make personal instead of just of the shelf clothes. This has been a pet peeve of mine since I bought a shirt at Walmart that I really liked but a few weeks later, I saw that same shirt on another person at the same time as I was wearing mine going into the same Walmart. And he didn't make the shirt look flattering and vice-versa. Anyway, it was easy for me to want to make things special. And I made some beautiful designs in rhinestones for Cathy that she seldom wears. I haven't figured out a design that i want to make a decal out of to put on the van but I have the materials, equipment and knowledge to make rhinestone decals for any smooth surface. I also have a green screen/chroma-key photo set-up for portraits and a set of graphics programs where I can make fake magazine covers with the people inserted into the design and can customize it and print it out on the spot. And the printer I use is a very good printer, not some $35 throw away piece of crap. It's an Epson stylus Photo 1400 that will print oversize when needed. Anyway, it struck me that I'm planning on Cathy dying and me moving on with my own life. This revelation is important to me because it creates doubt about the real reasons I am so short tempered. Not only with Cathy, but everything that comes up. Am I so  tired of living with Cathy that deep down, I want the change to go ahead and come? Do I secretly want Cathy to die? i can't. Thats just all there is to it. gotta go.

Here we go

Sunday morning and Cathy feels bad and is mad because I gave her brother $5 in change out of her purse to get cigarettes. I can't say much to her. We are broke and doing without things already ourselves. But she doesn't have to just keep on and on and on about it though. She is going to make a bad situation worse if she keeps it up. Maybe it is time for both of us to move on. Impossible. Cathy has no thoughts of doing anything herself besides stating" I want to go home to mama". Her mother has been dead for many years. And I can't do anything to cause harm to her. And I'm a coward when it comes to such a permanent solution. So I will suffer. And Cathy will suffer. And Cathy will make sure I will suffer. This suks. Later.

This suks

  Just about the worst thing that can happen without someone getting hurt or dying has come to pass. Cathys younger brother wound up without a place to stay in my area. I can't just put my foot down and say no because of Cathy. He's her little brother and she is blind to all his crap. He is as bad as my mothers other surviving child. They both are liars and want someone else to take care of them. And they ain't above ripping me off. I hate having people in my house at all and its way worse having anyone I can't and don't trust in my home. And his girl friend is just as bad. Cathy was in bed and almost dead when she, the girl friend, decides to take a big swig of the liquid morphine that was keeping Cathy's pain under control after she came home from the hospital this last time. And we can't afford them either. Cathy has already given him money for cigarettes and we can't afford to feed them either. But Cathy can't see that. I am going to give them a few days for him to find a truck driving job. That is the way they choose to live and they are welcome to it. They could do well if they would just act responsably with their money. They will see something in a truck stop and buy it for twice the price and then go park in a Walmart parking lot where if they would pay attention, they could get just about everything they could want or need and save a lot of money. they had a dog they would feed nothing but hamburgers, and not the cheep ones either.
  Well, at least I've gotten a little better control over my temper right now. But Cathy is trying to change that. This has been a long day. I need Cathy to go to bed. I need me to go to bed and go to sleep. That is the only way I can be without pain and not have the sirens screaming in my head is to be unconsious. And i don't sleep well, even when I have some help. Gotta get to work on getting Cathy to go to bed.

Two days down the road

  Yesterday wasn't a good day. I tend to over react when people with their systems that are supposed to help people turn out to be more for the people running them and the people funding them than the people they are there to help. Its one more way of saying, " Look what we are doing to help you." but keep the people that need the services the most away there-by making sure they don't have to spend the money on the poor but can build baseball stadiums in Mississippi and ice hocky stadiuns in Florida. All the things that attrack people with money while telling the poor powerless peoplehalf truths and lies about how they're doing so much for them. All they are doing is keeping them poor and using the prision- industrial system to keep them in line and prevent their voice from being counted at voting time so the people that need some change most from upsetting their little cart of goodies that only they and their chosen circles get access to. They cut funding for education, knowing full well that an educated public isn't as likely to follow their rhetoric and believe their half truths and lies as one that doesn't have a good education. The education given our children in the public school system is almost worthless. My son graduated on the honor roll from highschool and doesn't posess the knowledge that I learned just on the edge of what was acceptable at the junior high level when I went to school. I got a better education with failing grades three years behind the grade level of where my son graduated with honors. And its not because he is lacking in inteligence either. He's just as smart as I am. Maybe a little smarter since he had the good sense to work where the physical load isn't one that will break you down before your time. But he doesn't have the problems with anger and social skills that I do so it seems to be a lot easier for him to fit in and prosper within the "normal" world. I'm glad for him. I just wish I could have done a better job of  raising him and thers no telling where he could have gone. He had scholarships available after he graduated HS but wouldn't take advantage of them.
  Sometimes, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. Cathy is so needy, and persistant enough that she won't be ignored when she wants something. She does what I call "loud talking". She'll sit in her bed just going on and on about whatever it is she wants or wants to do and makes sure the phrases like "it wouldn't hurt you to ?" are loud enough for me to hear in the next room. If i ignore her long enough, she'll struggle and get herself up enough to get to the bedroom door and see where I am and what am I doing. She puts herself at risk of falling and hurting herself when doing that so I don't ignore her unless I'm in a state of mind where it's either best I don't respond to her or sometimes, I just can't. Hell, sometimes I have to just beg her to let me be. She needs someone that has a better grip on themselves to take care of her but I'm all she has when it comes down to it. Gotta go.

Why Bother

Well, I don't know what to do. The system here is one of "my way or the highway". They probably can't do anything to help me but I have to quit doing anything that is not acceptable to them before they will even tell me that they can't do anything for me. Meaning, I have to lose the only sleep aid that works without unacceptable side effect and the same thing for the pain. And then, the first appointment date available is an unknown date that is at least two months away at the earliest. And Cathy is gonna be Cathy. I can't really fault her with wanting me to talk with her and help her do things. Other than loving each other, we have nothing in common. She likes to gossip and will exagerate so much as to just tell an absolute lie. I don't want to hear gossip. I can't stand a lier. Anything I try to talk to her about, she either can't comprehend what  I'm trying to get across or she just doesn't want to hear. The little projects she likes to work on, she isn't capable of doing without help and I help as often as I can but I can't concentrate or keep from getting frustrated and not able to help near as much as she would like. I don't know what to do. If I abandon Cathy, she won't live long and will be miserable for whatever life she has left. But my life is becoming unbearable and she is part of the problem. And even if I just got off by myself, there is no path I can think of that will let me live without being miserable for the rest of my life. I can't see any help that will actually help without doing more harm than good. Sometimes I do think it would be better to just quit and jump off this world. Good thing I'm a coward about some things I guess. I should have already been out west where there are enough people with a little sense about cannabis that I might be able to get a little help. I have given in to Cathy till we have next to nothing left. And Cathy would have difficulties trying to make such a trip safely. And we wouldn't have anywhere to live at least for a while which would make things hard on Cathy. And we probably can't get enough out of this place to get even a modest trailer on its own lot. And Cathy would have to part with a lot of her junk. So I'll wait till she dies. I can still live out of the van long enough to find a cheap place and I can get by in a cheaper place that I would need if I were to have to make it suitable for me and Cathy. But I don't want her to die. But I am going to be miserable as long as I hever to care for her. But I don't want her to die and leave me alone. and I don't know of any situation where I would/could find someone to join me in living the rest of my life. You know that old W.C.Fields joke, "I don't think I'ld care to join an originzation that would have me for a member."
  Saying things like that as often as I do, I wonder if I realy like myself.  maybe its enough to just be comfortable with who I am and not worry about the way circumstances within and around me force me to act. I do make great efforts to be nice to deserving people and even animals. I once enjoyed hunting and being out in the woods and all that but no one in my family wanted to eat the meat from squirels or deer and I can't see trophy hunting to kill something for anything other than to feed my family. Now, when I get hungry I can eat wild meat without a second thought if the need were to arrise but I also found out that I'm not supposed to own or carry a firearm. Even though I was only 17 when I got into serious trouble, I was tried and sentenced as an adult. And it was serious only to the police and prosecuting attourney, using and posessing drugs. They wouldn't even let me join the military after that. Even the Marines, who were the only ones that even tried to get me in couldn't get a waiver for me. Now, if I had shot and killed someone, I wouldn't have had any problems. I was pretty good at hiding things wrong with me then. I'm not as tough now as I used to be though. And things are a lot worse and much harder to hide now days.
  God this noise is persistant. I think if I could get it to go away and let me still be able to hear, I could have a chance at something close to a normal life. Is there really any such thing as a "normal life"? We used to live in a subdivision where "normal" people lived and they played with us as kids but we kinda went different paths as everyone grew up. I never was able to "fit in" like my brothers did. And my sister didn't really fit in either. If ti weren't for granny, she wouldn't have lived no where near as long as she did. I feel bad about not being a better brother to her sometimes. I generaly try to avoid thinking about such troubling thing as i don't deal with them well. Gotta go.

Just another day in paradise

Things are going relativly well. With a decent amount of sleep, and taking the edge off the pain, I can at least have a little while of feeling OK. Cathy gave me a reminder of why I am willing to do whatever it takes to take care of her. She woke up crying and asking for me. "Wheres Terry. Terry. Terry." I'm the one she depends on. I'm the one she trusts to take care of her and knows that I'm her mate, protector, and as concerned with her well being as much if not more than my own. She's the only sign that there is a god of some kind. She is dumber than dirt, but is always saying and doing some little thing at just the right time to let me know she does love me. She's not really that dumb, but she is slightly retarded in her development and has been regressing somewhat in the last few years. She seems to have a reset mechanism of some sort that triggers inside her brain and makes things alright for her. She can't always accept the truth and will just go about life as if there never was whatever the situation happens to be that doesn't fit into her world. Thats what I need, a reset button. Then I could lie to myself and believe everything was alright without any consequences when things got to shit. Just hit reset and everything is alright again. No muss, no fuss.  Sometimes, Cathy's doesn't reset quickly enough. It is generally me that causes her worst problems. Sometimes not. I hate it when it is me. She is such a gentle soul.
  Gotta go.

Not much hope.

Well, I got through the psych evaluation but just barely. I was thinking about leaving after an hour and a half of waiting but they finaly called me back before it got that far. The girl that did the evaluation seemed more concerned with procedures and regulations that a patient. Told me that she wants to set me up with psychiatric appointment but I will have to be "clean" or they won't help me. I don't smoke cannabis just because I like it, I need help with pain and sleep and the pharmacuticles they keep trying to shove down my throat either make me sick or stupid or have no noticable effect at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm no hypricrite so I'll admit that I would probably smoke it at least everyonce in a while because I do like the way it makes me feel. Maybe I wouldn't smoke it if I felt alright normaly, but I'm far from alright under any circumstances. I don't like feeling like a crook all the time because of cannabis but I hate the pain without relief and not sleeping as well as anxiety and all the other things that are in me. It doesn't do a lot to help the periods of rage though. The Xanax actualy does seem to help with the rages. I have snapped a few times since I started taking it but have been able to catch myself before I did anything more than just react. Like I will react but can catch myself and stop things from getting so far as for me to become so enraged that I need someone or something to intervene to keep me from hurting anyone. I'm the one that gets hurt for like over thirty years I think but it has had a lot of luck involved too. Meaning that I will beat on a wall or anything else besides people so far. And the brokens bones all belong to me. mostly just one hand is messed up from me getting angry but I believe I have fractured something in or next to my elbow one time when I messed up a door and the wall behind it. That was the last time I lost control by the way. As much as I hate the Xanax, it does seem to work somewhat. I had a near miss one time during winter when I had to find a heater late in the evening but I don't think I was taking any at that time. That may have been when I decided to not go out unless absolutly necessary without taking one ahead of time so it would be working before I ever leave the house. See how easily I get confused. and about an incident that was important enough to stick in my mind but not as clearly as I thought it was a few months ago. I can't even remember when I started taking the Xanax. Can't remember when the incident in the Walmart parking lot was either. Just that we had to have a heater which would mean it was winter, or at least cold.. Thats what I don't like about taking things like Xanax, even at such a low dose as 1/4 milligram. It just makes me stupid. I can't seem to follow through on a thought process, kinda like the typical stoner on TV.
  Later.

A long day

  Poor Cathy is wanting to talk to someone so bad, shes having a conversation with a recorder. I wish she had a friend. At least she isn't bothering me every five minutes. I finally got a shower tonight. I have a doctors appointment in the morning. I sure hope I'm not just wasting my time with all these doctors appointments. I'm pretty sure tomorrow is just an evaluation. I'm gonna be disappointed if I just learn that theres nothing I can do other than what I'm doing already to cope with things. My dad told me that he had an uncle with the same kinda noise and his got so bad, he had surgery to cut the nerve that carries signals from the ears. I don't think I could do that. One of the few pleasures i have in this world is music and I would miss it terribly if I were to allow someone to make me deaf. I don't think something like that would help either. I'm pretty sure that the noise makes my anxiety worse a lot of the time but i don't think its the root cause of it. Just don't know.
   I'll be glad when Cathy decides to go to bed. She finally found someone to talk to and don't show any sign of shutting up and going to sleep. I'll set the alarm clock to be safe but I'm always up way before it ever goes off. I'll have to remember to take a Xanax before I leave. Last time I  tried to go through a psych evaluation, I had to get up and walk out before it even got good and started.  I'm pretty sure that broad didn't want to be there when I went to see her. She shows up late and has two big dogs with her. Then as she unlocks the door and goes inside, she stops and turns around and locks the steel gate back and says she'll be with me in a few minutes. Sure, I figure shes gonna put the dogs up. No way. a few minutes later she comes and unlocks the gate and motions me to come on in and the dogs are still at her side. She starts off with something to the effect of " I hope you don't mid the dogs. They go everywhere with me". OK, I like dogs and these seem well behaved so we go into her office with the dogs checking me out for a few seconds. Still not to big a deal. She has a fan going underneath a table blowing air to nowhere. I try to explain about the problems I have with hearing and understanding her with a noise that close and would she mind turning it off. No way. First she starts off with it for privacy because it makes it hard for anyone to over hear our conversations. Theres no one else there but me and her. I point that fact out to her and she comes back would I like to reschedule the evaluation? No, I've made arraignments to be able to be there to do it so lets go ahead and do it. would she pleas turn of the fan so i would be able to understand her when she talks. No. She keeps it on for a distraction. i had to get up and walk out before I lost control. I just didn't know any way to handle it without telling her what I thought of her, and that might have gotten me locked up there in Mississippi. Think the "good ol boy' and family and friends getting preferential treatment and just pure outright corruption is a thing of the past? Go to Mississippi.and learn history that hasn't changed on decades. Teen agers in county vehicles at the Sonic on a Saturday night. People like the broad getting paid for doing a job and making every effort to avoid having to do it. Sometimes, I just don't see anyplace for me in this world as I get older and am not able to sustain my own existence without living amongst people. Well, I don't like where things are heading so I'm gonna quit. Later

Another early morning

Well, I've been here since between 3 and 4 but don't seem to be able to clear my mind by playing solitaire so far. If I don't make to get back to sleep soon, the daylight will make it much harder to do so. Not really a lot going on this morning. But that damn clock keeps on dinging away the hours. Aw, its not that big a deal. Just a reminder that daylight is coming. And this ain't helping me get back to sleep so later.

Well, not so bad

Here it is, 9:00, and everything is calm. Our nephew came by today for a short visit and that was enjoyable. His wife and children were with him. They have all changed in the last year and a half or so since we've seen them. I tried to take some pictures but couldn't figure out how to get the shutter control out of delay mode and the kids wouldn't stay still long enough for the camera to take the shot. I'll see if I got anything where we can see the kids later. I did look up a users manual on the internet and downloaded it to get the timer problem cured. I had inadvertently pushed a button that I didn't notice it when it happened. All in all, I'd say today was kinda boring after a few morning flare ups. but  that is good right now. Boring is calm. We went  to Walmart for some groceries and I just knew Cathy was gonna rag me about wanting some plants but I let her be by herself in the craft isle while I went and picked out the groceries. Canned tuna fish, sandwich stuff and frozen heat-em up dinners and sausage with biscuits. Don't forget the eggs. My best dish that doesn't go in the microwave with instructions. I am aware there are devices for cooking eggs in the microwave but I think frying them is better.  The pan is teflon coated and I don't have to wash it every time I use it. I just wipe it out real good while its still hot with a paper towel. I do wash the dishes when ever they get a pile of them but we mostly use styrofoam plates and plastic spoons. The frozen dinners have their own plate/tray to eat out of so that chore doesn't cause too much of a problem. I had things where I could do a better job at the place in Mississippi. This place is just a mess. the kitchen was remodeled by a drunk about 20  years ago and never finished. The counter top sets loosely on an assortment of jury rigged cabinet frame that has no front and a stand alone cabinet from the 40s or 50 holding up the very end of it. And the drain just runs out on the ground so I have to wipe the the scraps and bits of food off or out of anything I wash to keep from making a big mess outside. Its just a lot easier to not use things that need washing too much. well, boring means nothing much happened to talk about and I don't want to dig into anything problematic for me so I'm gonna have a little smoke, play some solitaire and go to bed whenever I can talk Cathy into it.          Good night.

Short time

Well, that didn't last long. Maybe 3 hours? I don't know how two people as different as me and Cathy ever lived together for over 35 years and didn't wind up killing each other. Does she just exist to destroy any sign of joy in my world? Sometimes, I just don't know. I married Cathy in a short amount of time after we met and, even though we aren't very compatable, we are still together and still together after all these years. although, that might not have come to pass if she were capable of taking care of herself. Sometimes, I wonder weather or not I love her at all or do I just feel sorry for her. Naw, I love her and will ? I don't know what I'll do when shes not with me any more. I know that it will be a relief to not have that pressure but I won't have her any more.
  This time, I'm gonna try to not run away when things get touchy for me but follow through with trying to think things out.
  Can't do it.

A good nights sleep

It feels so good to get some sleep. I didn't wake up for a little over four hours. And I'm gonna get a short nap in a little while. God it feels good not to be so tired. And I didn't notice but it wasn't pain that made me get up. My hips and back are just noticeable as I sit here typing. Cathy woke up as I was getting up to go to the bathroom and I had to help her to her potty chair and I was actually  able to be nice and supportive. And I knew it couldn't last.  She wanted a fruit cup just now instead of going back to sleep and I was happy to get it for her and open it and get her set up in bed and ready to eat it. I had to pull her up and pulled my back out again.  For some reason, she always winds up with her feet against the foot of the bed and has to be pulled up to eat or mess with her stuff or whatever reason she might have to need or want to set upright. So now my back is hurting again but I'm still being nice. Even while she sets there bitching and going on about this one or that one dragging up things that are a year past and nothing but grief comes from dredging up about who stole money from her purse when she was staying at her brothers in Mississippi last year. I wish she would just let go of things like that. I also wish she would leave me alone every once in a while. She ain't quit since she finished that fruit cup. But, I will not let her spoil a few moments or actually feeling nice in spite of the pain in my back now. I turned her music  on but lowered the volume some and she isn't running off mouth so much now. Whups, spoke too soon. There she's going at it again. But its alright. Well, at least for now, I'm gonna just ignore it and do my thing so I can get a little nap so I won't get tired to early later today. And it feels good to sleep for the pure pleasure of it and not just to be unconscious so I won't feel any pain. And Cathys getting a little quieter instead of talking just loud enough to make sure I here enough of what shes saying to be affected by it. She'll soon be asleep herself I believe. And I'm not going to get angry. God she needs someone better at this compassion shit than me. I know shes not just trying to get me started but she does a good job of it without even trying. I recon she just wants to take advantage of any time where I'm not ready to bite her head off to get me to do some of the little things I get so tired of doing over and over and over and over again. Like threading a needle for her to string those beads. I told her she need to just put that stuff down and go back to sleep because thats all I am going to do is go back to sleep. Dam, she is relentless. And here comes the day light. there goes my nap. Between her mouth and the time creeping on till daylight, I'm not gonna be able to have my nap just for the pleasure of it. That suks.  I recon I'll go ahead and put the dogs out and feed them. And they just want to mess with me. Not go outside and play or eat or use the bathroom, they want me to play with them. And Cathy wants another dog. And some more plants.
  O well, life goes on. At least I had a decent nights sleep and actually felt good for a little while. And still don't feel bad enough to let it make me ill. even if Cathy keeps her shit going, I'm gonna have a good day. At least compared to most of the last few weeks. Later.

good day and bad

  Well, the deal I was working on worked out on both ends so I feel a might better, and no where as much pain. I have to ration things so I make it last as long as possible. But Cathy has been a problem all day. She has spent the whole day in bed and is kinda week. she has also been very needy today, and not always willing to be nice. I try to be understanding with her but, even at my best, I'm no good at it. My best is to just try to be quietly helpful.  Make sure if she needs anything, she has it, and that ain't easy. I don't know why but she'll tell me all the things she doesn't want and I still have to ask her what she does want. Sometimes she just wants me to listen to her gripe it seems like. I try but its never enough. Like taking her to the flea market. I walk her through the entire thing, buy her shoes for a doll I despise and even a wooden jewelry box for her junk. She's still mad today that I wouldn't buy her any plants. I bought some tomato plants to put in planters on the porch, but she wants something different and don't know even what she wants. And I'm the one that has to take care of anything she gets. And she's still trying to find something to bitch about. She just asked me if I need the living room light on and its not even on. God, I don't want her to die but, I need her to get better. She started that shit  about wanting to go home to her Mama and Daddy (they're both dead by the way) but its all just to make me feel bad about something or another. I told her all she had to do was quit eating like she did when she came out of the hospital, but she didn't even slow down on her supper. I feel bad about it after I say things like that because she only has a child's mind and can't see what it does to me. Here I am working my butt off trying to make her life good enough to at least hang around and see if anything gets better but nothing I ever do is enough. And except for the problems I bring into her world, she ain't got it that bad. Not counting the fact that she's dying. But I'm always pushing her to not believe it and it been going on for over two years so far and she's still going strong, for someone in her shape. She can over do it just a little and she gets too week to even sit up sometimes for days. She'll sit up to eat and with me feeding her, she will just get too tired and wants to lay back down. That little heart of hers ain't very strong but it always keeps on beating. Sometimes as slow as 40 something beats a minute and way low blood pressure but it keeps on beating.
  Gotta go.

Five oclock and alls not well.

I have been paying for yesterdays trip to the flea market. My hips and ankle are killing me. I'm pretty sure 'm gonna sell that welder today. I have a little something lined up already if I do. It'd been a few weeks since I had something of my own and depending on friends to stop by just ain't good enough. I really don't have but two friends. And they ain't what I really call friends. They only come see me when they are bored or one of them will come by when he wants someone intelligent to talk to about his problems. Cathy has had a bad time the latter part of this night, or most of the morning depending on how you look at it. I haven't had a real friend around in over twenty years. I've only had two or three my entire life and one of them was my older brother. And he didn't treat me worth a shit till I finally got angry before I thought about him beating up on me most of my life. I reckon he just never had any respect for me till I showed him, and me, that I could actually hurt him if he jumped on me. We were working on a shopping center in the Ft. Walton area and he got mad about something and I was already mad because he had been riding me and we both seemed to blow up about the same time. We  were on top of the main store and started at it and jumped all the way down and kept at it till I just got ahold of him and started giving him back some of the grief and poundings he had given me all my life. Up to that point in time anyway. From then on, we were pretty close. More like partners and actually became very good connecting partners. Thats a pair of men that work well together while hanging the steel when there ain't nothing there till we put it there, with the help of ground crew and a crane, sometimes two cranes depending on what we were setting. We did a gymnasium once that had a clear span of something like 70 feet or more and were setting pre-stressed concrete roof panels and they took a crane on each end to lift and set in place. Doing things like that, you have to be good and know what each other is going to do. Our lives were always depending on each other when we were hanging steel, or concrete panels. We had a guy we liked working with us in Mississippi one time on a concrete architectural design piece made from concrete panels and the D-ring used to hook the panel for lifting  came loose and the panel fell on him and killed him instantly. It was the fabricators or more specifically, the piece embedded in the concrete that the bolt screws into to hold the D-ring that was at fault. But blame doesn't matter when your dead. That was the same company that we were working for that got Kenny killed. When I look back on things. Kenny was important to my stability all my life. when we were shipped off to this family or that one, we always went together. Robbie and Jennifer always had one place to go but me and Kenny just got sent to who ever would take us. Thats how I met my Dad for the first time in my memory. Mama had a boyfriend that didn't want any more kids than his own grown son and she made arrangements through Dad's mother to get us to him. Grandma was the only way he could be found because Mama used to keep draging him into court about child support every time she found out where he would run away to. Anyway, two times in my life, Kenny was taken away without me and both times, I went to shit. The first time, he went to jail for 5 years. I started doing drugs pretty good then. I wound up going to jail when shortly after I turned 17. In Florida, you go to big boys jail when you are over 16. I was the youngest person there till a few weeks before I got out. I wasn't at that place more than two weeks before I told them to stick it up their ass. I wasn't a slave and wasn't going out in the swamps and ditches doing road work for them. They had a place for people with an attitude problem. They stuck me in the hole and liked to starved me to death. I only got let out because I would pass out from just standing up in my cell. I had lost alomst half my body weught during those few weeks. And it was always dark except when the guards would bring the cups of baby food they would feed us. And they would bring what they called a doctor by I think it was twice a week. He's the one that made them let me out of the hole.  The guards had to help me walk I was so weak. After that episode, I became very fond of eating regular.
 Well, while this is a little distracting form my pain, but it doesn't make any of it go away so I need to get up and move around a little so I'm gonna make breakfast. Later.