Well, I should have kept this thing up a lot better but now it seems to be necessary for me to keep up a diary of sorts. I will try to document my life from now on to try to get a handle on things. I need to, maybe, be able to understand some of the things going on with me. I have a lot of problems and need to learn better how to cope with them.
My worst problem, as far as causing trouble for me and others as well, is my anger. It has caused me a lot of problems and needs to be gotten under control. Problem I have is, most of the drugs prescribed for me have side effects that make me more miserable and sick than I can deal with. I am so tired of taking pills and them making me sick and then the doctors say well you have to get used to it. Well, no I don't. I live in a world of pain, noise and anxiety mixed in with some anger and rage. I also suffer from depression so deep that tears will start running down my face at any moment during the day or night.
How do I cope? Barely. For the pain, I just avoid things that will make it worse if I can. When I have to do things to keep life moving, I just grit my teeth and jump in. Then I just suffer till things become bearable again. I can't take any of the normal pain medications without terrible side effects and I can deal with pain a lot better than being sick. Pain just makes me angry where sick makes me miserable. I do have one crutch that I use when available. That is cannabis. It is a poor substitute for relieving pain but it also makes what pain that it doesn't make go away bearable. It elevates my mood and I can say" well tomorrow is another day" and not dread having to face another day of misery. Don't get me wrong, it does reduce the amount of pain but I am normally in a great deal of pain. It also helps with the depression to some extent. It's most important benefit as far as safety is that it reduces my rage. I really have to watch getting angry because if I let things go, I can lose track of whats going on and do some great damage. Although I learned as a younger man to keep my hands off of other people, I haven't learned how to avoid the aggressive behaviour that comes with the rages. I haven't hit another human being in at least 30 years I think. Problem is I hit other things and sometimes I keep hitting them till something happens to change the situation, like pain becoming unbearable. I also have found myself becoming aware of my surroundings to find Cathy, my wife, in tears and frightened. of me. That hurts me longer and deeper than the fractured bones and cut up hands. She may not be the best human being on the earth, but she is my wife of over 35 years, the mother of my children, loyal to a fault, more concerned about me than herself, and just the sweetest thing I've ever had the fortune to know.
Back to coping. Another problem that I have is a loud screaming noise in my head. I've had it since I was old enough to remember. In fact, its one of the two earliest memories I have. Anytime it got quitet, I would hear a noise like the sound that an old tube type TV or radio would make when turned on and I was always looking to see who turned on the TV. The other one is kind of strange to make an impression on a small child but I was walkng down a neighborhood street with some adult, can't remember who, and a yard had cement blocks burried beside the pavement inside their yard. Kind of strange for something like that to be one of only two early memories i think. Anyway, I have never known a moments silence in my entire life. It may not be as big a deal as it is to me but it sure doesn't make things easy. Fortunatly, this is the easiest thing to deal with if I am left alone or only have one or two people around that don't need a lot of attention and don't make a lot of noise. I listen to music. Thank technology for MP3 players or I wouldn't be able to go out into the world hardly at all. Music that I know from my younger days and am comfortable with. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, I can find appropiate music. Everything from "Paint It Black" by the Stones to "Loving You" by Mini Riperton. There's just a lot of times I need people to let me be. Don't help. Don't talk. Don't hang around. Just let me be.
Anyway, back to the present. Today hasn't been to bad so far. I've been having big problems with my back for the past couple days. I had to work on the lawnmower Friday and was stupid enough to pick it up to set it on the garbage can to get at the blade to sharpen it. This is a cheap lawnmower that can't weigh 50 pounds. twenty years ago, I could have thrown that thing across the road and never given it a second thought as far as severe pain. Maybe a back ache overnight but I wouldn't have had to pay any attention to it the next day. Anyway, today is kinda normal if tolerable pain and noise are normal. But its only 1:00 so it can and probably will get worse. Cathy's becoming active and she can be a very needy person. We used to be kinda co-dependant and she took care of me and I kept the world at bay. Now I have to take care of everything. Oh well, duty calls.
Till next time.
Terry
My worst problem, as far as causing trouble for me and others as well, is my anger. It has caused me a lot of problems and needs to be gotten under control. Problem I have is, most of the drugs prescribed for me have side effects that make me more miserable and sick than I can deal with. I am so tired of taking pills and them making me sick and then the doctors say well you have to get used to it. Well, no I don't. I live in a world of pain, noise and anxiety mixed in with some anger and rage. I also suffer from depression so deep that tears will start running down my face at any moment during the day or night.
How do I cope? Barely. For the pain, I just avoid things that will make it worse if I can. When I have to do things to keep life moving, I just grit my teeth and jump in. Then I just suffer till things become bearable again. I can't take any of the normal pain medications without terrible side effects and I can deal with pain a lot better than being sick. Pain just makes me angry where sick makes me miserable. I do have one crutch that I use when available. That is cannabis. It is a poor substitute for relieving pain but it also makes what pain that it doesn't make go away bearable. It elevates my mood and I can say" well tomorrow is another day" and not dread having to face another day of misery. Don't get me wrong, it does reduce the amount of pain but I am normally in a great deal of pain. It also helps with the depression to some extent. It's most important benefit as far as safety is that it reduces my rage. I really have to watch getting angry because if I let things go, I can lose track of whats going on and do some great damage. Although I learned as a younger man to keep my hands off of other people, I haven't learned how to avoid the aggressive behaviour that comes with the rages. I haven't hit another human being in at least 30 years I think. Problem is I hit other things and sometimes I keep hitting them till something happens to change the situation, like pain becoming unbearable. I also have found myself becoming aware of my surroundings to find Cathy, my wife, in tears and frightened. of me. That hurts me longer and deeper than the fractured bones and cut up hands. She may not be the best human being on the earth, but she is my wife of over 35 years, the mother of my children, loyal to a fault, more concerned about me than herself, and just the sweetest thing I've ever had the fortune to know.
Back to coping. Another problem that I have is a loud screaming noise in my head. I've had it since I was old enough to remember. In fact, its one of the two earliest memories I have. Anytime it got quitet, I would hear a noise like the sound that an old tube type TV or radio would make when turned on and I was always looking to see who turned on the TV. The other one is kind of strange to make an impression on a small child but I was walkng down a neighborhood street with some adult, can't remember who, and a yard had cement blocks burried beside the pavement inside their yard. Kind of strange for something like that to be one of only two early memories i think. Anyway, I have never known a moments silence in my entire life. It may not be as big a deal as it is to me but it sure doesn't make things easy. Fortunatly, this is the easiest thing to deal with if I am left alone or only have one or two people around that don't need a lot of attention and don't make a lot of noise. I listen to music. Thank technology for MP3 players or I wouldn't be able to go out into the world hardly at all. Music that I know from my younger days and am comfortable with. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, I can find appropiate music. Everything from "Paint It Black" by the Stones to "Loving You" by Mini Riperton. There's just a lot of times I need people to let me be. Don't help. Don't talk. Don't hang around. Just let me be.
Anyway, back to the present. Today hasn't been to bad so far. I've been having big problems with my back for the past couple days. I had to work on the lawnmower Friday and was stupid enough to pick it up to set it on the garbage can to get at the blade to sharpen it. This is a cheap lawnmower that can't weigh 50 pounds. twenty years ago, I could have thrown that thing across the road and never given it a second thought as far as severe pain. Maybe a back ache overnight but I wouldn't have had to pay any attention to it the next day. Anyway, today is kinda normal if tolerable pain and noise are normal. But its only 1:00 so it can and probably will get worse. Cathy's becoming active and she can be a very needy person. We used to be kinda co-dependant and she took care of me and I kept the world at bay. Now I have to take care of everything. Oh well, duty calls.
Till next time.
Terry
P.S.
Here are a couple of pictures of my latest episode.
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