Night falls

Earlier this afternoon, Cathy asked me to lay down with her. that was a good thing. I dozed off for a little under an hour but I felt so much better afterwards. I hope Cathy will get up and eat something before it gets late. If she waits till late, it will mean that she won't be willing to go back to bed at a decent hour and that will mean I'll have to take another Xanax so I can slow my reaction times down and not get too angry when things get tough like they do every day of my life. If I could be in bed and asleep before 11:00 every night, I think we could avoid a lot of tension and some intense arguments sometimes too. I don't want to be touchy as time goes by every day and night but pain seems to build up as the day goes on and the more pain, the more I lose patience with her, and everything else too. God have mercy on the unsuspecting person that gets in my face with an attitude late in the afternoon or evening.  I have enough self awareness about myself to know not to go out late in the day to avoid episodes with other people that don't know how to be curtious and civil to others. Last time I went out after dark was back in December. Our biggest heater just suddenly quit working and I had to get it replaced or risk Cathy's health. For some reason that year, we couldn't get her flu shot last year because I failed to look into it in a timely manner. Whatever the cause, I had to get that heater replaced and right then. I went to Walmart where I bought it happy to just replace it to pay more to upgrade if there were no direct replacments available.  Needless to say, they were out of anything large enough to heat a single room. They give me a refund but it is on one of their gift cards and the only place to use them is at a Walmart. Meaning I was forced to do business at the time with no one else because I didn't have the money to replace the heater without using the refund on a gift card. Being late, I asked the twerp at the help dest to please call the other stores and see if either of them had any decent heaters left. One did and the other didn't but they would not pull one from the shelf to hold for me. So, in a big hurry, I get Cathy loaded back up in the van and put her wheel chair in the rear when this idiot broad pulls up about 6 feet from my van , blocking me in because she wants my parking spot. After her refusal to move when asked in a polite but stern request without any bad language or referal to her or her inteligence, I let her know how stupid she was and that she needed to move or we would both never get anywhere. Turns out, her little banty rooster of a boyfriend is within hearing range and comes up and starts up like he's actualy gonna do something about me talking to his "lady" like that. This guy is all of five foot tall and would have to carry bricks in his pocket to weigh a hundred pounds. I started towards him and I was gonna be violent at the least but this enormous cop steps in front of me and I recon a baged at eye level caught my attention. That was a blessing. He got things under control and helped with getting the dumb broad to move her car and helped me back out without hitting anything. Anyway, we got out of there and got a heater and made it home safe and without any further problems. If it hadn't been for that cop paying attention and being a good guy instead of a prick with a gun, I woulda been in serious trouble and Cathy would have been the biggest loser. I don't go out late unless its a dire emergency. I'm in pain and very short tempered and its too easy for me to lose control under those circumstances. Heck, its not a good idea for me to go out anytime but I have to get groceries and make doctors appointments. I take a Xanax and grab my MP3 player and keep my head down. Thats the only way I can leave the house without taking a big risk of getting into a situation where bad things could happen.
  Well, now its time for Cathy's medicine so she will have to wake up for a while weather she wants to or not. BRB
  Its not gonna be a good night. Thank god for Xanax. I hate taking something that has as bad a reputation as that but its the mildest dose it comes in and I don't take it unless I need it. Some times, that doesn't work out so well because it doesn't work as quickly as needed if not talen before its needed but I don't like taking things that make me stupid so I won't start any kind of regular schedule and just take it as needed. Cathy is something else. Its not her fault. Either that or she has the right for some slack when it comes to the way she acts. I don't know, but I can't leave or come down on her or anything. She is totaly without reason. One good thing is that her sister, Dorothy is basicly a good person and has a lot of forgivness and understanding for Cathy's situation and shes talking to her on the phone. Did I mention shes delusional. She has periods of dementia where she is totaly out of her mind. She has, at times, been screaming at people that don't exist to get out of her house and a few assorted episodes like that. And she just can't believe things like that aren't real making it very hard to deal with her. Especialy for someone like me. I just don't know how to deal with fantasies. Heck, all my life dreams for a future had to be based it the realm of actually becoming real and sustainable.
  Right now, I'm having a problem with Cathy's conversation with her sister. I need to just keep my mouth shut and let her rant. no matter what she says, she loves and needs me. I turned on my music. I hope she doesn't need me for a while cause she'll have to talk real loud for me to hear her. I'll listen to what happening with her between songs so its not real risky doing this. I don't know how I'ld take it if anything happened to her because I was ignoring her but I just can't set still while things are said about me weather there is any truth to what is being said or not. I always feel like I need to defend myself, even when I'm not really being attacked or abused.  I try to make sure that there as few reasons to defend myself as possible. I try to not say bad things about people unless I'm pressured for my real feeling or the truth as I actualy see it.  That isn't the easiest way to live with Cathy. She has things that I think are either junk or worthless. She'll ask for my opinion knowing full well how I feel about her stuff and I'll tey telling her what she wants to hear but then she won't settle for that. She will keep on asking and asking till I tell her what I really think and then she's either hurt or mad or both. She has a collection of dolls. some are expensive ceramic dolls but some of them are just plain ol little girls play dolls. One of them was actualy retrieved from the trash. I threw a fit when she sprung that one on me. But, thats a different subject. Back to the point. When moving, we lost track of one of her play dolls. So, after  tiring of looking for it and making excuses for not looking more, I offered to replace it. Went to Walmart and bought one. A few months later, she starts about another doll. Says she needs a boy doll like the girl doll we bought earlier. I give in oretty easy because its a lot easier than fighting with her. Now, she sleeps with it and talks to it and wants me to play along with her. I can't do it. I just can't. It shouldn't be that big a deal but I just can't. Can't continue right now. gotta go.