Bedtime?

Well, its about10:30 PM and I'm kinda tired. I need to get to sleep so everything will go away.  Cathy has slept most of the day but is awake now and doesn't want to go back to bed. This is typical. It wouldn't be so bad if I could sleep in the day time but the best I have been able to do was like an hour and 20-30 minutes nap. At least that is since I quit drinking. If I could match her cycles, life would be a lot easier. As it is, I've had about all the pain I can stand today. But, I can't be demanding with Cathy or I will likely lose my temper. And she's starting now. She will try to push my buttons and the problem is she is pretty good at it. She may not be to smart but she knows me pretty good. Good thing I took a Xanax. I should go take a shower but don't think standing any time at all would be smart this late. Times like this, late and hurting, I think being sober ain't such a good idea. I gave her most of her medication at 9:00 so maybe by midnight, she'll be ready to take her Loratab and Xanax and soon be ready for sleep. She takes a lot of medication and I don't see how she does it. If I take a 0.5 mg Xanax, I'm going to lay down somewhere but I wake up feeling stupid for a while if I do anything like that so I can only take a .25 mg one. She takes a 1.0 mg Xanax and if its by itself, it don't faze her.
  Now her cousin is calling. She is a con artist 100% of the time. I have to let her talk to Cathy because she has so little in her life as it is. If I were to take her chance to have interaction with other people away from her, it would mean she has that much less to distract her from the knowledge she is dying. It sometimes gets rough on me as well as her but its a good thing for her spirits to have an active day. Well active for her anyway. If she would just have some comon sense.
  And her stupid dog won't leave me alone. I generally like dogs but this one is like the un-coordinated kid down the block. I don't mis-treat her and do pet her some times but I can't stand her.
  I am in the one place in life where I never thought I'ld find myself. I'm one of the worst people on earth to be responsable for taking care of someone else. I had to break a lot of personal barriers with our oldest son before he died, but I wasn't a good caretaker for him. I didn't pay much attention to my temper with him and I know I hurt him a lot of times when all he wanted was to spend some time with his father.  Heck, I wanted the same thing most of my life. I was in my late 30s when I came to understand that he had no interest in being my dad. There were times that I would drag the family with me and drive almost twelve hours to go see him and all he wanted to do was go off by himself and drink his beer. Then, one time, he was less  than 30 miles from where we lived and I offered to pick him up and drop him of anytime he wanted but the only way I could get him to come see us was to get his sister to put pressure on him to come see us. Then, when he did decide to come see us, he made me get him a six pack outside the base and he drank it before we got home and he wouldn't be more than polite with me or the kids till he just went to sleep. And when he woke up, all he wanted was to get back to base at some bar there.
  Things go through my mind all the time about some of the many ways I could have been nicer to Michael, my oldest son, and made his life more comfortable and happier. I always kinda figured there would be time to make things up to him, when I would even think about it. Then he was gone and I couldn't even tell him I was sorry or that I loved him. It has been easier to put the blame on the people that caused him to die but I could have, and should have done something the first time they made a serious mistake but I did nothing.  I finally said enough was enough and made them take him home where I stayed with him for three days while he would look out the window at nothing till his time was gone.
  Boy, the manure gets deep don't it. Well, this is my life and my attempt to figure out how to make it one that a man wouldn't mind being in. Not one where it more misery than anything else. I really need to make changes but I don't know what changes I need to make and if its even possible for me to make them. So I am going through things that made an impression on me deep enough to take notice of and maybe see some of the other things that I may not have payed attention to but are important too.
  Well, it's only 11:30 and I'm gonna give Cathy her medicine a little early. I sure wish she would go back to bed. I have a little smoke so I will be able to get a few hours if I can get to bed but I can't with her up. She will do things that hurt her and pay little to no attention to hurting herself till the pain/exaustion gets bad or she accomplishes whayever she is trying to do, if I don't keep an eye on her. Sometimes, I can't even stop her without a fuss so i just try to wait her out or maybe beg her sometimes and she'll feel sorry for me. Especialy when I've been doing things for her and the pain is real bad