Morning has broken

    Cathy had a restless night which means I had a busy night. It seems like that woman can pee every five minutes. I know its not that bad but every time I would start to doze off, it seemed like she had to pee again. I know I got some sleep sometime because I just wasn't able to even doze off  anymore sometime this morning. I had been awake quite a while when the garbage truck came by and they always come pretty close to 5:00.  After that, I just gave up trying and got up. Fixed some eggs and sausage bisquits for breakfast and ate while checking my email. Its never anything important but it fills some time. Then I played solitaire for awhile till the dogs started getting restless and wanted out of their cages. play a lot of solitaire. It's the only thing I've found that can occupy my mind without having to think. Thinking is bad for me most of the time. Not regular thinking like figuring out specific problems or  anything like that. Its when i am just setting around, listening to music to keep the noise from driving me up a wall, my mind will flitter around following obscure trails of thought and generally wind up on something to bring on the tears. Some times, I don't even have to think about anything and the tears will start.  The anger does that too. Sometimes, it seems like I'm getting along fine and all of a sudden, I am just so angry.
  Had to go take a Xanax and take a few minutes. Its probably a good thing to have those available but they have a terrible reputation and it seems like I'm turning to them way to easily as time goes on. And not a lot of time either. I've only been taking them for something like four months. I used to have a drinking problem and smoked like a freight train, a lot of times, lighting my next one off of the last one and going through almost three packs of cigarettes in a single day. I got rid of those habits and don't want to start another one with something that can hurt me. even if it would take years for any damage to become relevant. And I hate feeling stupid. That may be a bigger problem that the fear of dependency and damage to my physical body like liver and such. I was destroying my body and its working parts before they were fully developed even. I was a drunk and a pack a day smoker by the time I was 16. Yea, my world has suked since my earliest memories. Can't continue.