Actually, its almost 5:00 by now. Been up taking care of Cathy and doing potty chair duty. Tried laying back down but couldn't rest or sleep, as usual. Normaly I would be playing solitare on the computer but figured I'ld try this. It may not be too good an idea. The reason I play solitare and particularly on the computer is that I can play mindlessly. It helps to keep things from coming to the front of my mind where I would have to either deal with them or find a distraction, which would be solitare. I'm not to good with dealing with things whirling around in my head. Especialy if I want to get to sleep or in this case, back to sleep. Some of the time, all the things in my head are just random thoughts with small connections leading from one thing to another just keeping my mind working but most of the time, if I let it go long enough, it always gets to a sensative subject. I've ot a lot of those. My mother. My father. My step mother. Heck, my whole family is a sensative area. Some thoughts lead to anger and some to tears. All are best avoided. Hard to do when I'm here dragging up my whole life and trying to take a good look at it. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that. You know the old joke, guy goes to doctor and tells the doc," when I do this, it hurts." and the doctor says" well don't do that "! Thats been my way of dealing with everything for a long time now. Physicaly and mentaly. If it is uncomfortable or hurts, DON'T DO IT. don't walk, RUN, (figurativly)get away from it. If some job isn't necessary, either put it off till it is necessary for me to do or it quits mattering at all. Maybe not the best method of handling life but its been keeping me able to cope for a long time. Some things I probably shouldn't put off though. Like fixing the brakes on the van. i have to keep them in mind whenever I drive anywhere but I'm carefull and its only the back brakes that are not working. One day, this spring and soon, I really need to fix those brakes. What would have been a couple of hours work a few years back, will turn out to take at least a couple of days now though. And I shore cain't afford to have someone else do it.
God my back and hips are already hurting, and its just a little after five in the morning. I need to cut the grass to cut down on the flea population. I cut a small corner last friday but I had ti work on the lawn mower and that put my back out for three days. For a man that used to could do anything, I sure am fragile now days. Thats probably why I'm in the shape I'm in. Ignoring consequences and doing what a mans gotta do. I'm glad my sons a little lazy. Maybe he won't get in the shape I'm in. Hes just as hard headed as I am but he doesn't work like I used to. He spends most of his time at a desk in a parts warehouse. Hes not as big as I am or as tough as I used to be but he thinks hes just as tough and don't back down. At least, not where I can see it. I probably made things hard for him too. He had to take on a lot when he was growing up. Well I recon he didn't have to. I could have made his load somewhat easier. He helped out with his brother more than a young boy should have had to and then he got all the chores that generaly get laid of on kids. Can't continue.
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