Made it through that mess

  I hate having to take Cathy to that flea market. It is crowded and LOUD. Most of the time, when I'm out and about with Cathy, I only put one ear bud in and hang the other one in the neck of my T-shirt so I can know when Cathy says something. I had to put them in both ears and turn it up today. And ignorant, callous people that don't care about anything or anybody around them. One stupid broad literally dragged her little boy across Cathy's feet and legs. I started to reach out and shove her back but stopped myself and just pulled Cathy out from under the kid.  I used to think I had gotten my self control to a point where I don't put my hands on other people but I think it was just unconsciously staying away from places,  people and situations that might make things uncomfortable enough for me to get set off. I almost went off on that broad. I think some of the people around us believed I did from the way I talked to her. She got off lightly, and I guess I did too. At least I didn't have to have a cop intervene to save my butt this time. I wonder how long I can keep getting lucky. Its obvious to me now that I don't have as much self control as I keep telling myself.  Poor Cathy is the one that suffers the most for my temper even when I'm not angry at her, or anybody else for that matter. She suffers because I don't go anywhere that I don't have to. I think its been about 6 years since we have gone out to a restaurant other than to get carry-out.  And then, it was only because our son made a big deal out of our thirtyth anniversary. Can't remember the last time before that. That woman has given up a lot to be my wife. That's one of the reasons I won't give up on her and put her in an institution, even if we could afford a nice one. Did I mention yet that we are sorta co-dependant on each other?  gotta go.

Another day

  Well, its 8:00 on a Saturday. Last night was rather uneventful. Cathy wants to go to the flea market today so I kinda bribed her and got her to go to bed about 11:30 or a little after by telling her she needed to rest up if she wanted to go to the flea market this morning and we need to do it in the morning because a lot of vendors close up in the afternoon. That worked pretty good and I only had to beg her to shut up and go to sleep a few times. i dread these flea market trips. She wants to go down every aisle and that's a lot of walking and it hurts to just be on my feet for a  while but covering the entire market takes a long time and a lot of walking. I will have to be sure to wait till near time to go and take a Xanax before leaving the house. That and my MP3 player will help cope with all the crowds and noise. One good thing about pushing Cathy around in her wheel chair is that she acts as a shield so people don't bump into me as much. Most people that is. Some of them will almost run over Cathy and her chair before even noticing theres anyone there. Sometimes I have a hard time not doing anything more that yelling at them to watch out. I do put the foot rests on whenever we go out to places where there will be a lot of people so that gives her a little more protection from careless idiots that walk around with their heads up their butts. Not much, but its better than her feet just dangling loose. Seems like the only places I go any more where there aren't to many people are the places that I don't have to get out of the van, except for having to get out to pump gas for it. Even the pharmacy has a drive up window. That led to some strange ideas. Remember the guy that lived without leaving his house and just lived with whatever he could get by ordering from the Internet and getting everything delivered? I wonder if I could get sponsors to do that with living in a van and never getting more than like 50 feet from it to empty the porta potty or maybe get one of those kinds that uses a dry bag and kitty litter and that way I could stay within like 10 feet of the van. Would only have to go outside to get fuel. And water. I would need to have some for washing up every once in a while. Might be a better option than just going out in the desert and hope that whatever money I could get for the house would last long enough for my retirement to start. Right now, I think my social security would be a little over $300 a month if I were old enough to retire. That would take some doing to live on that. Food stamps and subsidized housing? But I hate apartment living like in the subsidized retirement housing here in Pensacola that I've seen. It was a nice enough place but they are always telling you what to do around your home, if you can call it YOUR home. I think I would rather live in my van. Gets too crowded, just move along.
  I never have gotten along to well with anyone telling me what to do. I used to have a lot of trouble keeping a job way back when because of that little personality trait. The best people I ever worked for, I quit like 6 or 7 times in less than 2 years. Never got my paid vacation from them and they were the only ones I ever worked for that would give anyone a paid vacation. At least anyone at my level of employment. That's the company my older brother and me were working for when he fell and died from his injuries. He would have had it made if he wouldn't have died. He was in no way dumb but he wasn't as smart as me, but he could handle people without getting angry. Actually, he had no problems with getting people to do as he said. I kinda figured he would get into the company at the level where all he had to do was keep office people happy and come around and tell me what needed doing. I was very good at getting things done, even if I had to do everything myself. I remember one job I had in Houston where I fired the whole crew one time for just playing on the job when i had to leave for something and they had done absolutely nothing when I got back. I had to work all weekend by myself to get things caught up. And then, on Monday the office sent one of the worst instigators of the problems from the week before, back out for me to keep working. He owed the owner too much money to just fire him. I quit them over that till they begged me to stay and promised to keep him away from me and any job I was on. I was mad as hell that I had sacrificed my entire weekend and worked by myself to make up for loss of time on the job so material deliveries wouldn't get stacked up and cause problems and then they just keep that little jerk on. And to top all that off, when work ran out and layoffs started, he was the one to keep his job and me and my crew at the time were the first ones to be layed off. I also found situation like that in many companies i would work for. The people that actually do the work get laid off before the butt kissers, and some times, the butt kissers never miss a pay check.Gotta go. Not having a real problem this time but stirring up old anger and I don't want to start Cathy's day off with me being angry before she even gets out of bed. And I don't want to have to take a Xanax any sooner than I feel is necessary to cope with leaving the house. Later.

Just don't know.

  Wow. I couldn't think about how to get started this time without things getting too difficult. But I'm back and OK for now. I had to take a Xanax.  I hate having to depend on those things just to be able to function. And I have to take the weakest ones they make or I won't be able to function well. I can take the way I can get easily distracted with cannabis for the benefits it gives but the Xanax just slows me down and makes me stupid. Nothing for the pain and doesn't make me feel good at all, or even OK. The pills last longer than the cannabis but no where near the benefits. And the cannabis will help me sleep and I wake up refreshed instead of worse than if I hadn't slept at all like happens if I take a Xanax before going to sleep. I've got an old MIG welder that I've been trying to sell and a guy across town may be interested in it and if he buys it, I'll be OK for a few weeks instead of hoping someone would happen to stop by and smoke one with me. I feel like a beggar since things have gotten tight but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. Cathy was giving me a hard time about going to bed last night after I had about all the pain and noise I could stand for the day, and during our argument, she said "go take you a Xanax" and I just blew up. Don't know why but someone telling me I need to take something like that just set me off. Sometimes, when I think about it, is seems funny/odd that someone that uses cannabis is dead set against drugs. I don't feel I have the right to have an opinion about other peoples drug use, or not use, unless they are messed up and think they want to mess with me, except the knowledge that the so called drug war is wrong and helps make seriously harm full divisions among the people of my country and the entire world to some extent.
  Doesn't seem right looking at a sentence stating "my country" feeling the way I do about most our government and the forces behind the way its run. I can't stand the way things turn out after candidates promise so much and they are either just greedy to start with or stupid (GWB) or turn into whores once they get into office. People don't seem to have much respect for Jimmy Carter but IMO, he was the only honest president that we have had in any memories I have of any presidents I have lived under.
  While on the subject, kinda. I have an idea of how they have managed to keep cannabis illegal. People with money and power will know how to talk to the right people in the right way to make them understand their point of view. They have to be afraid if  next week, they woke up and found instead of party hardy, beer drinking good ol boys that go along to get along, the had a population of thoughtful peaceful men and women. It would devastate the gestapo wanna-bes and the greedy corporate heads behind the heads.They would lose out on the financial ability to hold mass areas of land for cheap pulpwood when hemp grows on land even poorer than scrub trees and in a fraction of the time. The land taxes would take all the profit out of being a mass land owner if hemp were available to be grown here. They see the end of that prohibition coming and that is why most of the land holdings are turning to privatized hunting to make up the money they are soon to lose. There is one thing the drug warriors get right. Cannabis use will go up if it is made legal for adult use. Quite a few people will quit drinking or greatly slow down on the amount of alcohol they consume meaning alcohol use will go down by at least something greater than 10%. Alcohol is one of the most profitable commodities there is for corporate heads behind the heads. Especial since they passed the welfare rules making etehanol out of corn for using as a fuel for cars and trucks while they keep subsidizing the sugar cane industry by keeping quotas on the amount our farmers are allowed to plant and harvest. How do you think that whatever country in South America does so well without buying a drop of oil, unless it is used for chemicals and not fuel for the cars and trucks. I don't know if they import oil for diesel or not so I make that allowance in the factuality of my last statement. Now, beyond this, is are the first layer profits of the alcoholic beverage industry, then the second tier profit grabber like the hospitals and auto repair shops and the police and court personal prison guards and their unions and funeral industry as well as the advertising media and we can't forget big pharma that make piles of cash keeping all those accident and violence victims drugged up. This is in no way a complete listing of the first and second tiers of the income from alcohol but there are more levels that are much more sinister. People don't think well and are much easier led around by the right propaganda when presented to them at the right times, like when their minds are dulled with alcohol. Makes a man wanna be a MAN! Beat on my chest, take on anybody and anything, and laugh at them while I mash their faces. Doesn't really make for a peaceful population and when the time comes to make war, what leader wants a peaceful population. Now comes the military-industrial complexities. Now, unless your a dummy, when you get involved in something like a war, you want to be damned sure your able to win it. There is no way, in the world we live in, that we (America) can just hide out heads in the sand and not be involved in what happens around the rest of the world. Not only would it be foolish, but the heads behind the heads would lose too much money being isolated here in one country. We are all part of one Earth. Same air and water all over this world.
  Back to the real subject. Anyway, we have to capable of using power, weather it be economic or. if it comes to it, militarily. Now, there is now way we could set around peacefully for 30 to 40 years and all of a sudden, be able to take on someone like China if they suddenly decided their way of life depended on the rest of the world living the same way theydo , under their benelevant leadreship. We are important in the world and need to be. (doesn't sound like me huh!)There are also many greedy,mean and ruthless people in this world and we need to be able to prevent them from pushing themselves into a position that they can be a danger to the entire world. Adolf Hitler did it and don't think it can't be happen again. That means we have to be in a position to do whatever may have to be done. That means keeping a strong military and top of the line technology.  You can't go along for any period of time and reduce the capabilities of the military and the industrial complexities that keep them supplied and equipped with top of the line technology and equipment. You can't either take enough men and/or women and make them sudden generals and get the knowledge and experience to successfully wage war and win and keep the casualty rate low, or at least reasonably low.To keep soldiers, officers and staff ready and able to protect us, we need all of the things that put us where we are today. Now,a young, intelligent, thinking person isn't likely to be real content to take an order to set in a hole when hundreds of enemy soldiers are coming to over run that position just so his captain can have a better chance to save his own butt. Cannabis does promote thinking in intelligent people. Alcohol does not.

here comes the sun

  Well, after a heat spell that made Cathy hot enough to want the ACs put back in the windows, its been chilly for the last two nights. And mornings. I've ben wrapped up in one of those blanket things with the arm holes since I got up. Been playing solitaire and listening to my music for a couple hours and realized I wasn't going to be able to get any more sleep when the day light started creeping around the window blinds.
  Cathy was a problem to get to go to bed. She will get something going through her head and become like a woman on a mission. Almost an obsession sometimes. She gets these delusions about people steeling her stuff. First off, nobody is stealing her stuff. Second, only a child would want most of it bad enough to pilfer anything she has. She will set up in her bed and make me get all her jewelry boxes and cases and the cheep Walmart glass beeds she plays/works with and makes such a  mess, a normal person  would have problems finding everything and getting things back together. I have bought her many a container of backs for those little earings and she still has problems finding enough to put what earings she hasn't lost back together in pairs on the little cards they come on.  Did i mention she has paranoid delusions? She sometimes sees people breaking in through the ceiling and coming through the walls. She used to be satisfied with imagining they were coming in through the door but I thought I would reassure her and set her mind at ease if I blocked the door with putting a chair back leaning as a wedge under the door knob. I even went out the back door and showed her that it would take enough force to shatter the door and/or door frame to get through but her mind just got worse. She woke me up one time, trying to be all hush hush, telling me there was a girl under my bed. She has seen a monkey running around and wanted me to catch it for her or coax it into coming to her so she could play with it and love on it and such. It gets to be real hard for me to deal with her when she gets like that. Fortunately, her psycotic episodes have gotten fewer and not as severe as they were. But she still believes what she was seeing was real. Even when I find something that she thought was stolen, she says its either not the same thing that was stolen or thats why they kept coming back was because they didn't want whatever it was in her mind that they stole and brought it back. There are a lot of times I just have to walk away from her and turm my music up loud enough to make it hard to hear her and just ignore her for awhile. Thats not good for her but me getting out of control is even worse, I think, and it sure ain't good for me. She will sometimes try to walk and chase me down, into the next room or even the bathroom, and has hurt herself a coulpe of times falling to the floor. She can walk, kinda, a little when gets her dander up. Its more like falling and keeping her feet moving forward underneath her trying to catch her ballance. She has some success with that but the further it is for her to go to reach something to grab ahold of, the more dangerous it becomes. She fell one time and was all tangled up in a roll around table like in the hospitals and banged up her nose. I thought sure that she was going to have something broken that time but we were lucky. When she broke her leg, I had to literaly carry her around and lift her in and out of the bath tub for almost a month before we could get a wheel chair for her. My back went out on me twice back then and both of us went down. Both times, it was trying to get her out of the bath tub and we are lucky she didn't bang her head on the tub. There are still times when I have to rescue her and pick her up off the floor but we have to work together now to do it. I can no longer just grab her and pick her up as I would want. I used to show off to her and hold her by her elbows and pick her up like a weight lifter doing "curls", I think thats what they call it. I am definatly not the man I once was. Her brother has a fish camp that has about 25-30 feet of stairs, I don't know how many steps, but right after she broke her leg and it was in a cast, I could get away with picking her up and carrying her up and down all those stairs so she could ride on Freddys party barge. Good thing we didn't go there very often. I would have to bite down and just keep putting one foot forward after another but I was able to do it but I can't even pick her up without the likelyhood of dropping both of us now days. When she winds up on the floor now, we have to work together and even wait till she is able to work with me sometimes, to get her back up. Gotta stop.

Back from the doctor

  I don't know where to start. My doctor finally accepted the fact that I wasn't gonna take any medication with side effects that affect me. He's OK with that. I let him know I canceled the appointment with Dr. Light and wasn't going to see him again. Turns out that he was going to suggest the same lady that Dr. Light recommended. She's a social worker with their clinic. I wasn't sure what she was so I asked. Did I mention that she is setting me up with a psych evaluation. I have to get someone to set with Cathy again. I hate having to keep asking them people for more help. I hate asking anyone for anything but I just can't handle everything any more. Things weren't so bad before Cathy got down. She would take care of me and I would take care of everything else. Now. I can just barely make it through what should be an easy day. I don't dare take on anything that isn't absolutely necessary. Which reminds me, I need to fix the brakes on the van. I was in heavy traffic coming home and had to use the brakes pretty hard a few times and they must have gotten hot because they started to fade. I thought sure I was gonna rear end one idiot that decided he wanted to change lanes in front of me and just stop so he wouldn't miss his turn, I recon. Didn't even get into the center lane where he's supposed to for turning. Then he looked at me like "WHAT!" for yelling as I got to go around him. Some people are so stupid. I want to just run over people like that sometimes just to show them what the consequences can be like for driving with their head up their butt. Well that's enough anger for now.
  Cathys in bed sleeping again. Its kinda nice, her not needing me every 5 minutes but she'll likely make up for it later.
  Her cousin just called and gave me a good reason to wake her up.  I don't really care for her but Cathy deserves any distraction she can get that doesn't hurt her. But her cousin, Janice is a real wack job if you ask me. Won't quit talking if you let her get started. And can start crying at the drop of a hat. I know that happens to me a lot, the tears, but she seems to do it on cue when ever it will get her what she wants. Not something she hates having happen, but a tool to manipulate people with. Maybe she's not all that bad but I just hate having anyone around that I can't believe whatever they say. And here I am, madly in love with a woman that will say anything that comes to mind to get her way. But I know shes a wack job so I just try to get past any little lies she tells me. She has the mind a a young teen at the best. And is incapable of reason other that what she feels. But she loves me truly and I've never had to worry about her wanting anyone else besides me. Thats something important to me is loyalty. I had a younger sister that was almost as "unwanted" as me and I felt sorry for her but she at least had our Granny that was always taking up for her and treating her like she was special. I could have been closer to her and probably should have made the effort but its too late now. I didn't even go to her funeral. I think she would have been a good sister if I had given her a chance. I know I could have made a difference in her life if I would have tried. Can't continue.

Morning has broken

    Cathy had a restless night which means I had a busy night. It seems like that woman can pee every five minutes. I know its not that bad but every time I would start to doze off, it seemed like she had to pee again. I know I got some sleep sometime because I just wasn't able to even doze off  anymore sometime this morning. I had been awake quite a while when the garbage truck came by and they always come pretty close to 5:00.  After that, I just gave up trying and got up. Fixed some eggs and sausage bisquits for breakfast and ate while checking my email. Its never anything important but it fills some time. Then I played solitaire for awhile till the dogs started getting restless and wanted out of their cages. play a lot of solitaire. It's the only thing I've found that can occupy my mind without having to think. Thinking is bad for me most of the time. Not regular thinking like figuring out specific problems or  anything like that. Its when i am just setting around, listening to music to keep the noise from driving me up a wall, my mind will flitter around following obscure trails of thought and generally wind up on something to bring on the tears. Some times, I don't even have to think about anything and the tears will start.  The anger does that too. Sometimes, it seems like I'm getting along fine and all of a sudden, I am just so angry.
  Had to go take a Xanax and take a few minutes. Its probably a good thing to have those available but they have a terrible reputation and it seems like I'm turning to them way to easily as time goes on. And not a lot of time either. I've only been taking them for something like four months. I used to have a drinking problem and smoked like a freight train, a lot of times, lighting my next one off of the last one and going through almost three packs of cigarettes in a single day. I got rid of those habits and don't want to start another one with something that can hurt me. even if it would take years for any damage to become relevant. And I hate feeling stupid. That may be a bigger problem that the fear of dependency and damage to my physical body like liver and such. I was destroying my body and its working parts before they were fully developed even. I was a drunk and a pack a day smoker by the time I was 16. Yea, my world has suked since my earliest memories. Can't continue.

Well, I made it so far

Here it is, 8:30 and I'm caught up with everything I need to do for the night. I wasn't sure I would be able to do everything and get cleaned up for tomorrow but I did. Heck, thats two baths in less than a week. And shaves too. I had some problems making it though. Cathy started whining that she was getting hot. Today, and in the late afternoon too. I bit down and put the air conditioners in and got them working. We have two small window units. They don't weigh much but were just awkward  with the weight to give me some problems. Especialy the one for the bedroom. I had to carry it about twenty feet or so and lift it over shoulder height to put it in the window. Needless to say, thats the smaller of the two. And the one we just bought last year wouldn't work. I had to take it back out and fix it. That one is at the front porch so it wasn't too bad to work with even though it was a little heavier than the one in the bedroom.. It wasn't much but took me a while to figure it out. I took the front off and the switch panel but was having difficulty getting the plate covering the area where I was assuming the relays were so I got to thinking that it may be the circut breaker in the plug or even the plug itself so I quit trying top force my way into the guts of the machine and took the plug apart. There was water in the plug and it was causing the breaker to throw as soon as I would plug it up and wouldn't reset with the button. I dried it out as best I could and used WD-40 to displace as much water as I could and it worked for just long enough for me to be satisfied and put the unit back in the window. Then, when I pluged it back up , it started throwing the breaker again. I turned on the compressor and used air to blow dry it but it wasn't gonna work any more. So i just disabled the breaker and put it back together. Its been working fine without any smoke, steam or the plug with the disabled circuit breaker even getting warm. Its been a couple of hours running now and I'll continue to watch it. That makes me think I should go next door and get a smoke alarm.
BRB. Well, that was a wasted effort. And after a long day, walking all that way and back and they don't have any smoke alarms. I guess I'll just turn it off for over night and get one from the hardware ntomorrow wwhen I go see the doctor. Now I need to try to get settled and clear my mind so I will be able to get some sleep if I can talk Cathy into going to bed at 10:00. I will be listening to music and playing solitare till I can clear everything from my mind and go to bed so good night.

evening has arrived

  Its going on 5:00 and I wish my day were done. One good thing is that Cathy has been awake all day and that means she will be willing to go to bed around 10:00, maybe. I'm gonna try cooking something besides a frozen dinner for her tonight. I hope she enjoys it because its a big deal for me to cook a meal. I'm no cook either. My specialty is eggs and they ain't always cooked to order. And I'm the only one around here that eats eggs. Probably because they don't always come out the same. I had to do aanother load of laundry today. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and need some clean clothes to wear. I'm gonna have to get a shower as soon as it cools off. I don't know why I don't like getting a bath. Or shower. Maybe its because I'm a little claustrophobic. I'll wait till after supper anyway. I'll take my Xanax before I eat and maybe I'll feel better when time to shower gets here.
  Cathy has been demandding but not as bad as some days. I've had my music going most of the day and she won't talk loud enough for me to hear her above the music but I listen between songs to see if she needs something. I also listen while the music is playing and mute it if I think she tried to call me. When she has a bad day, for whatever reason, she will keep me hopping. Till I get my fill of  jumping every few minutes, Then I try to get control of the situation but sometimes Cathy is just going to act out no matter what I do and I have to watch myself when she gets like that. She's getting a little needy right now. I'm gonna go start supper and make her leave me alone for a while. Later.

It's A New Day

  Well, I'm caught up, kinda. I'm caught up with anything urgent. I've had breakfast, Cathys had breakfast and her medication and I've gotten things under control for myself for now. Got some music going to help with the noise. Had a friend stop by and smoked a little with me so i can even muster up a smile. I'm not gonna waste my few short hours of non misery doing dishes or laundry or any kind of house work. I hate house work. It may be sexist of me but i'm glad I'm not a woman. I'm glad I'm me in spite of all the problems I live with. I have to like being me don't I? I don't know how anyone could live if they didn't like being themselves. I don't understand how my brother can live with himself. He's always trying to be something or someone that he's not. And he doesn't care about the cost in relationships if he thinks the prize is big enough. I don't consider him as any relation any more except as my mothers only other surviving child. I have no desire to see or speak with him ever again. Well now thats not exactly true. I wouldn't mind having a honest conversation through a fence to keep temptation beyond reach but there is no way to get him to be honest. He will believe a lie almost as soon as he can speak it. He reminds me of some politicians like the one that said the statment he made on front of whatever house of congress is in wasn't ment to be factual. He was talking about funding for planed parent hood something or other and stated that 90% of their work was abortions and he knows thats a gross lie and he got called on it. And Donald Trump. More like Donald Duck. I swear I will quit admiting I'm American if we get anything like him elected president. Anything is possible I recon. Look at what we got in Florida. The guy got caught steeling millions from Florida health care and avoids prosecution by repaying it. Then he is elected govoner and almost immediately start decrees for drug testing all government employs, that will fatten his wallet at tax payer expense and, cuts aid to the poorest and most vulnerable people in the state. Typical republican health care. If you aren't rich and you get sick, please have the consideration to die quickly!! And they talked about "Obama care" having panel weather or not to pay for some treatments for dying people, they just say to everyone, if you get sick and, just hurry up and get it over with. I have mostly three kinds of people that consider themselvs republican at the street level. I also believe the same applies to upper level and elected republicans but have no direct contact with them so I can't say for sure. Anyway, they are either greedy little people like my brother that don't want regulations preventing them from doing business any way they see fit. Or they are greedy people that believe, and with good cause, that if they stay the course and make themselves noticed by the right people, they will be rewarded with lucrative jobs. Or they are young and idealistic and believe the politicians when they get up and spout philosophy to get elected and jsut turn into good lo boys doing a circle jerk and marching in step to whom ever is the top jerk at the time. i can understand some of the military people with inteligence staying in step with the party line because thats the way they are indoctronated, don't question orders, just accept that your superiors know what they are doing and carry out your mission.
  The social worker from Cathy's hospice provider came to see us. Its kinda embarassing having people come and say that someone  that provides help with Cathy was complaining about fleas when she came here. I can't get rid of her dogs. I'm not up to the up-keep on this place. I told Cathy it was a mess before I gave Robbie everything we could spare to get rid of him. I'm a firm believer in not having more than you can keep up with.  There is three times the yard to cut and he sold our riding mower we left here for Mama when we moved to Missisippi. I had things where I could cope there. We move here and find Robbie has been storing trash instead of doing anything to clean up. I spent three months cleaning out trash piles he built up. It was almost waist high inside the back part of the house and had a pile to fill a small dump truck under a tarp outside. Cathy fell out about the time I got sick of the mess and went to the hospital and that started a big mess. Some other time on that one. Don't want things I'm not ready to deal with right now.
  Anyway, she is going to see about getting someone to come in and do something about the flea problems.  Later

4:00 and alls well

Actually, its almost 5:00 by now. Been up taking care of Cathy and doing potty chair duty. Tried laying back down but couldn't rest or sleep, as usual. Normaly I would be playing solitare on the computer but figured I'ld try this.  It may  not be too good an idea. The reason I play solitare and particularly on the computer is that I can play mindlessly. It helps to keep things from coming to the front of my mind where I would have to either deal with them or find a distraction, which would  be solitare. I'm not to good with dealing with things whirling around in my head. Especialy if I want to get to sleep or in this case, back to sleep. Some of the time, all the things in my head are just random thoughts with small connections leading from one thing to another just keeping my mind working but most of the time, if I let it go long enough, it always gets to a sensative subject. I've ot a lot of those. My mother. My father. My step mother. Heck, my whole family is a sensative area. Some thoughts lead to anger and some to tears. All are best avoided. Hard to do when I'm here dragging up my whole life and trying to take a good look at it. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that. You know the old joke, guy goes to doctor and tells the doc," when I do this, it hurts." and the doctor says" well don't do that "! Thats been my way of dealing with everything for a long time now. Physicaly and mentaly. If it is uncomfortable or hurts, DON'T DO IT. don't walk, RUN, (figurativly)get away from it.  If some job isn't necessary, either put it off till it is necessary for me to do or it quits mattering at all. Maybe not the best method of handling life but its been keeping me able to cope for a long time. Some things I probably shouldn't put off though. Like fixing the brakes on the van. i have to keep them in mind whenever I drive anywhere but I'm carefull  and its only the back brakes that are not working. One day, this spring and soon, I really need to fix those brakes. What would have been a couple of hours work a few years back, will turn out to take at least a couple of days now though. And I shore cain't afford to have someone else do it.
  God my back and hips are already hurting, and its just a little after five in the morning. I need to cut the grass to cut down on  the flea population.  I cut a small corner last friday but I had ti work on the lawn mower and that put my back out for three days. For a man that used to could do anything, I sure am fragile now days. Thats probably why I'm in the shape I'm in. Ignoring consequences and doing what a mans gotta do. I'm glad my sons a little lazy. Maybe he won't get in the shape I'm in. Hes just as hard headed as I am but he doesn't work like I used to. He spends most of his time at a desk in a parts warehouse. Hes not as big as I am or as tough as I used to be but he thinks hes just as tough and don't back down. At least, not where I can see it. I probably made things hard for him too. He had to take on a lot when he was growing up. Well I recon he didn't have to. I could have made his load somewhat easier. He helped out with his brother more than a young boy should have had to and then he got all the chores that generaly get laid of on kids. Can't continue.

Night falls

Earlier this afternoon, Cathy asked me to lay down with her. that was a good thing. I dozed off for a little under an hour but I felt so much better afterwards. I hope Cathy will get up and eat something before it gets late. If she waits till late, it will mean that she won't be willing to go back to bed at a decent hour and that will mean I'll have to take another Xanax so I can slow my reaction times down and not get too angry when things get tough like they do every day of my life. If I could be in bed and asleep before 11:00 every night, I think we could avoid a lot of tension and some intense arguments sometimes too. I don't want to be touchy as time goes by every day and night but pain seems to build up as the day goes on and the more pain, the more I lose patience with her, and everything else too. God have mercy on the unsuspecting person that gets in my face with an attitude late in the afternoon or evening.  I have enough self awareness about myself to know not to go out late in the day to avoid episodes with other people that don't know how to be curtious and civil to others. Last time I went out after dark was back in December. Our biggest heater just suddenly quit working and I had to get it replaced or risk Cathy's health. For some reason that year, we couldn't get her flu shot last year because I failed to look into it in a timely manner. Whatever the cause, I had to get that heater replaced and right then. I went to Walmart where I bought it happy to just replace it to pay more to upgrade if there were no direct replacments available.  Needless to say, they were out of anything large enough to heat a single room. They give me a refund but it is on one of their gift cards and the only place to use them is at a Walmart. Meaning I was forced to do business at the time with no one else because I didn't have the money to replace the heater without using the refund on a gift card. Being late, I asked the twerp at the help dest to please call the other stores and see if either of them had any decent heaters left. One did and the other didn't but they would not pull one from the shelf to hold for me. So, in a big hurry, I get Cathy loaded back up in the van and put her wheel chair in the rear when this idiot broad pulls up about 6 feet from my van , blocking me in because she wants my parking spot. After her refusal to move when asked in a polite but stern request without any bad language or referal to her or her inteligence, I let her know how stupid she was and that she needed to move or we would both never get anywhere. Turns out, her little banty rooster of a boyfriend is within hearing range and comes up and starts up like he's actualy gonna do something about me talking to his "lady" like that. This guy is all of five foot tall and would have to carry bricks in his pocket to weigh a hundred pounds. I started towards him and I was gonna be violent at the least but this enormous cop steps in front of me and I recon a baged at eye level caught my attention. That was a blessing. He got things under control and helped with getting the dumb broad to move her car and helped me back out without hitting anything. Anyway, we got out of there and got a heater and made it home safe and without any further problems. If it hadn't been for that cop paying attention and being a good guy instead of a prick with a gun, I woulda been in serious trouble and Cathy would have been the biggest loser. I don't go out late unless its a dire emergency. I'm in pain and very short tempered and its too easy for me to lose control under those circumstances. Heck, its not a good idea for me to go out anytime but I have to get groceries and make doctors appointments. I take a Xanax and grab my MP3 player and keep my head down. Thats the only way I can leave the house without taking a big risk of getting into a situation where bad things could happen.
  Well, now its time for Cathy's medicine so she will have to wake up for a while weather she wants to or not. BRB
  Its not gonna be a good night. Thank god for Xanax. I hate taking something that has as bad a reputation as that but its the mildest dose it comes in and I don't take it unless I need it. Some times, that doesn't work out so well because it doesn't work as quickly as needed if not talen before its needed but I don't like taking things that make me stupid so I won't start any kind of regular schedule and just take it as needed. Cathy is something else. Its not her fault. Either that or she has the right for some slack when it comes to the way she acts. I don't know, but I can't leave or come down on her or anything. She is totaly without reason. One good thing is that her sister, Dorothy is basicly a good person and has a lot of forgivness and understanding for Cathy's situation and shes talking to her on the phone. Did I mention shes delusional. She has periods of dementia where she is totaly out of her mind. She has, at times, been screaming at people that don't exist to get out of her house and a few assorted episodes like that. And she just can't believe things like that aren't real making it very hard to deal with her. Especialy for someone like me. I just don't know how to deal with fantasies. Heck, all my life dreams for a future had to be based it the realm of actually becoming real and sustainable.
  Right now, I'm having a problem with Cathy's conversation with her sister. I need to just keep my mouth shut and let her rant. no matter what she says, she loves and needs me. I turned on my music. I hope she doesn't need me for a while cause she'll have to talk real loud for me to hear her. I'll listen to what happening with her between songs so its not real risky doing this. I don't know how I'ld take it if anything happened to her because I was ignoring her but I just can't set still while things are said about me weather there is any truth to what is being said or not. I always feel like I need to defend myself, even when I'm not really being attacked or abused.  I try to make sure that there as few reasons to defend myself as possible. I try to not say bad things about people unless I'm pressured for my real feeling or the truth as I actualy see it.  That isn't the easiest way to live with Cathy. She has things that I think are either junk or worthless. She'll ask for my opinion knowing full well how I feel about her stuff and I'll tey telling her what she wants to hear but then she won't settle for that. She will keep on asking and asking till I tell her what I really think and then she's either hurt or mad or both. She has a collection of dolls. some are expensive ceramic dolls but some of them are just plain ol little girls play dolls. One of them was actualy retrieved from the trash. I threw a fit when she sprung that one on me. But, thats a different subject. Back to the point. When moving, we lost track of one of her play dolls. So, after  tiring of looking for it and making excuses for not looking more, I offered to replace it. Went to Walmart and bought one. A few months later, she starts about another doll. Says she needs a boy doll like the girl doll we bought earlier. I give in oretty easy because its a lot easier than fighting with her. Now, she sleeps with it and talks to it and wants me to play along with her. I can't do it. I just can't. It shouldn't be that big a deal but I just can't. Can't continue right now. gotta go.

Try this again

Here it is in the afternoon. I had to go to the dollar store and get some bleach. I messed up and let the laundry pile up and now I need some clean sheets. The store is right next door, thank goodness, so I just walk there and back. It wears me out. Its only 133 steps from my front door to the the dollar store door. Walking around to get some bleach and grab some cokes while I'm making the trip. I get home and I'm out of breath and my ankle and hips are starting to change from a small ache to out right pain. I'm too old for this. But I'm only 56. I see people with 10 to 15 years on me and they act like someone a lot younger than I feel. What is my life going to be like in a few more years? Heck, I ain't sure what is gonna happen to me when Cathy does die. I haven't been able to actualy earn enough money to be a decent living since I was an iron worker. That was back in 1986. I stepped into a deep ditch to keep from falling into it and possibly hitting my head on the concrete wall.  I went to small town emergency room and they said it was just a sprain. Went to doctor recomended by the people I worked for when we got home and he starts lecturing me about having people arrested for insurance fraud but I've no education and these people are college educated so I should listen. For 6 weeks, he was telling me to go back to work doing light duty. There ain't no such thing as light duty for an iron worker. I kept trying to go back but could only stand one or two partial days a week. After awhile, the boss wanted a release from the doctor but my ankle was still swolen and black. The doctor then decided to send me to a specialest and discovered I had broken it. This jerk had been lecturing me about insurance fraud instead of trying to make sure that things were in order for a patient in a lot of pain  and unable to find anything that would work to relieve that pain without side effects that were/are unacceptable. All the specialest I started going to after that kept telling me I would be able to return to my job soon so when they released me finally, I was stupid enopugh to accept the insurance companies offer to settle without a lawsuit so I could pay everybody I owed money to off and get back to work. Well, I'm hard headed and kept on trying to man up and keep working but it gets dangerous working at heights when you are putting up the steel skeleton of buildings. I finally just quit and came home to Florida. I've tried numerous things but they were never very profitable and were very much labor intensive. I even went so far as to get a roofing contractors license in Fl and was doing alright when I got rear ended at a traffic light. Went to the doctors and did the drug round table thing and wound up running through the insurance with no good options. They sent me a letter stating something like " since there hasen't been any treatment options that show any promise for your injury and the fact that you have almost reached the limits of this policy, we are no longer going to pay for treatment for you." Now I have a messed up ankle and a bad back and my hips are giving me a lot of trouble for some reason. I even learned computer repair and got certified as a network technician but I was never able to land a job. I think it was me having to always ask people to speak up or repeat things when I couldn't hear enough to figure out what they were saying. This was the first time the noise in my head was anything more than annoying. Now it is a screaming banshee in my ears and a lot more than just annoying. I did get a job at one of those call centers but with my hearing and all, that didn't last long enough to get past the probationary period. I was also able to get a job driving a trash truck but it beat me up pretty bad and I couldn't keep it up. I finaly just let my comercial license go so I wouldn't have to keep getting a health certificate to keep my drivers license. Gotta go.

New Day

  Well, after tossing around in bed for god knows how long, I gave it up and got out of bed. My lower back and hips get to bothering me after a little sleep and if anything disturbs me, I have a very hard time getting back to sleep. Cathy is always good for that. Bothering me that is. She'll start moaning and if I don't catch on with the first groan, she gets louder and will even start slapping my bed, or me if I'm close enough. Sometimes, she'll want to pee as many as 3 times in an hour. But, anytime around 4:00 or so, I should give her some of her medicine so it works out for everything except me sleeping. I don't sleep much anyway but I sure wish I could sleep all day everyonce in a while. I don't even get any relief when I get sick which happens a lot. Not real sick most of the time, but just a little dizzyness and nausea. I'm pretty sure that this problem is caused by whatever thing is causing the screaming in my head.  Sometimes, I would let the doctors give me something to try to maake things better but as usual, they're either not effective or they make me sick. I have gotten tired of all the shade tree, trial and error type practice of medicine.
  Well, I can see the light creeping around the blinds so it must be getting daylight. I needed to move around some to keep the aches from setting up in my hips and lower back so I made me some breakfast. It's almost always one of two variations. Either instant grits and eggs or those paper mache sausage and bisquits from the freezer and eggs. I almost hate those sausage and bisquits but they are filling and there is little clean-up from them. In fact, I use the paper towel from heating the bisquits to clean the pan where I cook the eggs. I hate washing dishes. Actualy, I hate any kind of house work or cleaning. I don't mind washing my hands a lot for safety but anything and everything else is a chore and a bother. Even taking a shower. I have to want to shower before I'm willing to stand up long enough and go through all the gyrations I have to go through to get a shower. I hate to shave too. that hurts almost as much as standing long enough to shower but it gives me a good opportunity to wash off so I don't smell. At least I can't smell me any more when I wash off. That doesn't really mean a lot as my smeller doesn't work very good but I do at least make the effort to keep somewhat clean. It sure would be nice to have on of those tubs with the comfortable seating positions and water jets to give me a massage and hand rails so I could get in and out. I've lived without such luxuaries for over half a century so I recon I'll get along without for the next 50 years. If I last that long.  I kinda hope for a long life but don't want to just have to continue suffering forever. My back and hips are starting to set up and ache again so I need to move around some. I'll just take care of the dogs and that will give me enough active movement to keep things from getting to painfull from just setting in place too long. BRB.
  Now its just after 7:00 am and I'm caught up with the dogs and feeding them and putting out fresh water. All the aches and small pains are in full force now.  I wish that all the hype about science based drug and health policies were not just false promises from Obama. Cannabis is the only thing I have found that helps my pain and a host of other problems but under the current system, I can't afford it since I've had to quit doing anything much except caring for Cathy 24/7. When I am lucky enough to get ahold of some, I have to save it for night so I can get some sleep. I would love to have a nice day most of the time. I'm not greedy and want every pleasure imaginable all the time but just to have a nice day with pain being tolerable and the screaming in my head not be able to drive me up a wall. Also, it would be nice to actually feel happy once in a while. Things used to didn';t be so bad before Cathy got down. I could make enough money doing work here and there that I could get to be able to afford to support myself at least.
  Well, count on Cathy to bring me back to reality. Here I am whining about all  my problems and here she is in a wolrd of hurt and depression herself. But she doesn't look at things the same way I do. She still has hope for things to get better. The most important things for her to accomplish, in her mind, are for her to be able to walk and cook for me and clean the house. I'm sure that if she were to reach those goals, she would want to go shoping and such that would be for her pleasure alone but anong her first priorities is little ol me.  While this is great for her and me when I can appreciate it, it kinda makes things worse in my mind. Here I feel humbled by her tenacity and the pain she endures but I also feel miserable and want things to be better for myself when I already have so much more than she does and mmost of what she wants it to take care of me and our home. How can I be so selfish when right in front of me, all day, every day, is someone thats is so much worse off than I am. Gotta go for now. all this self-examination isn't easy and causes me to need to get my mind elsewhere for a while.

Bedtime?

Well, its about10:30 PM and I'm kinda tired. I need to get to sleep so everything will go away.  Cathy has slept most of the day but is awake now and doesn't want to go back to bed. This is typical. It wouldn't be so bad if I could sleep in the day time but the best I have been able to do was like an hour and 20-30 minutes nap. At least that is since I quit drinking. If I could match her cycles, life would be a lot easier. As it is, I've had about all the pain I can stand today. But, I can't be demanding with Cathy or I will likely lose my temper. And she's starting now. She will try to push my buttons and the problem is she is pretty good at it. She may not be to smart but she knows me pretty good. Good thing I took a Xanax. I should go take a shower but don't think standing any time at all would be smart this late. Times like this, late and hurting, I think being sober ain't such a good idea. I gave her most of her medication at 9:00 so maybe by midnight, she'll be ready to take her Loratab and Xanax and soon be ready for sleep. She takes a lot of medication and I don't see how she does it. If I take a 0.5 mg Xanax, I'm going to lay down somewhere but I wake up feeling stupid for a while if I do anything like that so I can only take a .25 mg one. She takes a 1.0 mg Xanax and if its by itself, it don't faze her.
  Now her cousin is calling. She is a con artist 100% of the time. I have to let her talk to Cathy because she has so little in her life as it is. If I were to take her chance to have interaction with other people away from her, it would mean she has that much less to distract her from the knowledge she is dying. It sometimes gets rough on me as well as her but its a good thing for her spirits to have an active day. Well active for her anyway. If she would just have some comon sense.
  And her stupid dog won't leave me alone. I generally like dogs but this one is like the un-coordinated kid down the block. I don't mis-treat her and do pet her some times but I can't stand her.
  I am in the one place in life where I never thought I'ld find myself. I'm one of the worst people on earth to be responsable for taking care of someone else. I had to break a lot of personal barriers with our oldest son before he died, but I wasn't a good caretaker for him. I didn't pay much attention to my temper with him and I know I hurt him a lot of times when all he wanted was to spend some time with his father.  Heck, I wanted the same thing most of my life. I was in my late 30s when I came to understand that he had no interest in being my dad. There were times that I would drag the family with me and drive almost twelve hours to go see him and all he wanted to do was go off by himself and drink his beer. Then, one time, he was less  than 30 miles from where we lived and I offered to pick him up and drop him of anytime he wanted but the only way I could get him to come see us was to get his sister to put pressure on him to come see us. Then, when he did decide to come see us, he made me get him a six pack outside the base and he drank it before we got home and he wouldn't be more than polite with me or the kids till he just went to sleep. And when he woke up, all he wanted was to get back to base at some bar there.
  Things go through my mind all the time about some of the many ways I could have been nicer to Michael, my oldest son, and made his life more comfortable and happier. I always kinda figured there would be time to make things up to him, when I would even think about it. Then he was gone and I couldn't even tell him I was sorry or that I loved him. It has been easier to put the blame on the people that caused him to die but I could have, and should have done something the first time they made a serious mistake but I did nothing.  I finally said enough was enough and made them take him home where I stayed with him for three days while he would look out the window at nothing till his time was gone.
  Boy, the manure gets deep don't it. Well, this is my life and my attempt to figure out how to make it one that a man wouldn't mind being in. Not one where it more misery than anything else. I really need to make changes but I don't know what changes I need to make and if its even possible for me to make them. So I am going through things that made an impression on me deep enough to take notice of and maybe see some of the other things that I may not have payed attention to but are important too.
  Well, it's only 11:30 and I'm gonna give Cathy her medicine a little early. I sure wish she would go back to bed. I have a little smoke so I will be able to get a few hours if I can get to bed but I can't with her up. She will do things that hurt her and pay little to no attention to hurting herself till the pain/exaustion gets bad or she accomplishes whayever she is trying to do, if I don't keep an eye on her. Sometimes, I can't even stop her without a fuss so i just try to wait her out or maybe beg her sometimes and she'll feel sorry for me. Especialy when I've been doing things for her and the pain is real bad

Whats wrong with me?

Well, I should have kept this thing up a lot better but now it seems to be necessary for me to keep up a diary of sorts. I will try to document my life from now on to try to get a handle on things. I need to, maybe, be able to understand some of the things going on with me. I have a lot of problems and need to learn better how to cope with them.
My worst problem, as far as causing trouble for me and others as well, is my anger. It has caused me a lot of problems and needs to be gotten under control. Problem I have is, most of the drugs prescribed for me have side effects that make me more miserable and sick than I can deal with. I am so tired of taking pills and them making me sick and then the doctors say well you have to get used to it. Well, no I don't. I live in a world of pain, noise and anxiety mixed in with some anger and rage. I also suffer from depression so deep that tears will start running down my face at any moment during the day or night.
How do I cope? Barely. For the pain, I just avoid things that will make it worse if I can. When I have to do things to keep life moving, I just grit my teeth and jump in. Then I just suffer till things become bearable again. I can't take any of the normal pain medications without terrible side effects and I can deal with pain a lot better than being sick. Pain just makes me angry where sick makes me miserable. I do have one crutch that I use when available. That is cannabis. It is a poor substitute for relieving pain but it also makes what pain that it doesn't make go away bearable. It elevates my mood and I can say" well tomorrow is another day" and not dread having to face another day of misery. Don't get me wrong, it does reduce the amount of pain but I am normally in a great deal of pain. It also helps with the depression to some extent. It's most important benefit as far as safety is that it reduces my rage. I really have to watch getting angry because if I let things go, I can lose track of whats going on and do some great damage. Although I learned as a younger man to keep my hands off of other people, I haven't learned how to avoid the aggressive behaviour that comes with the rages. I haven't hit another human being in at least 30 years I think. Problem is I hit other things and sometimes I keep hitting them till something happens to change the situation, like pain becoming unbearable. I also have found myself becoming aware of my surroundings to find Cathy, my wife, in tears and frightened. of me. That hurts me longer and deeper than the fractured bones and cut up hands. She may not be the best human being on the earth, but she is my wife of over 35 years, the mother of my children, loyal to a fault, more concerned about me than herself, and just the sweetest thing I've ever had the fortune to know.
Back to coping. Another problem that I have is a loud screaming noise in my head. I've had it since I was old enough to remember. In fact, its one of the two earliest memories I have. Anytime it got quitet, I would hear a noise like the sound that an old tube type TV or radio would make when turned on and I was always looking to see who turned on the TV. The other one is kind of strange to make an impression on a small child but I was walkng down a neighborhood street with some adult, can't remember who, and a yard had cement blocks burried beside the pavement inside their yard. Kind of strange for something like that to be one of only two early memories i think. Anyway, I have never known a moments silence in my entire life. It may not be as big a deal as it is to me but it sure doesn't make things easy. Fortunatly, this is the easiest thing to deal with if I am left alone or only have one or two people around that don't need a lot of attention and don't make a lot of noise. I listen to music. Thank technology for MP3 players or I wouldn't be able to go out into the world hardly at all. Music that I know from my younger days and am comfortable with. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, I can find appropiate music. Everything from "Paint It Black" by the Stones to "Loving You" by Mini Riperton. There's just a lot of times I need people to let me be. Don't help. Don't talk. Don't hang around. Just let me be.
Anyway, back to the present. Today hasn't been to bad so far. I've been having big problems with my back for the past couple days. I had to work on the lawnmower Friday and was stupid enough to pick it up to set it on the garbage can to get at the blade to sharpen it. This is a cheap lawnmower that can't weigh 50 pounds. twenty years ago, I could have thrown that thing across the road and never given it a second thought as far as severe pain. Maybe a back ache overnight but I wouldn't have had to pay any attention to it the next day. Anyway, today is kinda normal if tolerable pain and noise are normal. But its only 1:00 so it can and probably will get worse. Cathy's becoming active and she can be a very needy person. We used to be kinda co-dependant and she took care of me and I kept the world at bay. Now I have to take care of everything. Oh well, duty calls.
Till next time.
Terry

P.S.

Here are a couple of pictures of my latest episode.