same ol same ol

  Well, its been a week and things are stagnant. This noise is terrible right now but that isn't unusual. I'm thinking about learning sign language. I don't know if I can keep going with this thing getting worse and worse for the next 20 years.
  Cathy is doing about the same. She wakes up in the morning in pain and spends about and hour and a half to two hours making my life miserable and then she gets worn out and spends most of the rest of the day in bed. But, she gets up again sometime later in the day and starts all over again. Can't blame the dear heart. I don't know how I'ld act in the same position. I recon being somewhat mentally underdeveloped helps some. I still try to keep her from believing she is dying and it still works most of the time.
  It's unbearably hot around here. two ACs trying to cool two rooms and a bathroom can't keep it below 87 inside sometimes. I walk outside and its like the air is too hot and too thick to breath. I'm in terrible shape. We can't afford it but I hired a kid to cut the grass for $30 today. I'm almost afraid for anybody to do anything around here in this heat for fear they might get sick and/or hurt and sue me. This house is the only thing I have of any value to sell after Cathy is gone to restart my life with, somewhere in a better climate. Maybe go up to Alaska. I always wanted to go there. In my condition, it would probably be a toss up as to weather I starved to death before I could freeze to death or vise versa.
  Seams like death is always near in my mind now days. My oldest son died a few years back and Cathy is near dying now and I don't know if I want to be around anymore myself. Maybe go back to being drunk all the time and won't have to care then. Its been a long time since I got into a bar fight. Wonder how things would turn out now days?
  Well, this is depressing enough for now. Later

good and not so good

  Cathy is somewhat stronger but not much. I had a another psych evaluation today and it was a joke. This was the most dis-interested guy I have ever seen. I feel bad about having to get a sitter for Cathy and leaving her for this appointment. She needs me pretty close right now and I abandoned her without anything worthwhile coming out of it. I think I'm going to give all my guns to my son, Joshua. He has been keeping them for me anyway. Multiple reasons for that but I think it best I don't have access to any guns anymore. I might shouldn't be thinking about all this. It makes things come up that I am doing my darndest to keep burried.

Don't know

  Cathy's not doing well. Her pulse and BP aren't as bad as they have been at times but its lower than recent times. She's either sleeping or crying in pain. I am giving her alcahol rubs on her feet abd legs and arms. She's back on oxygen. I'm hopeful.

My poor baby

  Cathy has been having a hard time of it lately. Her little heart just ain't strong enough any more. She is passing out/nodding off a lot now andf when awake, is obsessive about whatever is on her mind. Except for the time she has been out of it, she has spent today crawling around on the floor looking for beads she has dropped. Her mind is slowing down a lot. I hope this is just another bump in the road, like so many she has come through. Kinda tough.

not too bad

  Cathy has spent most of the day in bed. That has been a relief, not having to deal with her very much. My ankle is the worst thing left over from yesterday. I don't know if I mentioned it but I got my Xanax refilled and that helps with controling my anger when Cathy acts like she did yesterday. I shouldn't have to need anything to keep myself under control. I wish I didn't. I know that I love Cathy and should be treasuring every minuite with her instead of getting angry all the time. And my anger doesn't do any good for anybody. And it does hurt Cathy. Thats the worst part. Its not like she doesn't have enough pain and anguish in her life already. And I'm the best option she has. She ain't no angel but she never did anything to deserve all this misery layed on her. Hell, neither have I.

Back to suks

  Well, this morning was supposed to be a short but pleasant day at the flea market but turned out to be the usual argument about buying stuff she has no need for and no capabilities of taking care of. Plants mostly. I let her buy small shoes for her doll. I pushed her all over that place and just wore myself out as well as getting a lot of pain from my back, hips and ankle. I was just barely able to help her back into the van without falling down myself. And nothing I do is ever enough. Now I feel like shit and hurting and she is giving me problems. I have to keep in mind that no matter what happens, I love her and want what is best for her and for her to be as happy as she can in our circumstances. The alternative is not having her around and I am not going to be any better off without her no matter what goes through my mind at times. I'm gonna go lay down and straighten out my back for awhile. Later.

Skipped a day

  Well, I missed posting and it didn't hurt anything. may have been better off for it because I didn't let things come to the surface that bother me. I can't say that about the times when I write in this blog. I have to pay attention to what I'm doing and that leads to thinking and that leads to problems. Gonna try to take Cathy out somewheres this weekend and don't want anything bad coming to the surface before I do so I'm gonna forget about this thing till then. Unless something comes up without any outside influences. Later.

It must be love

  I gave in and am better off for it. Maybe not financially but I don't have the dreaded thoughts about leaving Cathy. I agreed to figure out a way to move her back to Mississippi. I need to find out how much her family is willing to help this time and hold them to it if thats possible. I don't think I'll count on anything that will make a difference in weather or not we have a place to stay or not but if I have to temporarily live in a camper and build an addition, I would be willing to expect them to help with building an addition but I would have to own the land and camper free and clear without depending on anyone else. I know that even a decent fifth wheel camper will be tight but maybe that will be easier for Cathy to get around in because there would be something to hold onto just about everywhere. Is this another fools errand? I think I can make it work. We have plenty of time to figure it all out. It would take me at least a year to get this place in condition to be saleable. Then, no telling how long before anyone might buy it. At least that will be one thing that won't be between me and Cathy anymore. Before today, I had been refusing to even consider moving back to Mississippi again and that may have been more important to her than I had realized. I hope having a goal that she wants will make things easier between us anyway. We'll see.

New day

  How does someone that has trouble getting normal people to understand him talk with someone that has difficulty understanding anything beyond what she wants at the moment? We can't keep going on like this. I can't keep on the way things are. At least the nurse at the clinic I go to called me back late yesterday and should have my Xanax refilled today. I recon that if I can expect Cathy to change the way she is acting, I can start taking the Xanax at regular intervals so I can have better control over myself. Its unreasonable to ask her to change without giving anything myself. Whatever happens, this will be the last person I allow to become such a large part of my life. Probably the last time anyone becomes any thing more than an acquaintance. I have enough problems of my own that I can't deal with, I don't need anyone adding to them. I am going to suggest to Cathy that if she can quit making things hard for me, and we can do it without getting ourselves in a worse situation than we are in now, I'll try to find a way to move us back to Mississippi. It seems that is what is important to her now. If we can even talk anymore. Last night was a pretty big blow up. Things may have gotten beyond anything that can be fixed. I don't know if I should even offer to move back . A lot of things would have to fall in place for us to be able to move back without making our situation worse. If I were to make a promise like that to her and things didn't work out, I don't know how badly she would react. I recon it couldn't get any worse than the way things are now. Its kinda hard to think things through with this noise in my head. Later.

good night not now

  Will I ever get any relief for more than a few hours? Cathy is going at it again. I'm almost ready to call someone to come get her. She is doing everything she knows will piss me off. She talked to her cousin again. She seems to get worse everytime she talks to that bitch. She has no comprehension of how bad she is affecting me. She doesn't want to. I don't know how to impress upon her that if she keeps making my life too miserable that I will not continue. At least I didn't knock a hole in the door or wall this time. The door to the other room is a lot tougher than the one to our bedroom. My hand hurts pretty bad though. I think it was the pain that made me stop beating on the door this time. I think I'd rather the door shatter than my hand. I hurt my ankle too stomping on a cooler. I don't know what to do. If I leave her to whatever fate would do to her without me, will I be able to live with myself?  If I don't have her anymore will I be able to live by myself? Is continuing this miserable existance worth the trouble?

Falling through the cracks

  I am still having problems with getting my Xanax refilled or even getting through to a human that is interested or even cares. I don't know what the problem is. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go down there and try to talk to someone because I don't think I can keep myself under control well enough to not get into trouble. I'm not afraid of trouble myself but I can't risk being detained for aany reason because I need to be able to take care of Cathy. It took me forever to get this clinic to see me. I don't know how to find another doctor here in Florida. No one wants medicaid parients here anymore. I need to get copies of any records I can get ahold of. Starting all the way back to 85 when I messed up my ankle and then 96 when I agrivated my back to where it hurts all the time and recently from when I started trying to get something done to help me make it through some of my troubles. Maybe someday, I'll find a decent health system. If I do, I don't want to depend on anyone to get my records in order and forwarded to where I need them to go. If I have copys of them myself, I'll know they are there when I need them to be there. Later.

good night

  Well, I had a good nights sleep last night. Best I've had in a while. I know I slept for at lesat 5 hours between first going to bed and catching a nap about 4:00 this morning.  Probably because I was so tired but I'll take it whatever the cause. After getting things loosened up, I could actualy feel good if it weren't for the ever present noise.  Cathy is still resting and all is OK with me for now. Hurray, at least for now.

A friend indeed

  A friend had a laptop computer that I checked out for him as well as some pieces of junk he got at some auction. He came to pick up the laptop and left me a small gift.  I feel much better now. I don't have to be afraid to go to sleep again tonight. As bad as things get, its much worse if I can't sleep without such bad dreams. I don't even want to go to sleep when I know that I'm liable to have them. Anxiety and rage have nothing on waking up in a panic and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It takes me a long time to settle down when it happens. I just can't lay down and try to go back to sleep. So I'm tired, sore and afraid to go back to sleep. I seem to get pretty active during some of those type dreams. I normaly toss and turn when I sleep but I wake up fighting whatever demons my mind has conjoured up during some of them. Being trapped in a cardboard box with cars running me over and being in a fire fight with no amunition or a jammed gun or can't find my gun. Not fantasy demons but just as terrifying as anything anyone could make up. Or at least I don't remember any fantasy type nightmares. Just the fighting and running or trying to run or escape type.
  When you think your life is about as bad as it can get, something reminds me it can get a lot worse. Thank god Cathy has been being good so far today. Maybe she noticed I have been a little touchy since I ran out of Xanax. I couldn't even get anyone on the phone at the clinic I go to today. Why do I accept being the one that always falls between the cracks so to speak. Hell, why do I always fall between the cracks. Even the most important person in my world doesn't show any concern for me except when I lose it and let her know some of what I suffer through to stay with her and take care of her. My son that we gave everything to so he wouldn't feel like the poor relative growing up doesn't even hardly call and only came by when he was finished vacationing and going back to his motel to rest before returning to his home. I can't realy blame him for not having much to do with Cathy and me. We aren't very lively or interesting or anything and there just ain't that much to talk about between us I recon. Can't continue.

Bad night

  Well, this was a terrible night. Very little sleep and I woke up twice in a panic from nightmares. Can't remember now exactly what they were about but I was terrified when they woke me up. I finaly quit even trying to go back to sleep. I don't like sleep like that. Cathy didn't sleep well either. At least not untill I got up and stayed up. Now, she's sleeping like a baby. I recon I'm gonna fix some breakfast so later.

Cathy should be happy

  I fixed a drawer for her cabinet this morning and found her earrings she had been making me miserable over for over a month. Then she wants a full on cooked meal. And I have been having those strange pains again. They feel like a stabbing, hot, touchy pain. I can press on the spot without any distress from the touch but let something just brush up against it or very light pressure and it hurts like all get out. It's been a few weeks since they were a problem but they can sure add problems when I already got plenty. And I don't think my doctor cares much. He doesn't really listen to what I say all the time but like everyone else hears what he wants or expects to hear. The last time I saw him, he said he doesn't really need to see me again unless something comes up. And now, he's on vacation with me not able to get my medication refilled till he gets back. I thought he might be different when I first met him and he is definitely not as bad as a lot of the ones I've seen in the past but I don't believe I'm anything more than a step on his path in life and easily dismissed. And I'm having trouble finding a friend that can help me out so things are gonna suk for a while. I can live with the short sleep but I have terrible nightmares when I don't have anything to help me sleep.   Anywhere from just frightening and torturous to extremely violent and always frustrated to do anything in them. And Cathy was demanding my attention when we went and got a few groceries and I forgot about anything I wanted. I wanted to look at some of the computer games disks that have a bunch of old type games pretty cheap. Solitaire and hearts are OK but it might be better if I had some variety in my distractions. Be able to keep my mind off things for longer and maybe not be quite as easily dominated by either pain or the noise in my head. Sometimes, there isn't anything I can do to keep the depression from making me cry. Not really crying but tears just running down my face and won't stop. gotta go. Cathy wants something and won't leave me alone.

Really suks again

  Another day and I can't get my Xanax refilled because my doctor is on vacation. As soon as I start depending on anyone besides myself , they fuk things up for me. I doon't know why things are getting so bad right now. I actually had a decent nights sleep for me. I slept for almpst 5 hours straight. And I took a short nap before the sun started showing. Having a hard time even putting a complete sentence together. tears won't stop. Cathy's a little week and she is having some confusion today. I'm going to have to call a friend for a little help. Can't be acting like this when Cathy needs me to help her. And now she's passing out again. later

suks again

  Don't know why I bother with this. Don't know why I bother with anything. Cathy woke up around 3 and kept getting me to do things till I lost any chances of getting back to sleep. Playing cards on this thing gets pretty boring after 3 or 4 hours. I think I'll look into some of the cheap game disks with a lot of old simple games to play so I might find something else besides solitaire and hearts. Don't know why my poker site quit playing free games. I don't realy gamble. I have lost about maybe $60 between all the casino visits and on-line gambling over the years. It would be easy for someone to convince themselves that they could win more than lose. At least there is one bright spot to being brutally honest with ones self  and that keeps me from being too big a fool with things like gambling and being scamed for a suker. It doesn't keep me from making bad deals and coming out on the losing end but I don't care that much about things and or money as long as I have what I need. There have been two areas of my life where I have consistantly been willing to take a loss and they won't be a problem any more soon. My mothers other surviving son was one of those and he won't even come around unless theres something in it for him so I won't be dealing with him ever again more than likely and Cathy's life is on a short string and I won't be worried about making her happy any more after she's gone so that covers almost all of my weak points. If I didn't have this noise in my head all the time, I could do what. Fool myself into thinking I could be normal. Forget about the pain I endure and the depression and rages I  swing back and forth through all the time. I can't even fool myself into focusing on one thing to blame all my problems on. How do people fool themselves all the time? Reality has to show up sometime or another. How do they handle knowing their entire existance is a fraud. I know my mothers other surviving son has a big problem letting the truth enter his world. I backed him into a corner one time and showed him where all his self worth was based on total lies and he couldn't even speak for a little while and when he was able to get himself back together, he just up and left. Maybe its easier to be happy when your whole world suks if you can keep telling yourself "I'm the best" "I'm better than you" . Thats him all over. I just don't see how anyone can keep telling themselves such lies when the world shows them they are wrong. I can't. Maybe get somewhere that I can depend on public transportation and start drinking again. That got me half way through my life with better results than I've had since I quit drinking. I'ld probably get hurt or killed if were to start drinking again. I had little resistance to getting angry when I was drinking and did get into a few scraps back then. Even got arrested for going after the landlord with a shotgun once. God I've got to figure out what to do.

Bad nap

  I finaly got a short nap. didn't need the Xanax which is a good thing because I'm out. Feels like I took some though. I can't shake the fog out of my brain. There is something else worrying me too. I have this jagged area at the edge of my vision. Don't know any better way to describe it.  It was there this morning and I thought it was dirty glasses or something but cleaning my glasses didn't help. My doctors on vacation for this week so I can't get my Xanax refilled till he come back. I thought that was the reason for clinics, so there would always be someone to take up slack for times like this. I never get any help from doctors when all is said and done. They are worse than shade tree mechanics with a degree. "We'll keep trying something till we kill you or cure you. And if we can't do either, we'll just tell you its all in your head. " Jackasses, all of them. A revolution is what we need. Teach all the jackasses that think they are better than everyone else and their education and economic status gives them rights and  privlidges above the rest of us. And make public deception the crime instead of cannibis and other drug posession. Hang them all like Iran does people that use drugs. Bet we could get an honest government then. Right now, we have a branch of our government that is in place for the sole purpose of decieving and incarcerating the public. ONDP and the chief liar, the drug czar. I would like to know who the shadow government is made up of that keeps making their agendas priority no matter who gets elected. I would be willing to take up the cause of elimenating them after Cathy's time is done. They deserve no better than assination with extream prejudice. And then move on to the politicians that lie and use fear monger tactics to gain political power and control people instead of exploring truth and honesty. We need to go back to regulating all media sources so no person or group of people can gain control of mmore than one single media outlet and make it stronger by making that restriction across the entire country. Deregulation is the lie put out that is  allowing a few people to consolidate enough power to run this country without ever running for government office.Bad things are running through my head right now so I gotta go.

Garbage day

  Well, its another day. Sun is coming up and I haven't gotten much sleep. Cathy's brother came back but I wouldn't let them stay again. He is a capable truck driver but working interferes with his drinking so he doesn't want to work. When he does, he just throws his money away at truck stops buying mostly junk. so he is always broke with no home to go to and looking for a handout. Crying about "someone could give him a car and he wouldn't have to borrow anybody's car to get around. He sold his vehicle for spending cash to avoid going to work the last time he had one. I had to make sure I was out of Cathy's hearing but I told him he wasn't allowed to even spend the night here any more. Still pissed off this morning. Probably why I can't sleep. They didn't leave till after 1:00 in the morning. I finally got some sleep but only about 2 1/2 hours. Cathy woke up needing to use her potty chair and is sore from going to the beach about 3:00 and I never got back to sleep. Yet. Maybe I will be able to get a nap later. Anyway, the reason they came back down here was they had some how gotten her grand daughter and were forced to bring her back to her mother. The only reason they wanted the baby was to get a welfare check on her. And the way they got the baby was to call the police on her own daughter talking about shooting drugs and she is ashamed to admit that her  daughter was even related to her doing such stuff. And this bitch grabbed Cathy's liquid  morphine and took a big swig when Cathy was fresh out of the hospital. I ran them off then and should have blocked any calls from either of them. They would have just found another phone to call from if I had so why bother and give Cathy something to upset her. Well, yesterday wasn't too bad till they showed up so I guess I cab say I had a good day at least once so far this month and it's only one day old. One good day out of one is a pretty good ratio. Too bad I'm not stupid enough to believe that crap. But it was still a decent day till they showed up. I need to keep awareness of any good times up. later.

Went to the beach today

  As usual, I screwed it up. This time, I did screw it up but she could have at least appreciated my efforts. But she wouldn't have been satisfied if I had gotten drinks and dogs and everything set up before hand. She wanted to ggo to Walmart and buy more of the same shit she has and hasn't even started to use yet. It hurt me to get her down into the water and back. it's kinda tough walikng in that sand alone but having to walk her and me going backwards was even harder. We didn't even try her wheel chair in that sand and I wasn't gonna let her get in the water with it either. I had bought her a pretty good float and she did enjoy laying in that as long as I was beside her to keep her safe. I went and got some sun screen so no sun burns. I realy should have planned better. That sunscreen cost $18 on the beach. No cooking, dishes or anything not absolutly necessary after we got home. Not even a shower. Maybe this weekend.
  All in all, I'd say it was one of my/our better days so far. We'll see what the rest of the evening brings. Later.