Here we go

Sunday morning and Cathy feels bad and is mad because I gave her brother $5 in change out of her purse to get cigarettes. I can't say much to her. We are broke and doing without things already ourselves. But she doesn't have to just keep on and on and on about it though. She is going to make a bad situation worse if she keeps it up. Maybe it is time for both of us to move on. Impossible. Cathy has no thoughts of doing anything herself besides stating" I want to go home to mama". Her mother has been dead for many years. And I can't do anything to cause harm to her. And I'm a coward when it comes to such a permanent solution. So I will suffer. And Cathy will suffer. And Cathy will make sure I will suffer. This suks. Later.

This suks

  Just about the worst thing that can happen without someone getting hurt or dying has come to pass. Cathys younger brother wound up without a place to stay in my area. I can't just put my foot down and say no because of Cathy. He's her little brother and she is blind to all his crap. He is as bad as my mothers other surviving child. They both are liars and want someone else to take care of them. And they ain't above ripping me off. I hate having people in my house at all and its way worse having anyone I can't and don't trust in my home. And his girl friend is just as bad. Cathy was in bed and almost dead when she, the girl friend, decides to take a big swig of the liquid morphine that was keeping Cathy's pain under control after she came home from the hospital this last time. And we can't afford them either. Cathy has already given him money for cigarettes and we can't afford to feed them either. But Cathy can't see that. I am going to give them a few days for him to find a truck driving job. That is the way they choose to live and they are welcome to it. They could do well if they would just act responsably with their money. They will see something in a truck stop and buy it for twice the price and then go park in a Walmart parking lot where if they would pay attention, they could get just about everything they could want or need and save a lot of money. they had a dog they would feed nothing but hamburgers, and not the cheep ones either.
  Well, at least I've gotten a little better control over my temper right now. But Cathy is trying to change that. This has been a long day. I need Cathy to go to bed. I need me to go to bed and go to sleep. That is the only way I can be without pain and not have the sirens screaming in my head is to be unconsious. And i don't sleep well, even when I have some help. Gotta get to work on getting Cathy to go to bed.

Two days down the road

  Yesterday wasn't a good day. I tend to over react when people with their systems that are supposed to help people turn out to be more for the people running them and the people funding them than the people they are there to help. Its one more way of saying, " Look what we are doing to help you." but keep the people that need the services the most away there-by making sure they don't have to spend the money on the poor but can build baseball stadiums in Mississippi and ice hocky stadiuns in Florida. All the things that attrack people with money while telling the poor powerless peoplehalf truths and lies about how they're doing so much for them. All they are doing is keeping them poor and using the prision- industrial system to keep them in line and prevent their voice from being counted at voting time so the people that need some change most from upsetting their little cart of goodies that only they and their chosen circles get access to. They cut funding for education, knowing full well that an educated public isn't as likely to follow their rhetoric and believe their half truths and lies as one that doesn't have a good education. The education given our children in the public school system is almost worthless. My son graduated on the honor roll from highschool and doesn't posess the knowledge that I learned just on the edge of what was acceptable at the junior high level when I went to school. I got a better education with failing grades three years behind the grade level of where my son graduated with honors. And its not because he is lacking in inteligence either. He's just as smart as I am. Maybe a little smarter since he had the good sense to work where the physical load isn't one that will break you down before your time. But he doesn't have the problems with anger and social skills that I do so it seems to be a lot easier for him to fit in and prosper within the "normal" world. I'm glad for him. I just wish I could have done a better job of  raising him and thers no telling where he could have gone. He had scholarships available after he graduated HS but wouldn't take advantage of them.
  Sometimes, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. Cathy is so needy, and persistant enough that she won't be ignored when she wants something. She does what I call "loud talking". She'll sit in her bed just going on and on about whatever it is she wants or wants to do and makes sure the phrases like "it wouldn't hurt you to ?" are loud enough for me to hear in the next room. If i ignore her long enough, she'll struggle and get herself up enough to get to the bedroom door and see where I am and what am I doing. She puts herself at risk of falling and hurting herself when doing that so I don't ignore her unless I'm in a state of mind where it's either best I don't respond to her or sometimes, I just can't. Hell, sometimes I have to just beg her to let me be. She needs someone that has a better grip on themselves to take care of her but I'm all she has when it comes down to it. Gotta go.

Why Bother

Well, I don't know what to do. The system here is one of "my way or the highway". They probably can't do anything to help me but I have to quit doing anything that is not acceptable to them before they will even tell me that they can't do anything for me. Meaning, I have to lose the only sleep aid that works without unacceptable side effect and the same thing for the pain. And then, the first appointment date available is an unknown date that is at least two months away at the earliest. And Cathy is gonna be Cathy. I can't really fault her with wanting me to talk with her and help her do things. Other than loving each other, we have nothing in common. She likes to gossip and will exagerate so much as to just tell an absolute lie. I don't want to hear gossip. I can't stand a lier. Anything I try to talk to her about, she either can't comprehend what  I'm trying to get across or she just doesn't want to hear. The little projects she likes to work on, she isn't capable of doing without help and I help as often as I can but I can't concentrate or keep from getting frustrated and not able to help near as much as she would like. I don't know what to do. If I abandon Cathy, she won't live long and will be miserable for whatever life she has left. But my life is becoming unbearable and she is part of the problem. And even if I just got off by myself, there is no path I can think of that will let me live without being miserable for the rest of my life. I can't see any help that will actually help without doing more harm than good. Sometimes I do think it would be better to just quit and jump off this world. Good thing I'm a coward about some things I guess. I should have already been out west where there are enough people with a little sense about cannabis that I might be able to get a little help. I have given in to Cathy till we have next to nothing left. And Cathy would have difficulties trying to make such a trip safely. And we wouldn't have anywhere to live at least for a while which would make things hard on Cathy. And we probably can't get enough out of this place to get even a modest trailer on its own lot. And Cathy would have to part with a lot of her junk. So I'll wait till she dies. I can still live out of the van long enough to find a cheap place and I can get by in a cheaper place that I would need if I were to have to make it suitable for me and Cathy. But I don't want her to die. But I am going to be miserable as long as I hever to care for her. But I don't want her to die and leave me alone. and I don't know of any situation where I would/could find someone to join me in living the rest of my life. You know that old W.C.Fields joke, "I don't think I'ld care to join an originzation that would have me for a member."
  Saying things like that as often as I do, I wonder if I realy like myself.  maybe its enough to just be comfortable with who I am and not worry about the way circumstances within and around me force me to act. I do make great efforts to be nice to deserving people and even animals. I once enjoyed hunting and being out in the woods and all that but no one in my family wanted to eat the meat from squirels or deer and I can't see trophy hunting to kill something for anything other than to feed my family. Now, when I get hungry I can eat wild meat without a second thought if the need were to arrise but I also found out that I'm not supposed to own or carry a firearm. Even though I was only 17 when I got into serious trouble, I was tried and sentenced as an adult. And it was serious only to the police and prosecuting attourney, using and posessing drugs. They wouldn't even let me join the military after that. Even the Marines, who were the only ones that even tried to get me in couldn't get a waiver for me. Now, if I had shot and killed someone, I wouldn't have had any problems. I was pretty good at hiding things wrong with me then. I'm not as tough now as I used to be though. And things are a lot worse and much harder to hide now days.
  God this noise is persistant. I think if I could get it to go away and let me still be able to hear, I could have a chance at something close to a normal life. Is there really any such thing as a "normal life"? We used to live in a subdivision where "normal" people lived and they played with us as kids but we kinda went different paths as everyone grew up. I never was able to "fit in" like my brothers did. And my sister didn't really fit in either. If ti weren't for granny, she wouldn't have lived no where near as long as she did. I feel bad about not being a better brother to her sometimes. I generaly try to avoid thinking about such troubling thing as i don't deal with them well. Gotta go.

Just another day in paradise

Things are going relativly well. With a decent amount of sleep, and taking the edge off the pain, I can at least have a little while of feeling OK. Cathy gave me a reminder of why I am willing to do whatever it takes to take care of her. She woke up crying and asking for me. "Wheres Terry. Terry. Terry." I'm the one she depends on. I'm the one she trusts to take care of her and knows that I'm her mate, protector, and as concerned with her well being as much if not more than my own. She's the only sign that there is a god of some kind. She is dumber than dirt, but is always saying and doing some little thing at just the right time to let me know she does love me. She's not really that dumb, but she is slightly retarded in her development and has been regressing somewhat in the last few years. She seems to have a reset mechanism of some sort that triggers inside her brain and makes things alright for her. She can't always accept the truth and will just go about life as if there never was whatever the situation happens to be that doesn't fit into her world. Thats what I need, a reset button. Then I could lie to myself and believe everything was alright without any consequences when things got to shit. Just hit reset and everything is alright again. No muss, no fuss.  Sometimes, Cathy's doesn't reset quickly enough. It is generally me that causes her worst problems. Sometimes not. I hate it when it is me. She is such a gentle soul.
  Gotta go.

Not much hope.

Well, I got through the psych evaluation but just barely. I was thinking about leaving after an hour and a half of waiting but they finaly called me back before it got that far. The girl that did the evaluation seemed more concerned with procedures and regulations that a patient. Told me that she wants to set me up with psychiatric appointment but I will have to be "clean" or they won't help me. I don't smoke cannabis just because I like it, I need help with pain and sleep and the pharmacuticles they keep trying to shove down my throat either make me sick or stupid or have no noticable effect at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm no hypricrite so I'll admit that I would probably smoke it at least everyonce in a while because I do like the way it makes me feel. Maybe I wouldn't smoke it if I felt alright normaly, but I'm far from alright under any circumstances. I don't like feeling like a crook all the time because of cannabis but I hate the pain without relief and not sleeping as well as anxiety and all the other things that are in me. It doesn't do a lot to help the periods of rage though. The Xanax actualy does seem to help with the rages. I have snapped a few times since I started taking it but have been able to catch myself before I did anything more than just react. Like I will react but can catch myself and stop things from getting so far as for me to become so enraged that I need someone or something to intervene to keep me from hurting anyone. I'm the one that gets hurt for like over thirty years I think but it has had a lot of luck involved too. Meaning that I will beat on a wall or anything else besides people so far. And the brokens bones all belong to me. mostly just one hand is messed up from me getting angry but I believe I have fractured something in or next to my elbow one time when I messed up a door and the wall behind it. That was the last time I lost control by the way. As much as I hate the Xanax, it does seem to work somewhat. I had a near miss one time during winter when I had to find a heater late in the evening but I don't think I was taking any at that time. That may have been when I decided to not go out unless absolutly necessary without taking one ahead of time so it would be working before I ever leave the house. See how easily I get confused. and about an incident that was important enough to stick in my mind but not as clearly as I thought it was a few months ago. I can't even remember when I started taking the Xanax. Can't remember when the incident in the Walmart parking lot was either. Just that we had to have a heater which would mean it was winter, or at least cold.. Thats what I don't like about taking things like Xanax, even at such a low dose as 1/4 milligram. It just makes me stupid. I can't seem to follow through on a thought process, kinda like the typical stoner on TV.
  Later.

A long day

  Poor Cathy is wanting to talk to someone so bad, shes having a conversation with a recorder. I wish she had a friend. At least she isn't bothering me every five minutes. I finally got a shower tonight. I have a doctors appointment in the morning. I sure hope I'm not just wasting my time with all these doctors appointments. I'm pretty sure tomorrow is just an evaluation. I'm gonna be disappointed if I just learn that theres nothing I can do other than what I'm doing already to cope with things. My dad told me that he had an uncle with the same kinda noise and his got so bad, he had surgery to cut the nerve that carries signals from the ears. I don't think I could do that. One of the few pleasures i have in this world is music and I would miss it terribly if I were to allow someone to make me deaf. I don't think something like that would help either. I'm pretty sure that the noise makes my anxiety worse a lot of the time but i don't think its the root cause of it. Just don't know.
   I'll be glad when Cathy decides to go to bed. She finally found someone to talk to and don't show any sign of shutting up and going to sleep. I'll set the alarm clock to be safe but I'm always up way before it ever goes off. I'll have to remember to take a Xanax before I leave. Last time I  tried to go through a psych evaluation, I had to get up and walk out before it even got good and started.  I'm pretty sure that broad didn't want to be there when I went to see her. She shows up late and has two big dogs with her. Then as she unlocks the door and goes inside, she stops and turns around and locks the steel gate back and says she'll be with me in a few minutes. Sure, I figure shes gonna put the dogs up. No way. a few minutes later she comes and unlocks the gate and motions me to come on in and the dogs are still at her side. She starts off with something to the effect of " I hope you don't mid the dogs. They go everywhere with me". OK, I like dogs and these seem well behaved so we go into her office with the dogs checking me out for a few seconds. Still not to big a deal. She has a fan going underneath a table blowing air to nowhere. I try to explain about the problems I have with hearing and understanding her with a noise that close and would she mind turning it off. No way. First she starts off with it for privacy because it makes it hard for anyone to over hear our conversations. Theres no one else there but me and her. I point that fact out to her and she comes back would I like to reschedule the evaluation? No, I've made arraignments to be able to be there to do it so lets go ahead and do it. would she pleas turn of the fan so i would be able to understand her when she talks. No. She keeps it on for a distraction. i had to get up and walk out before I lost control. I just didn't know any way to handle it without telling her what I thought of her, and that might have gotten me locked up there in Mississippi. Think the "good ol boy' and family and friends getting preferential treatment and just pure outright corruption is a thing of the past? Go to Mississippi.and learn history that hasn't changed on decades. Teen agers in county vehicles at the Sonic on a Saturday night. People like the broad getting paid for doing a job and making every effort to avoid having to do it. Sometimes, I just don't see anyplace for me in this world as I get older and am not able to sustain my own existence without living amongst people. Well, I don't like where things are heading so I'm gonna quit. Later

Another early morning

Well, I've been here since between 3 and 4 but don't seem to be able to clear my mind by playing solitaire so far. If I don't make to get back to sleep soon, the daylight will make it much harder to do so. Not really a lot going on this morning. But that damn clock keeps on dinging away the hours. Aw, its not that big a deal. Just a reminder that daylight is coming. And this ain't helping me get back to sleep so later.

Well, not so bad

Here it is, 9:00, and everything is calm. Our nephew came by today for a short visit and that was enjoyable. His wife and children were with him. They have all changed in the last year and a half or so since we've seen them. I tried to take some pictures but couldn't figure out how to get the shutter control out of delay mode and the kids wouldn't stay still long enough for the camera to take the shot. I'll see if I got anything where we can see the kids later. I did look up a users manual on the internet and downloaded it to get the timer problem cured. I had inadvertently pushed a button that I didn't notice it when it happened. All in all, I'd say today was kinda boring after a few morning flare ups. but  that is good right now. Boring is calm. We went  to Walmart for some groceries and I just knew Cathy was gonna rag me about wanting some plants but I let her be by herself in the craft isle while I went and picked out the groceries. Canned tuna fish, sandwich stuff and frozen heat-em up dinners and sausage with biscuits. Don't forget the eggs. My best dish that doesn't go in the microwave with instructions. I am aware there are devices for cooking eggs in the microwave but I think frying them is better.  The pan is teflon coated and I don't have to wash it every time I use it. I just wipe it out real good while its still hot with a paper towel. I do wash the dishes when ever they get a pile of them but we mostly use styrofoam plates and plastic spoons. The frozen dinners have their own plate/tray to eat out of so that chore doesn't cause too much of a problem. I had things where I could do a better job at the place in Mississippi. This place is just a mess. the kitchen was remodeled by a drunk about 20  years ago and never finished. The counter top sets loosely on an assortment of jury rigged cabinet frame that has no front and a stand alone cabinet from the 40s or 50 holding up the very end of it. And the drain just runs out on the ground so I have to wipe the the scraps and bits of food off or out of anything I wash to keep from making a big mess outside. Its just a lot easier to not use things that need washing too much. well, boring means nothing much happened to talk about and I don't want to dig into anything problematic for me so I'm gonna have a little smoke, play some solitaire and go to bed whenever I can talk Cathy into it.          Good night.

Short time

Well, that didn't last long. Maybe 3 hours? I don't know how two people as different as me and Cathy ever lived together for over 35 years and didn't wind up killing each other. Does she just exist to destroy any sign of joy in my world? Sometimes, I just don't know. I married Cathy in a short amount of time after we met and, even though we aren't very compatable, we are still together and still together after all these years. although, that might not have come to pass if she were capable of taking care of herself. Sometimes, I wonder weather or not I love her at all or do I just feel sorry for her. Naw, I love her and will ? I don't know what I'll do when shes not with me any more. I know that it will be a relief to not have that pressure but I won't have her any more.
  This time, I'm gonna try to not run away when things get touchy for me but follow through with trying to think things out.
  Can't do it.

A good nights sleep

It feels so good to get some sleep. I didn't wake up for a little over four hours. And I'm gonna get a short nap in a little while. God it feels good not to be so tired. And I didn't notice but it wasn't pain that made me get up. My hips and back are just noticeable as I sit here typing. Cathy woke up as I was getting up to go to the bathroom and I had to help her to her potty chair and I was actually  able to be nice and supportive. And I knew it couldn't last.  She wanted a fruit cup just now instead of going back to sleep and I was happy to get it for her and open it and get her set up in bed and ready to eat it. I had to pull her up and pulled my back out again.  For some reason, she always winds up with her feet against the foot of the bed and has to be pulled up to eat or mess with her stuff or whatever reason she might have to need or want to set upright. So now my back is hurting again but I'm still being nice. Even while she sets there bitching and going on about this one or that one dragging up things that are a year past and nothing but grief comes from dredging up about who stole money from her purse when she was staying at her brothers in Mississippi last year. I wish she would just let go of things like that. I also wish she would leave me alone every once in a while. She ain't quit since she finished that fruit cup. But, I will not let her spoil a few moments or actually feeling nice in spite of the pain in my back now. I turned her music  on but lowered the volume some and she isn't running off mouth so much now. Whups, spoke too soon. There she's going at it again. But its alright. Well, at least for now, I'm gonna just ignore it and do my thing so I can get a little nap so I won't get tired to early later today. And it feels good to sleep for the pure pleasure of it and not just to be unconscious so I won't feel any pain. And Cathys getting a little quieter instead of talking just loud enough to make sure I here enough of what shes saying to be affected by it. She'll soon be asleep herself I believe. And I'm not going to get angry. God she needs someone better at this compassion shit than me. I know shes not just trying to get me started but she does a good job of it without even trying. I recon she just wants to take advantage of any time where I'm not ready to bite her head off to get me to do some of the little things I get so tired of doing over and over and over and over again. Like threading a needle for her to string those beads. I told her she need to just put that stuff down and go back to sleep because thats all I am going to do is go back to sleep. Dam, she is relentless. And here comes the day light. there goes my nap. Between her mouth and the time creeping on till daylight, I'm not gonna be able to have my nap just for the pleasure of it. That suks.  I recon I'll go ahead and put the dogs out and feed them. And they just want to mess with me. Not go outside and play or eat or use the bathroom, they want me to play with them. And Cathy wants another dog. And some more plants.
  O well, life goes on. At least I had a decent nights sleep and actually felt good for a little while. And still don't feel bad enough to let it make me ill. even if Cathy keeps her shit going, I'm gonna have a good day. At least compared to most of the last few weeks. Later.

good day and bad

  Well, the deal I was working on worked out on both ends so I feel a might better, and no where as much pain. I have to ration things so I make it last as long as possible. But Cathy has been a problem all day. She has spent the whole day in bed and is kinda week. she has also been very needy today, and not always willing to be nice. I try to be understanding with her but, even at my best, I'm no good at it. My best is to just try to be quietly helpful.  Make sure if she needs anything, she has it, and that ain't easy. I don't know why but she'll tell me all the things she doesn't want and I still have to ask her what she does want. Sometimes she just wants me to listen to her gripe it seems like. I try but its never enough. Like taking her to the flea market. I walk her through the entire thing, buy her shoes for a doll I despise and even a wooden jewelry box for her junk. She's still mad today that I wouldn't buy her any plants. I bought some tomato plants to put in planters on the porch, but she wants something different and don't know even what she wants. And I'm the one that has to take care of anything she gets. And she's still trying to find something to bitch about. She just asked me if I need the living room light on and its not even on. God, I don't want her to die but, I need her to get better. She started that shit  about wanting to go home to her Mama and Daddy (they're both dead by the way) but its all just to make me feel bad about something or another. I told her all she had to do was quit eating like she did when she came out of the hospital, but she didn't even slow down on her supper. I feel bad about it after I say things like that because she only has a child's mind and can't see what it does to me. Here I am working my butt off trying to make her life good enough to at least hang around and see if anything gets better but nothing I ever do is enough. And except for the problems I bring into her world, she ain't got it that bad. Not counting the fact that she's dying. But I'm always pushing her to not believe it and it been going on for over two years so far and she's still going strong, for someone in her shape. She can over do it just a little and she gets too week to even sit up sometimes for days. She'll sit up to eat and with me feeding her, she will just get too tired and wants to lay back down. That little heart of hers ain't very strong but it always keeps on beating. Sometimes as slow as 40 something beats a minute and way low blood pressure but it keeps on beating.
  Gotta go.

Five oclock and alls not well.

I have been paying for yesterdays trip to the flea market. My hips and ankle are killing me. I'm pretty sure 'm gonna sell that welder today. I have a little something lined up already if I do. It'd been a few weeks since I had something of my own and depending on friends to stop by just ain't good enough. I really don't have but two friends. And they ain't what I really call friends. They only come see me when they are bored or one of them will come by when he wants someone intelligent to talk to about his problems. Cathy has had a bad time the latter part of this night, or most of the morning depending on how you look at it. I haven't had a real friend around in over twenty years. I've only had two or three my entire life and one of them was my older brother. And he didn't treat me worth a shit till I finally got angry before I thought about him beating up on me most of my life. I reckon he just never had any respect for me till I showed him, and me, that I could actually hurt him if he jumped on me. We were working on a shopping center in the Ft. Walton area and he got mad about something and I was already mad because he had been riding me and we both seemed to blow up about the same time. We  were on top of the main store and started at it and jumped all the way down and kept at it till I just got ahold of him and started giving him back some of the grief and poundings he had given me all my life. Up to that point in time anyway. From then on, we were pretty close. More like partners and actually became very good connecting partners. Thats a pair of men that work well together while hanging the steel when there ain't nothing there till we put it there, with the help of ground crew and a crane, sometimes two cranes depending on what we were setting. We did a gymnasium once that had a clear span of something like 70 feet or more and were setting pre-stressed concrete roof panels and they took a crane on each end to lift and set in place. Doing things like that, you have to be good and know what each other is going to do. Our lives were always depending on each other when we were hanging steel, or concrete panels. We had a guy we liked working with us in Mississippi one time on a concrete architectural design piece made from concrete panels and the D-ring used to hook the panel for lifting  came loose and the panel fell on him and killed him instantly. It was the fabricators or more specifically, the piece embedded in the concrete that the bolt screws into to hold the D-ring that was at fault. But blame doesn't matter when your dead. That was the same company that we were working for that got Kenny killed. When I look back on things. Kenny was important to my stability all my life. when we were shipped off to this family or that one, we always went together. Robbie and Jennifer always had one place to go but me and Kenny just got sent to who ever would take us. Thats how I met my Dad for the first time in my memory. Mama had a boyfriend that didn't want any more kids than his own grown son and she made arrangements through Dad's mother to get us to him. Grandma was the only way he could be found because Mama used to keep draging him into court about child support every time she found out where he would run away to. Anyway, two times in my life, Kenny was taken away without me and both times, I went to shit. The first time, he went to jail for 5 years. I started doing drugs pretty good then. I wound up going to jail when shortly after I turned 17. In Florida, you go to big boys jail when you are over 16. I was the youngest person there till a few weeks before I got out. I wasn't at that place more than two weeks before I told them to stick it up their ass. I wasn't a slave and wasn't going out in the swamps and ditches doing road work for them. They had a place for people with an attitude problem. They stuck me in the hole and liked to starved me to death. I only got let out because I would pass out from just standing up in my cell. I had lost alomst half my body weught during those few weeks. And it was always dark except when the guards would bring the cups of baby food they would feed us. And they would bring what they called a doctor by I think it was twice a week. He's the one that made them let me out of the hole.  The guards had to help me walk I was so weak. After that episode, I became very fond of eating regular.
 Well, while this is a little distracting form my pain, but it doesn't make any of it go away so I need to get up and move around a little so I'm gonna make breakfast. Later.

Made it through that mess

  I hate having to take Cathy to that flea market. It is crowded and LOUD. Most of the time, when I'm out and about with Cathy, I only put one ear bud in and hang the other one in the neck of my T-shirt so I can know when Cathy says something. I had to put them in both ears and turn it up today. And ignorant, callous people that don't care about anything or anybody around them. One stupid broad literally dragged her little boy across Cathy's feet and legs. I started to reach out and shove her back but stopped myself and just pulled Cathy out from under the kid.  I used to think I had gotten my self control to a point where I don't put my hands on other people but I think it was just unconsciously staying away from places,  people and situations that might make things uncomfortable enough for me to get set off. I almost went off on that broad. I think some of the people around us believed I did from the way I talked to her. She got off lightly, and I guess I did too. At least I didn't have to have a cop intervene to save my butt this time. I wonder how long I can keep getting lucky. Its obvious to me now that I don't have as much self control as I keep telling myself.  Poor Cathy is the one that suffers the most for my temper even when I'm not angry at her, or anybody else for that matter. She suffers because I don't go anywhere that I don't have to. I think its been about 6 years since we have gone out to a restaurant other than to get carry-out.  And then, it was only because our son made a big deal out of our thirtyth anniversary. Can't remember the last time before that. That woman has given up a lot to be my wife. That's one of the reasons I won't give up on her and put her in an institution, even if we could afford a nice one. Did I mention yet that we are sorta co-dependant on each other?  gotta go.

Another day

  Well, its 8:00 on a Saturday. Last night was rather uneventful. Cathy wants to go to the flea market today so I kinda bribed her and got her to go to bed about 11:30 or a little after by telling her she needed to rest up if she wanted to go to the flea market this morning and we need to do it in the morning because a lot of vendors close up in the afternoon. That worked pretty good and I only had to beg her to shut up and go to sleep a few times. i dread these flea market trips. She wants to go down every aisle and that's a lot of walking and it hurts to just be on my feet for a  while but covering the entire market takes a long time and a lot of walking. I will have to be sure to wait till near time to go and take a Xanax before leaving the house. That and my MP3 player will help cope with all the crowds and noise. One good thing about pushing Cathy around in her wheel chair is that she acts as a shield so people don't bump into me as much. Most people that is. Some of them will almost run over Cathy and her chair before even noticing theres anyone there. Sometimes I have a hard time not doing anything more that yelling at them to watch out. I do put the foot rests on whenever we go out to places where there will be a lot of people so that gives her a little more protection from careless idiots that walk around with their heads up their butts. Not much, but its better than her feet just dangling loose. Seems like the only places I go any more where there aren't to many people are the places that I don't have to get out of the van, except for having to get out to pump gas for it. Even the pharmacy has a drive up window. That led to some strange ideas. Remember the guy that lived without leaving his house and just lived with whatever he could get by ordering from the Internet and getting everything delivered? I wonder if I could get sponsors to do that with living in a van and never getting more than like 50 feet from it to empty the porta potty or maybe get one of those kinds that uses a dry bag and kitty litter and that way I could stay within like 10 feet of the van. Would only have to go outside to get fuel. And water. I would need to have some for washing up every once in a while. Might be a better option than just going out in the desert and hope that whatever money I could get for the house would last long enough for my retirement to start. Right now, I think my social security would be a little over $300 a month if I were old enough to retire. That would take some doing to live on that. Food stamps and subsidized housing? But I hate apartment living like in the subsidized retirement housing here in Pensacola that I've seen. It was a nice enough place but they are always telling you what to do around your home, if you can call it YOUR home. I think I would rather live in my van. Gets too crowded, just move along.
  I never have gotten along to well with anyone telling me what to do. I used to have a lot of trouble keeping a job way back when because of that little personality trait. The best people I ever worked for, I quit like 6 or 7 times in less than 2 years. Never got my paid vacation from them and they were the only ones I ever worked for that would give anyone a paid vacation. At least anyone at my level of employment. That's the company my older brother and me were working for when he fell and died from his injuries. He would have had it made if he wouldn't have died. He was in no way dumb but he wasn't as smart as me, but he could handle people without getting angry. Actually, he had no problems with getting people to do as he said. I kinda figured he would get into the company at the level where all he had to do was keep office people happy and come around and tell me what needed doing. I was very good at getting things done, even if I had to do everything myself. I remember one job I had in Houston where I fired the whole crew one time for just playing on the job when i had to leave for something and they had done absolutely nothing when I got back. I had to work all weekend by myself to get things caught up. And then, on Monday the office sent one of the worst instigators of the problems from the week before, back out for me to keep working. He owed the owner too much money to just fire him. I quit them over that till they begged me to stay and promised to keep him away from me and any job I was on. I was mad as hell that I had sacrificed my entire weekend and worked by myself to make up for loss of time on the job so material deliveries wouldn't get stacked up and cause problems and then they just keep that little jerk on. And to top all that off, when work ran out and layoffs started, he was the one to keep his job and me and my crew at the time were the first ones to be layed off. I also found situation like that in many companies i would work for. The people that actually do the work get laid off before the butt kissers, and some times, the butt kissers never miss a pay check.Gotta go. Not having a real problem this time but stirring up old anger and I don't want to start Cathy's day off with me being angry before she even gets out of bed. And I don't want to have to take a Xanax any sooner than I feel is necessary to cope with leaving the house. Later.

Just don't know.

  Wow. I couldn't think about how to get started this time without things getting too difficult. But I'm back and OK for now. I had to take a Xanax.  I hate having to depend on those things just to be able to function. And I have to take the weakest ones they make or I won't be able to function well. I can take the way I can get easily distracted with cannabis for the benefits it gives but the Xanax just slows me down and makes me stupid. Nothing for the pain and doesn't make me feel good at all, or even OK. The pills last longer than the cannabis but no where near the benefits. And the cannabis will help me sleep and I wake up refreshed instead of worse than if I hadn't slept at all like happens if I take a Xanax before going to sleep. I've got an old MIG welder that I've been trying to sell and a guy across town may be interested in it and if he buys it, I'll be OK for a few weeks instead of hoping someone would happen to stop by and smoke one with me. I feel like a beggar since things have gotten tight but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. Cathy was giving me a hard time about going to bed last night after I had about all the pain and noise I could stand for the day, and during our argument, she said "go take you a Xanax" and I just blew up. Don't know why but someone telling me I need to take something like that just set me off. Sometimes, when I think about it, is seems funny/odd that someone that uses cannabis is dead set against drugs. I don't feel I have the right to have an opinion about other peoples drug use, or not use, unless they are messed up and think they want to mess with me, except the knowledge that the so called drug war is wrong and helps make seriously harm full divisions among the people of my country and the entire world to some extent.
  Doesn't seem right looking at a sentence stating "my country" feeling the way I do about most our government and the forces behind the way its run. I can't stand the way things turn out after candidates promise so much and they are either just greedy to start with or stupid (GWB) or turn into whores once they get into office. People don't seem to have much respect for Jimmy Carter but IMO, he was the only honest president that we have had in any memories I have of any presidents I have lived under.
  While on the subject, kinda. I have an idea of how they have managed to keep cannabis illegal. People with money and power will know how to talk to the right people in the right way to make them understand their point of view. They have to be afraid if  next week, they woke up and found instead of party hardy, beer drinking good ol boys that go along to get along, the had a population of thoughtful peaceful men and women. It would devastate the gestapo wanna-bes and the greedy corporate heads behind the heads.They would lose out on the financial ability to hold mass areas of land for cheap pulpwood when hemp grows on land even poorer than scrub trees and in a fraction of the time. The land taxes would take all the profit out of being a mass land owner if hemp were available to be grown here. They see the end of that prohibition coming and that is why most of the land holdings are turning to privatized hunting to make up the money they are soon to lose. There is one thing the drug warriors get right. Cannabis use will go up if it is made legal for adult use. Quite a few people will quit drinking or greatly slow down on the amount of alcohol they consume meaning alcohol use will go down by at least something greater than 10%. Alcohol is one of the most profitable commodities there is for corporate heads behind the heads. Especial since they passed the welfare rules making etehanol out of corn for using as a fuel for cars and trucks while they keep subsidizing the sugar cane industry by keeping quotas on the amount our farmers are allowed to plant and harvest. How do you think that whatever country in South America does so well without buying a drop of oil, unless it is used for chemicals and not fuel for the cars and trucks. I don't know if they import oil for diesel or not so I make that allowance in the factuality of my last statement. Now, beyond this, is are the first layer profits of the alcoholic beverage industry, then the second tier profit grabber like the hospitals and auto repair shops and the police and court personal prison guards and their unions and funeral industry as well as the advertising media and we can't forget big pharma that make piles of cash keeping all those accident and violence victims drugged up. This is in no way a complete listing of the first and second tiers of the income from alcohol but there are more levels that are much more sinister. People don't think well and are much easier led around by the right propaganda when presented to them at the right times, like when their minds are dulled with alcohol. Makes a man wanna be a MAN! Beat on my chest, take on anybody and anything, and laugh at them while I mash their faces. Doesn't really make for a peaceful population and when the time comes to make war, what leader wants a peaceful population. Now comes the military-industrial complexities. Now, unless your a dummy, when you get involved in something like a war, you want to be damned sure your able to win it. There is no way, in the world we live in, that we (America) can just hide out heads in the sand and not be involved in what happens around the rest of the world. Not only would it be foolish, but the heads behind the heads would lose too much money being isolated here in one country. We are all part of one Earth. Same air and water all over this world.
  Back to the real subject. Anyway, we have to capable of using power, weather it be economic or. if it comes to it, militarily. Now, there is now way we could set around peacefully for 30 to 40 years and all of a sudden, be able to take on someone like China if they suddenly decided their way of life depended on the rest of the world living the same way theydo , under their benelevant leadreship. We are important in the world and need to be. (doesn't sound like me huh!)There are also many greedy,mean and ruthless people in this world and we need to be able to prevent them from pushing themselves into a position that they can be a danger to the entire world. Adolf Hitler did it and don't think it can't be happen again. That means we have to be in a position to do whatever may have to be done. That means keeping a strong military and top of the line technology.  You can't go along for any period of time and reduce the capabilities of the military and the industrial complexities that keep them supplied and equipped with top of the line technology and equipment. You can't either take enough men and/or women and make them sudden generals and get the knowledge and experience to successfully wage war and win and keep the casualty rate low, or at least reasonably low.To keep soldiers, officers and staff ready and able to protect us, we need all of the things that put us where we are today. Now,a young, intelligent, thinking person isn't likely to be real content to take an order to set in a hole when hundreds of enemy soldiers are coming to over run that position just so his captain can have a better chance to save his own butt. Cannabis does promote thinking in intelligent people. Alcohol does not.

here comes the sun

  Well, after a heat spell that made Cathy hot enough to want the ACs put back in the windows, its been chilly for the last two nights. And mornings. I've ben wrapped up in one of those blanket things with the arm holes since I got up. Been playing solitaire and listening to my music for a couple hours and realized I wasn't going to be able to get any more sleep when the day light started creeping around the window blinds.
  Cathy was a problem to get to go to bed. She will get something going through her head and become like a woman on a mission. Almost an obsession sometimes. She gets these delusions about people steeling her stuff. First off, nobody is stealing her stuff. Second, only a child would want most of it bad enough to pilfer anything she has. She will set up in her bed and make me get all her jewelry boxes and cases and the cheep Walmart glass beeds she plays/works with and makes such a  mess, a normal person  would have problems finding everything and getting things back together. I have bought her many a container of backs for those little earings and she still has problems finding enough to put what earings she hasn't lost back together in pairs on the little cards they come on.  Did i mention she has paranoid delusions? She sometimes sees people breaking in through the ceiling and coming through the walls. She used to be satisfied with imagining they were coming in through the door but I thought I would reassure her and set her mind at ease if I blocked the door with putting a chair back leaning as a wedge under the door knob. I even went out the back door and showed her that it would take enough force to shatter the door and/or door frame to get through but her mind just got worse. She woke me up one time, trying to be all hush hush, telling me there was a girl under my bed. She has seen a monkey running around and wanted me to catch it for her or coax it into coming to her so she could play with it and love on it and such. It gets to be real hard for me to deal with her when she gets like that. Fortunately, her psycotic episodes have gotten fewer and not as severe as they were. But she still believes what she was seeing was real. Even when I find something that she thought was stolen, she says its either not the same thing that was stolen or thats why they kept coming back was because they didn't want whatever it was in her mind that they stole and brought it back. There are a lot of times I just have to walk away from her and turm my music up loud enough to make it hard to hear her and just ignore her for awhile. Thats not good for her but me getting out of control is even worse, I think, and it sure ain't good for me. She will sometimes try to walk and chase me down, into the next room or even the bathroom, and has hurt herself a coulpe of times falling to the floor. She can walk, kinda, a little when gets her dander up. Its more like falling and keeping her feet moving forward underneath her trying to catch her ballance. She has some success with that but the further it is for her to go to reach something to grab ahold of, the more dangerous it becomes. She fell one time and was all tangled up in a roll around table like in the hospitals and banged up her nose. I thought sure that she was going to have something broken that time but we were lucky. When she broke her leg, I had to literaly carry her around and lift her in and out of the bath tub for almost a month before we could get a wheel chair for her. My back went out on me twice back then and both of us went down. Both times, it was trying to get her out of the bath tub and we are lucky she didn't bang her head on the tub. There are still times when I have to rescue her and pick her up off the floor but we have to work together now to do it. I can no longer just grab her and pick her up as I would want. I used to show off to her and hold her by her elbows and pick her up like a weight lifter doing "curls", I think thats what they call it. I am definatly not the man I once was. Her brother has a fish camp that has about 25-30 feet of stairs, I don't know how many steps, but right after she broke her leg and it was in a cast, I could get away with picking her up and carrying her up and down all those stairs so she could ride on Freddys party barge. Good thing we didn't go there very often. I would have to bite down and just keep putting one foot forward after another but I was able to do it but I can't even pick her up without the likelyhood of dropping both of us now days. When she winds up on the floor now, we have to work together and even wait till she is able to work with me sometimes, to get her back up. Gotta stop.

Back from the doctor

  I don't know where to start. My doctor finally accepted the fact that I wasn't gonna take any medication with side effects that affect me. He's OK with that. I let him know I canceled the appointment with Dr. Light and wasn't going to see him again. Turns out that he was going to suggest the same lady that Dr. Light recommended. She's a social worker with their clinic. I wasn't sure what she was so I asked. Did I mention that she is setting me up with a psych evaluation. I have to get someone to set with Cathy again. I hate having to keep asking them people for more help. I hate asking anyone for anything but I just can't handle everything any more. Things weren't so bad before Cathy got down. She would take care of me and I would take care of everything else. Now. I can just barely make it through what should be an easy day. I don't dare take on anything that isn't absolutely necessary. Which reminds me, I need to fix the brakes on the van. I was in heavy traffic coming home and had to use the brakes pretty hard a few times and they must have gotten hot because they started to fade. I thought sure I was gonna rear end one idiot that decided he wanted to change lanes in front of me and just stop so he wouldn't miss his turn, I recon. Didn't even get into the center lane where he's supposed to for turning. Then he looked at me like "WHAT!" for yelling as I got to go around him. Some people are so stupid. I want to just run over people like that sometimes just to show them what the consequences can be like for driving with their head up their butt. Well that's enough anger for now.
  Cathys in bed sleeping again. Its kinda nice, her not needing me every 5 minutes but she'll likely make up for it later.
  Her cousin just called and gave me a good reason to wake her up.  I don't really care for her but Cathy deserves any distraction she can get that doesn't hurt her. But her cousin, Janice is a real wack job if you ask me. Won't quit talking if you let her get started. And can start crying at the drop of a hat. I know that happens to me a lot, the tears, but she seems to do it on cue when ever it will get her what she wants. Not something she hates having happen, but a tool to manipulate people with. Maybe she's not all that bad but I just hate having anyone around that I can't believe whatever they say. And here I am, madly in love with a woman that will say anything that comes to mind to get her way. But I know shes a wack job so I just try to get past any little lies she tells me. She has the mind a a young teen at the best. And is incapable of reason other that what she feels. But she loves me truly and I've never had to worry about her wanting anyone else besides me. Thats something important to me is loyalty. I had a younger sister that was almost as "unwanted" as me and I felt sorry for her but she at least had our Granny that was always taking up for her and treating her like she was special. I could have been closer to her and probably should have made the effort but its too late now. I didn't even go to her funeral. I think she would have been a good sister if I had given her a chance. I know I could have made a difference in her life if I would have tried. Can't continue.

Morning has broken

    Cathy had a restless night which means I had a busy night. It seems like that woman can pee every five minutes. I know its not that bad but every time I would start to doze off, it seemed like she had to pee again. I know I got some sleep sometime because I just wasn't able to even doze off  anymore sometime this morning. I had been awake quite a while when the garbage truck came by and they always come pretty close to 5:00.  After that, I just gave up trying and got up. Fixed some eggs and sausage bisquits for breakfast and ate while checking my email. Its never anything important but it fills some time. Then I played solitaire for awhile till the dogs started getting restless and wanted out of their cages. play a lot of solitaire. It's the only thing I've found that can occupy my mind without having to think. Thinking is bad for me most of the time. Not regular thinking like figuring out specific problems or  anything like that. Its when i am just setting around, listening to music to keep the noise from driving me up a wall, my mind will flitter around following obscure trails of thought and generally wind up on something to bring on the tears. Some times, I don't even have to think about anything and the tears will start.  The anger does that too. Sometimes, it seems like I'm getting along fine and all of a sudden, I am just so angry.
  Had to go take a Xanax and take a few minutes. Its probably a good thing to have those available but they have a terrible reputation and it seems like I'm turning to them way to easily as time goes on. And not a lot of time either. I've only been taking them for something like four months. I used to have a drinking problem and smoked like a freight train, a lot of times, lighting my next one off of the last one and going through almost three packs of cigarettes in a single day. I got rid of those habits and don't want to start another one with something that can hurt me. even if it would take years for any damage to become relevant. And I hate feeling stupid. That may be a bigger problem that the fear of dependency and damage to my physical body like liver and such. I was destroying my body and its working parts before they were fully developed even. I was a drunk and a pack a day smoker by the time I was 16. Yea, my world has suked since my earliest memories. Can't continue.

Well, I made it so far

Here it is, 8:30 and I'm caught up with everything I need to do for the night. I wasn't sure I would be able to do everything and get cleaned up for tomorrow but I did. Heck, thats two baths in less than a week. And shaves too. I had some problems making it though. Cathy started whining that she was getting hot. Today, and in the late afternoon too. I bit down and put the air conditioners in and got them working. We have two small window units. They don't weigh much but were just awkward  with the weight to give me some problems. Especialy the one for the bedroom. I had to carry it about twenty feet or so and lift it over shoulder height to put it in the window. Needless to say, thats the smaller of the two. And the one we just bought last year wouldn't work. I had to take it back out and fix it. That one is at the front porch so it wasn't too bad to work with even though it was a little heavier than the one in the bedroom.. It wasn't much but took me a while to figure it out. I took the front off and the switch panel but was having difficulty getting the plate covering the area where I was assuming the relays were so I got to thinking that it may be the circut breaker in the plug or even the plug itself so I quit trying top force my way into the guts of the machine and took the plug apart. There was water in the plug and it was causing the breaker to throw as soon as I would plug it up and wouldn't reset with the button. I dried it out as best I could and used WD-40 to displace as much water as I could and it worked for just long enough for me to be satisfied and put the unit back in the window. Then, when I pluged it back up , it started throwing the breaker again. I turned on the compressor and used air to blow dry it but it wasn't gonna work any more. So i just disabled the breaker and put it back together. Its been working fine without any smoke, steam or the plug with the disabled circuit breaker even getting warm. Its been a couple of hours running now and I'll continue to watch it. That makes me think I should go next door and get a smoke alarm.
BRB. Well, that was a wasted effort. And after a long day, walking all that way and back and they don't have any smoke alarms. I guess I'll just turn it off for over night and get one from the hardware ntomorrow wwhen I go see the doctor. Now I need to try to get settled and clear my mind so I will be able to get some sleep if I can talk Cathy into going to bed at 10:00. I will be listening to music and playing solitare till I can clear everything from my mind and go to bed so good night.