saturday's alright

  Not counting the noise in my head, today has been a relatively easy day. I got a little short tempered with Cathy when I took her to Walmart but that blew over pretty quickly. I stopped at Churches and got her some chicken. It is good for her to get things to eat that don't go from freezer to microwave.Did I say I'm a terrible cook? Eggs are the best thing I cook and theres no guarantee any two will turn out the same. Anyway, I had to get new batteries for my MP3 player. It is very hard for me to go out amongst people without something to listen to besides the noise in my head and the chaos that the rest of the world sounds like.
  Cathy is pretty weak today. Her tooth, or the place where her tooth got pulled from, is bothering her. Besides taking M S Contin, Lyrica, Xanax, and a Loritab, I am keeping hot compresses on it when she's awake. She passed out on the way back from the store. I had to do most of the work getting her from the van seat to her wheel chair. She came around after getting inside the house enough to eat her chicken. I kept an eye on her to make sure she didn't pass out again and/or choke on her food.
  I need to make better arraignment for her seating because when she's in her seat, I can't keep an eye on her very well. I want to take one of the rotating seat pedestals and move it to the front passenger seat and relocate it a little so the seat can spin around when pulled back and then be in a near normal position when locked in place so the shoulder belts will hold her in when she loses consciousness. The rear seats don't have anything but a lap belt. I've been thinking about leaving the rear captain chairs out and get a ramp to just roll her, chair and all up into the van and then just move her from the wheel chair the her seat and spin her around and lock in place. And I still need to fix the brakes. I should work on a plan to do that, fix the brakes. They are more important that rearranging the seats. Gotta go move around a little to ease my back. Later.

We're back.

  We made it through the tooth extraction. And Cathy is OK. Shes resting right now. It did take a lot out of her. That is one tooth that won't bother her again. and it was pretty uneventful except for the way we acted trying to get to the time for her appointment.
  Things are rather boring right now with Cathy sleeping. I took a nap with her but I was only able to sleep for about 45 minutes. I'm glad I was able to sleep at all. I usually can't sleep during the day without help from either a little cannabis or a Xanax. I'm not feeling stupid like I normally would if I had taken a Xanax before resting and I didn't smoke anything so I must have been pretty tired. I do feel better after the nap. 
  I have been thinking about checking into which states are set up with MMJ laws and find out if I would qualify and how we might be able to afford to relocate to one of them. I'm going to leave off for now and do some research. Later.

Couldn't last

  I knew it was too good to last. Cathy started this morning. Refusing to behave and says shes going to tell the nurses I hit her when I just slapped her on her butt to get her to pay attention to me. I recon I'm abusing her and she needs to find someone else to care for her. I believe it would make my life a little easier. I don't think she's the root cause of any of my problems but she doesn't make life easy for me.
  I took a Xanax some time ago but it isn't helping. I'm holding everyting back so as to not traumatize Cathy before her dental appointment, but the tears won't stop. I could probably get them to stop if I were to stop holding back but that wouldn't be good for Cathy or me. This place has enough holes in walls and doors, it doesn't need any more. I'm gonna have to sell it some day. Also, letting go may not stop the tears anyway. I have been in a totaly uncontroled rage and the tears just streaming down my face at the same time. I have had episodes when driving that I had to pull of the road and park for short time to get under control enough to get home. And now the nurse is here trying to understand whats up so she can deal with Cathy and I have to tell her things I'ld rather not go into verbaly right now. I can't stop and walk away for a while when talking to people like I can here.

My girl

Well, Cathy shows her true colors today. She was a good girl for the first time in ages but she was a good girl for me.I don't care why, she was a very good girl. No problems from her and that let me even have a day with minimum problems for myself. No tears or anger today.Well, at least none after I finaly got through to her how important it was to rest and behave, and threatened to leave. But the rest of my day was trouble free. My music kept the noise from driving me up a wall and the day is almost over without any traumatic episodes. Maybe I can string a few more days like today together and have a nice weekend. I am going to try. If everything goes OK tomorrow with Cathy's tooth extraction, I'll take her shopping and buy her some MORE ear rings. That was a pronise I made her to get her to behave. I just hope she is up to it after the dentist. I may have to put it off for a few days but I know she won't want to do that.
  I'm afraid that if I get to far into things right now, I'll ruin what has been a decent day so I'm through for now. Later.

Finnished?

  I don't know what to do with Cathy. She has a broken tooth that she needs pulled. She needs to rest till the dentist appointment tomorrow. A few people are going to extra effort to get this done for her in a timely manner. I have been begging her to take it easy and save what strength she has to be able to make the appointment without passing out. She almost passed out yesterday getting the X-rays done and if she does that during the dentist appointment, they won't pull the tooth/teeth that are bothering her and she will continue to have infections from time to time that will keep her down. And she is going to torture me for it if she does make it. If she doesn't, I think I've had too much. I don't even know if I can leave her but I can't just keep on fighting uphill with her not even willing to cooperate long enough to get some needed care. I had to threaten leaving her if she doesn't behave and take it easy till at least after this dentist appointment. The only sure way for me to leave is to sell the house and make her find somewhere to go to. She could go to whatever family would have her or a nursing home. I just can't keep going like this. Later.

New Day

Its a new day and maybe a better one. I hope so. I was dying yesterday from pain. The day before, Cathy had been overdoing things and passed out in the living room chair. I had to carry her to bed and get her laid down. My back was hurting so bad yesterday, I was short tempered. I don't remember any times when the tears would run. Maybe pain and anger are the cure for my depression. If it is, I hope I can find a better one, or at least a better way to get it under control. I just don't know what to do. I need to have some normal days without any tears or anger, and relativly low amounts of pain. It would also be nice if the noise would go away but that ain't gonna happen. It suks.  What the hell can I do? Between all my problems and Cathy pileing more and more on top of them, I just don't know. I will be here as long as Cathy needs me, but, when she is gone, will I find another reason good enough to put up with this hellish existance?  The only hope I can see is moving somewhere where they have made allowances for MMJ. The only decent time I have is a short time before bedtime. I smoke a little cannabis so I can get some sleep and I actualy feel OK for a little while. If it  weren't so expensive, it also helps during the daytime but I can just barely afford enough to help me sleep some at night. It doesn't do enough to stop the rages when they pop up or the tears when they come crashing in, but I could feel OK most of the time. If I could afford it.  Hell I have to find something that will work now. I can't wait till Cathy dies. I don't want her to die. I would like to be OK while she is still here and be nice to her and spend time being happy with her. If she would get stronger and learn to behave, and I could somehow get a decent sized travel trailer and truck to pull it with, then sell this place for enough to get a small lot to live on in southern California. But pigs don't fly either. Later.

Days end

  Well, she's done it again. She won't be held back and now she has exausted herself. She can't be roused without extreme shaking and then just barely responds. She doesn't want to be taken back to the hospital if things get worse. She was cleaning the kitchen and wouldn't stop till she just wore herself out. I finaly convinced her to set down and rest and shortly after that, she lost conciuosness. I had to pick her up and carry her to bed and she just kept saying she was sorry. The only thing she has done that she shouldn't have was to put herself at risk for this to happen. Nothing to be sorry for but thats the girl I married. More worried about me than herself. I know she doesn't realize that she is so suceptable to give up her life by just over doing things. I keep telling her that shes killing herself if she doesn't rest but she doesn't.  God, this has been a terrible day. I have barely been able to keep myself from lashing out. I have started a few times and caught things before they got too far and was able to walk away till I could speak rationaly and calmly to her. She wasn't doing anything but trying to help me clean this piece of crap house. Can't

New day

We'll try tis again. Yesterday was a serious "Paint It Black" day. Today doesn't seem to be any better so far. Nothing is good. Can't/won't take enough Xanax to get this under control because it won't do any good and all I would be able to do would be to lay down and stare at the ceiling or sleep a sleep that doesn't do any good. I can't incapasitate myself because Cathy needs me to be able to function to be able to help her. Don't know why things are going to shit lately. Can't think of any cause for the downturn. Wish it would go away. The noise feels defening and loud, hard hitting music like Paint It Black can get through but doesn't help me get things under control. Jonny Be Good is a little lighter mood and hard hitting without the dark mood overtones but just doesn't work when the tears and rage force their way up. Especialy when they are near constant for days at a time. I don't know which is worse, the depression or the rage. And its terrible when they come together. I feel like doing a "TAZ" dance sometimes. You know, when the cartoon Tazmanian Devil starts just spinning around and bouncing of everything in sight, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Is that strange? 
  And Poor Cathy has to suffer way more than necessary because of me. And that makes the tears flow even worse when I can back away and realize what I'm doing to her. No one should have to try to live under the circumstances she has to put up with. I'm the only person that cares enough about her to stay for the long haul but I'm not good for her state of mind. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and wants to stay with me. This is OK with me because I love her and want her to have some chance to be where ever she feels happyest, best, most comfortable. I just wish I didn't have so many problems that cause her pain and fear. gotta go

Monday

It suks!!!!!!!

I'm coping

Just barely but I am coping with everything. The noise is the worst thing right now.I washed a load of clothes and changed the sheets for Cathy. I need to shave pretty bad, and a shower probably wouldn't hurt either. I don't think I have any odor besides deoderant because I wash off in the sink fairly often and a complete shower if I get dirty or sweaty. I don't do a lot. It hurts to just exist so physical activity is something I avoid as much as possible. I didn't used to. Before I had to start helping Cathy with everything, I would do what work I could do. I used rebuild cars from the auctions and resale them. But that was when Cathy took care of me. Now, I have to take care of me, Cathy, and the house as much as I'm able. Cathy gets most of the effort. She seems to be getting stronger for the time being and while that is great, it causes problems for me. She wants to mess around with everything in the house as well as stand up and cook and wash the dishes and do laundry and clean the floors. She's probably tired of eating frozen dinners from throw away trays. What she mostly does is plunder through what is left in the back room. Up untill recently, that room was so full of trash and even broken glass on the floor and I wouldn't let her even go beyond the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Anyway, she isn't going to behave and I have to keep up with her. She is at risk two ways when she gets like this. First is that if she uses up too much of what little life energy (best term I could figure  out) her heart rate can get to low to keep her alive. Recently, her heart rate is fairly normal and her blood pressure is normal. For most of the last year though, her heart rate was in the 40s and low 50s. Sometimes so low that I couldn't even raise the head of her bed to feed her without her getting light headed and I would have to lower her head down closer to the level of her heart so it wouldn't take as much effort to get blood to her brain. And she used to need a high output of oxygen. And secondly, she is at great risk of falling and hurting herself. It was a broke leg that was either a catalist or transition point in her neurological disorder that got us to this point. Actualy, I was more capable of doing things before she got down. I made my back somewhat worse by having to carry her up and down stairs and lifting her in and out of the bath tub. Not having insurance, it took a while to get a wheel chair and a lot longer to get a chair for her bath that will lower and raise her back up. Twice, when trying to get her out of the bathtub, my back gave out with a sharp pain and I collapsed with her in my arms/ Even then, I proteced her head from impacting the tub. I even thought about calling the rescue people to come help us the second time but I got stong enough after a while and figured out way that wasn't too painfull for Cathy and not as much pressure on my back. If things hadn't been so serious, it probably would have looked comical to anyone looking as us two getting her in and out of the tub. Thank god for that bath chair.
  She's calling me again so I should go help her to the bathroom. Later.

Here we go again

  Another sleepless morning. I've been trying to go back to sleep for a couple of hours now without any luck.Smoking, playing my music and playing fast solitaire hasn't helped. Helped Cathy use the bathroom and put her back to bed. Gave her some medications. I'll probably have to lay down with her to get her back to sleep. Was going to give up and strt my day but I'm gonna lay down with Cathy to give her some comfort and maybe she'll get some more sleep this morning. At least one of us can get a little more sleep on a Sunday morning. Later.

What can I say?

Nothing new today. Some problems with pain, depression, and the screaming noise in my head. Whats a person to do? I'm coping the best I can. Im trying to spend some time with Cathy just having conversation but thats hard. She doesn't know much and I don't want to hear her make shit up, or let her imagination tell her things are a certain way when they aren't. We both give up after a short time but I think its a good thing to at least try.I'm having a little trouble concentrating but I'm slacking off the Xanax afterd they left. Now if Cathy will just not bring them up anymore, I can get beyond their time in my house.
  Well, like I said, same ol same ol. Later.

Morning already

  Well, here it is, another Saturday and we're both still here. Sometimes, I wonder why Cathy puts up with me. And why I put up with her. Why does my life have to have so much misery in it. Cathy's and my own. Cathy is having as hard a time with crying the last couple of days as me. I hate for her to cry. It just melts my heart. She is so fragile but so determined. I've known grown men with twice her bulk that would just fold up and wish for they're lives to be over if they had to live with half her problems and misery. She has one tough spirit. I hope she knows how much I do love her. I try not to let my problems make her life worse than it has to be but I'm not to good at it. As big a problem as she is, some of it is because she wants to help out with the house work and laundry. I'm not sure if thats because she wants to help me or she just gets disgusted with the house being so messy. I used to think of her as my little elf. Like the ones in the kids story about the shoemaker that would wake up to find all his work caught up for him by elves. I never had to worry about things getting to bad because she would always clean and wash clothes at night. She has never been a "spotless housekeeper" but she kept things form getting too bad. I'm not even a decent house keeper. Even if I weren't in such pain all the time, I wouldn't want to do housework. I especially hate washing dishes now days. It seems like there isn't a counter and sink in existance that is the correct height to was the dishes without me having to bend over a little and that just kills my back.
  Well, the daylight is here and there will be no more sleep for me today so I guess I'll start on feeding the dogs and then me. Later.

It's about time

  Well, they're gone. Hasn't made a lot of difference in quality of life but at least that's one burden that's no longer a factor. I don't know what happened but its been rough going for the past couple of days. I have had to stay on the Xanax or else I just start crying for no reason. Sure I normally feel bad and depressed but the tricks I use to help cope just aren't working. They have never been 100% effective but they help most of the time. My music helps to distract me from depressing thoughts and the screaming in my head most of the time but not much help for the last couple of days. Playing fast solitaire on the computer will help sometimes too by getting my mind distracted and in conjunction with my music is the best I have. Or it was till I started taking the Xanax. And that's not 100% effective either. I still feel depressed but the crying has almost stopped since I started taking it 4 times a day. Just 2 days so far and it doesn't do much for sleeping. Neither does smoking for the last couple of days. The Xanax makes me feel as bad when I wake up as when I went to sleep. The cannabis just isn't doing as good a job as it normally does, even with the night time Xanax to help. I sleep about 3 1/2 to 4 hours and wake up and after over an hour of playing solitaire and a smoke, I just toss and turn when I try to go back to sleep. It doesn't take long after laying back down for all the things I like to avoid thinking about come crashing back in. Then I have to get up and find something to get my mind clear of thoughts while I take another Xanax and wait for it to start working. I'm not a whiner most of the time but I'm kinda sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. It seems like sometimes it just starts piling up on me and then another load piles on and then another after that and so on and so on. Pore Ol Cathy is having a hard time too. I'm obviously not on my best behaviour and my tolerance levels are very low at the moment. That woman has suffered for choosing to marry me. I don't believe she would have found anyone with the loyalty and compassion for her that I have but it wouldn't take much to make up for my short temper. There actually was a time when we were happy and had fun together. She's changed and so have I. My world is getting smaller and more difficult to deal with and hers is god knows where. One day she needs me and knows it and the next, she acts like she wants to be without me. She has started lying about me to her brother and his girl friend. I walked up on them when she wasn't paying attention and heard her telling them that I abuse her and she was ready, or something like that, to go to a nursing home. I wish there were a place for her to go where she would thrive. I don't consider putting her in a nursing home because I don't believe she will get enough personal attention to sustain her will to keep going and she has begged me more than a couple of times to not let anyone put her in a nursing home. But I don't know how long I can keep this life of sacrifice going. Hell, I need someone to help me out and take care of me and here I am just suffering on my own while at the same time, sacrificing everything in my life to make her feel like her life is worth the effort to keep going. And I ain't too good at that. It would be a little easier if she wasn't so dumb but she is and doesn't think she is dumb. I just can't impress upon her that if she breaks something again, she will be going to a nursing home. I just cannot physically do what I had been doing for her the last couple of years. She has finished breaking me down. She has gotten a little of her strength back and wants to keep getting up and going here and there in the house and I just can't keep up with her. She is going to hurt herself again and that will be the end of us. I don't know what to do. Later

Agrivation from all directions

  Well, to start off with, I have been scammed again. Its just half truths used to deceive me trying to get things to go their way. They have a bus ticket but not from the trucking company that he has been leading me to believe it was. Some organization supplied them the ticket and they could have gotten this ticket a lot earlier than today and been out of my house. The tickets are to Jackson instead of Mobile where they could have gone to long before now. I'm still being nice. They are leaving today one way or the other though.
  The other aggravation is from the psych evaluation I had earlier. The girl that did the evaluation called to "nudge" me into keeping on with their process. I will see if I can make the logistics of making ANOTHER doctors appointment and having someone set with Cathy worked out. I recon if she cared enough to keep after me, I can care enough to try at least. I don't see how they can help with the conditions they have for providing any help. I have to be free from any drugs that aren't on a government approved list and that is gonna be tough. I have a lot of damage to my body that causes me a lot of pain and I can't take the prescriptions they gave me when the problems occurred and they haven't made any miracle pain drugs since then. I also have problems with getting any sleep. The only thing I have that has any effect on my pain or my sleep problems without terrible side effect is Cannabis. And Cannabis, as everyone with half a brain knows, is the main reason for drug testing. You can take Heroin, Cocaine, and almost any other drug and show clean within 8 to 24 hours. But Cannabis can show up for as long as a month after you last used it. Ole Hillary Clinton was right when she stated to the world, "there is just too much money involved to legalise Cannabis." The thing she didn't say was that there is more money on the pharacutical, alcohol, prison guards, prison building, police overtime, lawyers and other court personal, and the phony "addiction specialist" industries, just to name a few that would lose a lot of income and job security if Cannabis were ever to be treated fairly. If I were make king, I would force every jackass that prospered from prohibition and made any effort to keep it in place to dig ditches and clear right away for roads and empty garbage cans for minimum wage till they had paid back every dime they earned or profited from destroying people's lives with their prohibition laws.
  Later.

not working this morning

My tricks aren't working this morning. I recon a few days of relative calm were too much for whatever it is that deems it necessary for me to have a tortured life. I have smoked and been playing solitaire for a while now and no help getting things to go away. Even the music can't seem to penetrate the noise this morning. It's difficult for me to even put a whole sentence together. I am having a lot of trouble paying attention to anything for more than a few seconds at a time. God I wish this noise would go away.

Don't know

  Today doesn't officially suk, yet. i think Cathy's  brother and girlfriend will soon be gone. He's at least going through the motions as far as I can see. I won't stoop so low as to listen in on his phone calls to get verification that hes telling the truth, even though he has scammed us before just to have a place to lay up at. They came to visit one time for the weekend and I had to make them leave after almost two weeks. More like about 10 days but it seems like it was a month. But I have been treating them with dignity and hoping they get the idea because they know trying to scam me won't get them anything.
  I'm listening to Willie right now. Not a real country fan but a big fan of Willie's. His music helps keep things flowing peacefully along.
  Cathy is being a pain but  she at least is listening to me when I beg her to let me be if she doesn't really need anything. She forgets after a few minutes but she is being a little more reasonable than a lot of the time. She's been having episodes of depression more than normal today also. Gotta be real careful how I react with her today. I been having to take the Xanax a lot the last couple of days and feel kinda "pent up" if that makes any sense.
  I'm pretty sure they are leaving soon. He's trying to get me to find some way to pay him to finish work that I've already paid him to do. I will find some way to do it myself before I'll try to figure out a way to pay him again. Either just put it off or  wait till I'm having a great day, for me, and do it myself. Theres just putting the plug wires on and the dash panels to replace left. He did cut the grass which was a more imeadiate chore that really needed doing so I've at least bought myself some time. Thanks to Willie for helping me settle down. I kinda got upset when he suggested I pay him for finishing what he started. Cathy is having a miserable day and I just had to bite down on my tongue and get away from him to keep from making her world worse. I'm not real good at making her happy but I can do my best to keep from adding any more misery to her life. Sometimes my best ain't very good. I hate when I  lose control  of myself and forget what she means to me. Emotionally, I'm all over the place from can't imagine living without her to can't wait till she's gone. In my mind, I know she means more to me than anything else in this world. Almost every night, we are holding hands at some point between laying down and dropping off to sleep. In fact, she is the only person on this earth that I'm comfortable touching me. I never grew out of that " don't touch me" thing. I even cut my own hair so I won't have anyone messing with me. I have a set of clippers and a 1/2 inch guide and just whack it all off. I would rather have it grow long but its a lot easier to just cut it off short a couple times a year. I'm not the most well kept person in the neighborhood. That counselor at the clinic kinda surprised me by telling me that I looked "scruffy", and I thought I was dressed up. Well, for me, I was dressed up. And I always take a shower and shave the night before I have to go anywhere and deal with people. Normally, most of the time, I'll just wash off in the sink. I think it may have something to do with me being a little claustrophobic. Every time I move to a different place, I always envision a large shower area with a bench seat and plenty of room with a large mirror set up in it and a light over head but close to the wall with the mirror. Later.

The end is in sight

  Well, if he's not lying, Cathy's brother will be gone tomorrow. I hope he's figured out that I don't go for his bull shit. I have made them leave once when they were just visiting when Cathy wasn't expected to make it and I made them leave one time when they were "just visiting for the weekend" after about 10 days if I remember right. I can say, truthfully, that I have been nice and treated them with dignity. I don't believe in treating someone like they aren't worth anything or taking advantage of someone that is down on their luck at the moment. Like that inverter I bought from him the other day. I paid him $20 for it and showed him where Walmart sells the same thing for $19 brand new. I won't overpay for anything any more but I will still try to be fair when dealing with anyone that I'm willing to have any dealings with. Being disappointed by people, and family are worse than most anybody else, miss-representing things or out-right trying to rip me off, I may be a little prejudgest. I don't k now why I'm so against having people staying in my home. I wasn't even comfortable when my youngest son and his girlfriend/wife were living with us. They got married while they were living with us in Mississippi. They lived there pretty much as if they thought they were in a motel. We charged them no room and board or rent or anything. Neither would help out more than a rare ocasion when I had to ask for some help for Cathy.  Anyway, they're divorced now and he still doesn't even call us except on special occasions. We don't hear from him for months at a time. And while Ifeel slighted by him, I never act like it. It may just be that he is like me and just doesn't have much to say. I am always glad to see him or hear from him. Well, almost always anyway. When Cathy does leave me, I'm gonna pack it all in and find a totaly different life. May not be a lot different than this one but I think I'll be OK. I think thats why I'm still collecting parts and pieces to make a life on the road. Just keep moving till I find somewhere that suits me. Cathy's wanting me to come lay down and maybe she'll shut up and go to sleep. Later.

Early morning is so nice

  Well its a nice morning so far. It takes having other people in my house to remind me how much a treasure Cathy is. Her brother and his girl friend are carefull not to irritate me but just having them in my home makes me uncomfortable. Maybe uncomfortable is not as intense as the feelings I have when other people are in my home. Anyway, I hope their visit will end soon. Poor, sweet, Cathy is enjoying their company but I believe that I am more important to her well being than having someone to talk to so no matter what, they can't stay.
  Can't let them bother me just now. I need the relative peace this time of the day. Just me and my music. And some breakfast once I get beyound this being peacefull. This noise in my head will never let me be at peace for very long. My music helps stretch that time out a little but sooner or later, the rest of the world is gonna come crashing in. I almost hate interupting my peacefull morning with having to "think" enough to write in this blog but I feel the need to show that I'm not wacked out all the time. And here comes the rest of the world. Well, not all of it, just one of the neighborhood idiots with their cars "boom box" stereo vibrating the entire area for blocks around with their bass turned up too loud. People like that make me want to get some of those cucaracha air horns and follow them around for awhile and blast that out on them till they get as sick of it as I am of them vibrating my insides with their crap.
  Well, it lasted almost a whole hour and a half. I recon I should go take a xanax before anyone or anything else crashes in on me but I hate those things. I recon their better that my short temper but I just don't feel like its me. Or that it is me but I can't get things to work normaly as me. And it's not like they make me feel any better, they just calm me down enough to let me keep a little better control of myself .   
  Well its gone now and i'm gonna go cook breakfast. later

Escape?

I am in a quandary right now. (had to look that one up) I have been working towards life after Cathy without realizing it. I have 4 or 5 small business setups that can be worked alone or with a partner, I originally started these preparations when I was expecting me and Cathy to run around to different flea markets and small town festivals just needing to make expenses to keep going but capable of making good money with the right situation. While I know she will never be able to do any of this with me, I continue to make small preparations as an opportunity arises. One part, well more than one part, needs/can benefit from having a portable power supply. I just picked up an inverter the run equipment off a battery but have absolutely no plans that it would be of use in except the mobile vendor plans we had started a couple of years ago. We started planning with just a photo T-shirt business but added vinyl signs and then rhinestone decals and rhinestone designs on shirts and light jackets or really whatever someone wanted to make personal instead of just of the shelf clothes. This has been a pet peeve of mine since I bought a shirt at Walmart that I really liked but a few weeks later, I saw that same shirt on another person at the same time as I was wearing mine going into the same Walmart. And he didn't make the shirt look flattering and vice-versa. Anyway, it was easy for me to want to make things special. And I made some beautiful designs in rhinestones for Cathy that she seldom wears. I haven't figured out a design that i want to make a decal out of to put on the van but I have the materials, equipment and knowledge to make rhinestone decals for any smooth surface. I also have a green screen/chroma-key photo set-up for portraits and a set of graphics programs where I can make fake magazine covers with the people inserted into the design and can customize it and print it out on the spot. And the printer I use is a very good printer, not some $35 throw away piece of crap. It's an Epson stylus Photo 1400 that will print oversize when needed. Anyway, it struck me that I'm planning on Cathy dying and me moving on with my own life. This revelation is important to me because it creates doubt about the real reasons I am so short tempered. Not only with Cathy, but everything that comes up. Am I so  tired of living with Cathy that deep down, I want the change to go ahead and come? Do I secretly want Cathy to die? i can't. Thats just all there is to it. gotta go.