Don't think its gonna last

I'm sick and tired of this life. If something doesn't change, I will make something change.

Is it almost time?

  Cathy is very weak. She insisted I take her out to the flea market Saturday morning and I did. I knew better but she wasn't going to be a good girl if I didn't take her. I did everything I could to keep any stress and/or exertion away from her but it wasn't any good. She has been either unconsious or nearly unconsious for three days now except for maybe an hour and some odd minutes anout 3:00 this morning. She was complaining of cold early yesterday through her haze and I put  a heating pad on her upper legs. Her extremities were getting cold and I believe she didn't have enough life in her to keep her body temperature up and keep her heart beating for very long so I did what I thought best. I also had her on oxygen most of the time since she lost consiousness Sat. She made me leave it off after she woke up early this morning. Also, the heating pad was set on only medium but still gave her a blister on her thigh. I'll have to keep a watch out for any signs of infection. She just doesn't have anything extra in her poor little body to fight with any more. Can't continue.

Suprise, suprise

  Out of the blue, my half sister, Cheryl,  called me yesterday.  I was glad to hear from her. I don't know if I should keep in touch with her or not. She is sweet and my sister but we were raised differently. She had her mother protecting her from everything she could and she doesn't seem to have looked much beyound the surface. She also had our father at least sticking around and he was probably as good a father as I was to my sons but I never got the benefit of any of that because he really never wanted to be my father more than a wistfull thought now and then. I didn't know what to do as a father but I did stick around for my kids and my wife. And I do know that even someone like me being always there was better than no one. Anyway, she has a far different view of our world than I do and I don't think my view of things would be good for her. She seems happy from our conversation and she probably deserves to be happy. Or at least she doesn't deserve my miserable reality. And I'm not good at all keeping things to myself if other people keep bringing the subject up. And it seems like her family experiences are important to her. Very much interaction with me would probably disillousion her quite a bit. If nothing else, she probably wouldn't like me at a minimum and my views of the world could make her as miserable as me. I want to tell you that being brutaly honest with ones self is probably not a good thing for most people. At least not people with my history and a sense of honor or compassion. Cathy needs me. I'll have to think about this some more.

Gonna lose it

  This suks. I have to take my Xanax regularly or I face losing Cathy. There are more than one agencys talking about removing Cathy from my care. She won't go for that and it would mess things up bad. She will not allow them to put her in a nursing home and the only other place she has to go is with some of her family back in Mississippi and they aren't willing to make much effort to keep her happy enough to want to keep living. \The social worker for the hospice just came and left. She seems to have her head on straight thank god. She realizes that Cathy won't do well in an instution or anywhere else besides with me. She knows I'm trying to get help also. She just doesn't have enough pull to get beyound the politics of health and mental health care here in Florida. Maybe things will be OK for Cathy to be in my care and I can handle the drugged out feeling I have with the Xanax and make her life OK as long as she is still living. Later.

Why?

  Well, another example of programs set in place more to make the powerfull feel good about what they are doing to help the downtrodden. I have had problems with my teeth for years and fpor months, have been having a good bit of pain. I got a dentist appointment after waiting for over three months and when they took the X-rays, and saw that I have numerous broken teeth, they send me home to wait another three months. Cathy haqd the same problem with one broken tooth but thank the gods that she has the hospice people trying to help her. Knowing that she is a hospice patient, they did the same thing to her but the hospice people got involved and got her tooth pulled a couple of days later.
  I could see the waiting system if they were actualy busy helping patients, but the three times I have been there, (twice with Cathy and once for myself) there is a lot more time spent being friendly with the group that is supposed to be servicing the public than work being done for the public. And this is at the public health department. Not some place supported by rich clients with health insurance to pay for all the "group hugs and back patting " that is going on. These people are being paid by the public to help the public. There is a lot of talk about "entitlements" for the poor and retired but the rich and well off seem to think its their entitlement to take it easy while accepting comparably large compensation arraingments for them to just be there and leasurely do a little work. I did my part as long as I was able. I built schools, hospitals, shopping malls, and power plants all over this country for just a livable wage till I started getting hurt and unable to do my job. Even then, I tried to return to work after getting my own training and certifications as a computer and network technician. I had also always tried before that to do whatever I could. Hard work with your head down was all I could get but I did my best and got my contractors license after state certification but then got hurt again in a car accident where I got rear ended at a traffic light. Now, when I'm bent and broken, there is nothing for me but pain and misery. You know what, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired (pain and misery) all the time.

Here again

  It still suks to  be me. I broke down in the doctors office today. That was hard to go through. I almost walked out. I do need some kind of help but I  don't know if there is anything anyone can do. I don't know what will help that isn't beyound what is acceptable. I will not let anyone put Cathy in a nursing home. She is the only thing anyone could change that would make any difference in my life but I will gladly keep suffering rather than allow her to be put anywhere she doesn't want to be.
  I believe I have Meineres Disease. I have all the symptoms of an advanced case od the disease. What I have always dismissed as a stomach flu or just some little problem is actualy vertigo caused by the Meineres Disease. I have akways just said I was a little dizzy and nauseated when having to answer to anyone about what was wrong with me. Sometimes, it gets a lot worse than just a little dizzy. It can get bad enough for me to have to find somewhere to lay down. I remember one time while talking to a cop that I had to set down to prevent myself from falling down. I now I have felt it as bad as that at other times but under normal circumstances, I find somewhere to lay down but you can't just tell a cop to come back later because your starting to feel ill.
  I have said it suks to be me kinda jokingly but I think it realy does suk to be me. Thats a terrible thing to have to admit to myself. I'm a realist, or try to be anyway, and feel the need to be totaly honest with myself. Things would be so much easier to be able to lie to myself, as I have apparently been doing for the past 30 something years, and believe everything is alright or fixable. As it is, its pretty hard to get my mind around the fact that I have probably been lying to myself for so long. This is going the wrong way.

blah

  Well, things are starting to intensify again.After a couple of weeks of just plain misery, everything starts blowing up again. Don't know what to do. I keep swinging back and forth between rage and depression. Not just anger and a little depressed but full blown rage and tears falling uncontrolably down my face.I can't figure anything that would be a trigger and I can't seem to get it under control. And the screaming in my head is pretty intense too. I have to switch back and forth between turning my music up loud to try to interfeer with the noise and turning it back down because it gets annoying and makes the rage worse. God, one at a time is bad enough but everything blows up around the same time. Poor Cathy is not helping things but she isn't doing anything she hasn't been doing the past couple of weeks. I wish she would realize when I need for her to not make any problems for me but she doesn't.  Later.

Been awhile

  Well its been awhile since my last post. I really don't like doing this but it is the only place I have to express myself and my frustration with life. Nothing has really changed but the date and time. Well, I did get a letter from SS denying my disability claim. That kinda set off another episode. First the anger at the stupidity of it and then the tears from depression. Just another day. Cathy is doing wel considering she can die from just maling herself to tired or exausted. Two nights in a row I woke up to find her trying to move about by herself and plunder through her stuff. She is going to kill herself but she won't listen to me. I can't say I blame her. What kind of life is it for her to just rest all the time? I do try to engage her with conversation sometimes but that never works out to anything good. I try to get her out of the house as much as possible but she is never satisfied with what I can do for her and we end up arguing and mad at each other so I don't take out as often as she would like. So she gets mad about that too. I have to keep taking my Xanax just to keep myself under some kind of control. It doesn't do a good job but it does slow me down enough that I have a little more time to walk away from her before I do too much damage. I was letting myself get dependant on them and had a hard time getting them refilled one time so I slowed down on taking them. Its like everything else in my life, just not there when needed. Anyway, now I will sometimes go without them for a day or two just to know I can. Later.

Still S O S O

  Well, the holidays are over and things weren't too bad. If the noise would go away,  I think it would be easier to cope. It never goes away. It is insidious and makes it impossible for me to get any thing near a normal life for even five minutes, unless I am unconsious. What kind of way is that to live. It makes everything worse. I have the Xanax to help with anxiety and depression ssomewhat but I can't take a dosage high enough to know that I won't explode in public or I will have to go to sleep. My dear sweet wife has to bear the worst of my episodes and she is in no condition to do take all that abuse. I hate that she gets so much abusive treatment but there isn't anyone else to care for her and let her know that she matters. No one else will be there for the long haul. Our son has already stated she, and me when the time comes, will have to go to a nursing home and  Cathy won't live long without someone that cares a lot about her well being and willing to come every time she calls and not wait till she does something on her own and hurts herself. I know there are times at night when I am very tired that I'm not as supportive as I should be. And there are times when things in my head are troublesome and I can't keep control of my temper but I always love and cherrish her and do my best to get some distance and let her know to not bother me unless she really needs something. She doesn't always heed my advice and she suffers some because of it but she wants me and I want to be here for her when ever she wants or needs me. Here it comes again so gotta go.

same ol same ol

  Well, its been a week and things are stagnant. This noise is terrible right now but that isn't unusual. I'm thinking about learning sign language. I don't know if I can keep going with this thing getting worse and worse for the next 20 years.
  Cathy is doing about the same. She wakes up in the morning in pain and spends about and hour and a half to two hours making my life miserable and then she gets worn out and spends most of the rest of the day in bed. But, she gets up again sometime later in the day and starts all over again. Can't blame the dear heart. I don't know how I'ld act in the same position. I recon being somewhat mentally underdeveloped helps some. I still try to keep her from believing she is dying and it still works most of the time.
  It's unbearably hot around here. two ACs trying to cool two rooms and a bathroom can't keep it below 87 inside sometimes. I walk outside and its like the air is too hot and too thick to breath. I'm in terrible shape. We can't afford it but I hired a kid to cut the grass for $30 today. I'm almost afraid for anybody to do anything around here in this heat for fear they might get sick and/or hurt and sue me. This house is the only thing I have of any value to sell after Cathy is gone to restart my life with, somewhere in a better climate. Maybe go up to Alaska. I always wanted to go there. In my condition, it would probably be a toss up as to weather I starved to death before I could freeze to death or vise versa.
  Seams like death is always near in my mind now days. My oldest son died a few years back and Cathy is near dying now and I don't know if I want to be around anymore myself. Maybe go back to being drunk all the time and won't have to care then. Its been a long time since I got into a bar fight. Wonder how things would turn out now days?
  Well, this is depressing enough for now. Later

good and not so good

  Cathy is somewhat stronger but not much. I had a another psych evaluation today and it was a joke. This was the most dis-interested guy I have ever seen. I feel bad about having to get a sitter for Cathy and leaving her for this appointment. She needs me pretty close right now and I abandoned her without anything worthwhile coming out of it. I think I'm going to give all my guns to my son, Joshua. He has been keeping them for me anyway. Multiple reasons for that but I think it best I don't have access to any guns anymore. I might shouldn't be thinking about all this. It makes things come up that I am doing my darndest to keep burried.

Don't know

  Cathy's not doing well. Her pulse and BP aren't as bad as they have been at times but its lower than recent times. She's either sleeping or crying in pain. I am giving her alcahol rubs on her feet abd legs and arms. She's back on oxygen. I'm hopeful.

My poor baby

  Cathy has been having a hard time of it lately. Her little heart just ain't strong enough any more. She is passing out/nodding off a lot now andf when awake, is obsessive about whatever is on her mind. Except for the time she has been out of it, she has spent today crawling around on the floor looking for beads she has dropped. Her mind is slowing down a lot. I hope this is just another bump in the road, like so many she has come through. Kinda tough.

not too bad

  Cathy has spent most of the day in bed. That has been a relief, not having to deal with her very much. My ankle is the worst thing left over from yesterday. I don't know if I mentioned it but I got my Xanax refilled and that helps with controling my anger when Cathy acts like she did yesterday. I shouldn't have to need anything to keep myself under control. I wish I didn't. I know that I love Cathy and should be treasuring every minuite with her instead of getting angry all the time. And my anger doesn't do any good for anybody. And it does hurt Cathy. Thats the worst part. Its not like she doesn't have enough pain and anguish in her life already. And I'm the best option she has. She ain't no angel but she never did anything to deserve all this misery layed on her. Hell, neither have I.

Back to suks

  Well, this morning was supposed to be a short but pleasant day at the flea market but turned out to be the usual argument about buying stuff she has no need for and no capabilities of taking care of. Plants mostly. I let her buy small shoes for her doll. I pushed her all over that place and just wore myself out as well as getting a lot of pain from my back, hips and ankle. I was just barely able to help her back into the van without falling down myself. And nothing I do is ever enough. Now I feel like shit and hurting and she is giving me problems. I have to keep in mind that no matter what happens, I love her and want what is best for her and for her to be as happy as she can in our circumstances. The alternative is not having her around and I am not going to be any better off without her no matter what goes through my mind at times. I'm gonna go lay down and straighten out my back for awhile. Later.

Skipped a day

  Well, I missed posting and it didn't hurt anything. may have been better off for it because I didn't let things come to the surface that bother me. I can't say that about the times when I write in this blog. I have to pay attention to what I'm doing and that leads to thinking and that leads to problems. Gonna try to take Cathy out somewheres this weekend and don't want anything bad coming to the surface before I do so I'm gonna forget about this thing till then. Unless something comes up without any outside influences. Later.

It must be love

  I gave in and am better off for it. Maybe not financially but I don't have the dreaded thoughts about leaving Cathy. I agreed to figure out a way to move her back to Mississippi. I need to find out how much her family is willing to help this time and hold them to it if thats possible. I don't think I'll count on anything that will make a difference in weather or not we have a place to stay or not but if I have to temporarily live in a camper and build an addition, I would be willing to expect them to help with building an addition but I would have to own the land and camper free and clear without depending on anyone else. I know that even a decent fifth wheel camper will be tight but maybe that will be easier for Cathy to get around in because there would be something to hold onto just about everywhere. Is this another fools errand? I think I can make it work. We have plenty of time to figure it all out. It would take me at least a year to get this place in condition to be saleable. Then, no telling how long before anyone might buy it. At least that will be one thing that won't be between me and Cathy anymore. Before today, I had been refusing to even consider moving back to Mississippi again and that may have been more important to her than I had realized. I hope having a goal that she wants will make things easier between us anyway. We'll see.

New day

  How does someone that has trouble getting normal people to understand him talk with someone that has difficulty understanding anything beyond what she wants at the moment? We can't keep going on like this. I can't keep on the way things are. At least the nurse at the clinic I go to called me back late yesterday and should have my Xanax refilled today. I recon that if I can expect Cathy to change the way she is acting, I can start taking the Xanax at regular intervals so I can have better control over myself. Its unreasonable to ask her to change without giving anything myself. Whatever happens, this will be the last person I allow to become such a large part of my life. Probably the last time anyone becomes any thing more than an acquaintance. I have enough problems of my own that I can't deal with, I don't need anyone adding to them. I am going to suggest to Cathy that if she can quit making things hard for me, and we can do it without getting ourselves in a worse situation than we are in now, I'll try to find a way to move us back to Mississippi. It seems that is what is important to her now. If we can even talk anymore. Last night was a pretty big blow up. Things may have gotten beyond anything that can be fixed. I don't know if I should even offer to move back . A lot of things would have to fall in place for us to be able to move back without making our situation worse. If I were to make a promise like that to her and things didn't work out, I don't know how badly she would react. I recon it couldn't get any worse than the way things are now. Its kinda hard to think things through with this noise in my head. Later.

good night not now

  Will I ever get any relief for more than a few hours? Cathy is going at it again. I'm almost ready to call someone to come get her. She is doing everything she knows will piss me off. She talked to her cousin again. She seems to get worse everytime she talks to that bitch. She has no comprehension of how bad she is affecting me. She doesn't want to. I don't know how to impress upon her that if she keeps making my life too miserable that I will not continue. At least I didn't knock a hole in the door or wall this time. The door to the other room is a lot tougher than the one to our bedroom. My hand hurts pretty bad though. I think it was the pain that made me stop beating on the door this time. I think I'd rather the door shatter than my hand. I hurt my ankle too stomping on a cooler. I don't know what to do. If I leave her to whatever fate would do to her without me, will I be able to live with myself?  If I don't have her anymore will I be able to live by myself? Is continuing this miserable existance worth the trouble?

Falling through the cracks

  I am still having problems with getting my Xanax refilled or even getting through to a human that is interested or even cares. I don't know what the problem is. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go down there and try to talk to someone because I don't think I can keep myself under control well enough to not get into trouble. I'm not afraid of trouble myself but I can't risk being detained for aany reason because I need to be able to take care of Cathy. It took me forever to get this clinic to see me. I don't know how to find another doctor here in Florida. No one wants medicaid parients here anymore. I need to get copies of any records I can get ahold of. Starting all the way back to 85 when I messed up my ankle and then 96 when I agrivated my back to where it hurts all the time and recently from when I started trying to get something done to help me make it through some of my troubles. Maybe someday, I'll find a decent health system. If I do, I don't want to depend on anyone to get my records in order and forwarded to where I need them to go. If I have copys of them myself, I'll know they are there when I need them to be there. Later.