Don't think its gonna last

I'm sick and tired of this life. If something doesn't change, I will make something change.

Is it almost time?

  Cathy is very weak. She insisted I take her out to the flea market Saturday morning and I did. I knew better but she wasn't going to be a good girl if I didn't take her. I did everything I could to keep any stress and/or exertion away from her but it wasn't any good. She has been either unconsious or nearly unconsious for three days now except for maybe an hour and some odd minutes anout 3:00 this morning. She was complaining of cold early yesterday through her haze and I put  a heating pad on her upper legs. Her extremities were getting cold and I believe she didn't have enough life in her to keep her body temperature up and keep her heart beating for very long so I did what I thought best. I also had her on oxygen most of the time since she lost consiousness Sat. She made me leave it off after she woke up early this morning. Also, the heating pad was set on only medium but still gave her a blister on her thigh. I'll have to keep a watch out for any signs of infection. She just doesn't have anything extra in her poor little body to fight with any more. Can't continue.

Suprise, suprise

  Out of the blue, my half sister, Cheryl,  called me yesterday.  I was glad to hear from her. I don't know if I should keep in touch with her or not. She is sweet and my sister but we were raised differently. She had her mother protecting her from everything she could and she doesn't seem to have looked much beyound the surface. She also had our father at least sticking around and he was probably as good a father as I was to my sons but I never got the benefit of any of that because he really never wanted to be my father more than a wistfull thought now and then. I didn't know what to do as a father but I did stick around for my kids and my wife. And I do know that even someone like me being always there was better than no one. Anyway, she has a far different view of our world than I do and I don't think my view of things would be good for her. She seems happy from our conversation and she probably deserves to be happy. Or at least she doesn't deserve my miserable reality. And I'm not good at all keeping things to myself if other people keep bringing the subject up. And it seems like her family experiences are important to her. Very much interaction with me would probably disillousion her quite a bit. If nothing else, she probably wouldn't like me at a minimum and my views of the world could make her as miserable as me. I want to tell you that being brutaly honest with ones self is probably not a good thing for most people. At least not people with my history and a sense of honor or compassion. Cathy needs me. I'll have to think about this some more.

Gonna lose it

  This suks. I have to take my Xanax regularly or I face losing Cathy. There are more than one agencys talking about removing Cathy from my care. She won't go for that and it would mess things up bad. She will not allow them to put her in a nursing home and the only other place she has to go is with some of her family back in Mississippi and they aren't willing to make much effort to keep her happy enough to want to keep living. \The social worker for the hospice just came and left. She seems to have her head on straight thank god. She realizes that Cathy won't do well in an instution or anywhere else besides with me. She knows I'm trying to get help also. She just doesn't have enough pull to get beyound the politics of health and mental health care here in Florida. Maybe things will be OK for Cathy to be in my care and I can handle the drugged out feeling I have with the Xanax and make her life OK as long as she is still living. Later.

Why?

  Well, another example of programs set in place more to make the powerfull feel good about what they are doing to help the downtrodden. I have had problems with my teeth for years and fpor months, have been having a good bit of pain. I got a dentist appointment after waiting for over three months and when they took the X-rays, and saw that I have numerous broken teeth, they send me home to wait another three months. Cathy haqd the same problem with one broken tooth but thank the gods that she has the hospice people trying to help her. Knowing that she is a hospice patient, they did the same thing to her but the hospice people got involved and got her tooth pulled a couple of days later.
  I could see the waiting system if they were actualy busy helping patients, but the three times I have been there, (twice with Cathy and once for myself) there is a lot more time spent being friendly with the group that is supposed to be servicing the public than work being done for the public. And this is at the public health department. Not some place supported by rich clients with health insurance to pay for all the "group hugs and back patting " that is going on. These people are being paid by the public to help the public. There is a lot of talk about "entitlements" for the poor and retired but the rich and well off seem to think its their entitlement to take it easy while accepting comparably large compensation arraingments for them to just be there and leasurely do a little work. I did my part as long as I was able. I built schools, hospitals, shopping malls, and power plants all over this country for just a livable wage till I started getting hurt and unable to do my job. Even then, I tried to return to work after getting my own training and certifications as a computer and network technician. I had also always tried before that to do whatever I could. Hard work with your head down was all I could get but I did my best and got my contractors license after state certification but then got hurt again in a car accident where I got rear ended at a traffic light. Now, when I'm bent and broken, there is nothing for me but pain and misery. You know what, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired (pain and misery) all the time.

Here again

  It still suks to  be me. I broke down in the doctors office today. That was hard to go through. I almost walked out. I do need some kind of help but I  don't know if there is anything anyone can do. I don't know what will help that isn't beyound what is acceptable. I will not let anyone put Cathy in a nursing home. She is the only thing anyone could change that would make any difference in my life but I will gladly keep suffering rather than allow her to be put anywhere she doesn't want to be.
  I believe I have Meineres Disease. I have all the symptoms of an advanced case od the disease. What I have always dismissed as a stomach flu or just some little problem is actualy vertigo caused by the Meineres Disease. I have akways just said I was a little dizzy and nauseated when having to answer to anyone about what was wrong with me. Sometimes, it gets a lot worse than just a little dizzy. It can get bad enough for me to have to find somewhere to lay down. I remember one time while talking to a cop that I had to set down to prevent myself from falling down. I now I have felt it as bad as that at other times but under normal circumstances, I find somewhere to lay down but you can't just tell a cop to come back later because your starting to feel ill.
  I have said it suks to be me kinda jokingly but I think it realy does suk to be me. Thats a terrible thing to have to admit to myself. I'm a realist, or try to be anyway, and feel the need to be totaly honest with myself. Things would be so much easier to be able to lie to myself, as I have apparently been doing for the past 30 something years, and believe everything is alright or fixable. As it is, its pretty hard to get my mind around the fact that I have probably been lying to myself for so long. This is going the wrong way.

blah

  Well, things are starting to intensify again.After a couple of weeks of just plain misery, everything starts blowing up again. Don't know what to do. I keep swinging back and forth between rage and depression. Not just anger and a little depressed but full blown rage and tears falling uncontrolably down my face.I can't figure anything that would be a trigger and I can't seem to get it under control. And the screaming in my head is pretty intense too. I have to switch back and forth between turning my music up loud to try to interfeer with the noise and turning it back down because it gets annoying and makes the rage worse. God, one at a time is bad enough but everything blows up around the same time. Poor Cathy is not helping things but she isn't doing anything she hasn't been doing the past couple of weeks. I wish she would realize when I need for her to not make any problems for me but she doesn't.  Later.

Been awhile

  Well its been awhile since my last post. I really don't like doing this but it is the only place I have to express myself and my frustration with life. Nothing has really changed but the date and time. Well, I did get a letter from SS denying my disability claim. That kinda set off another episode. First the anger at the stupidity of it and then the tears from depression. Just another day. Cathy is doing wel considering she can die from just maling herself to tired or exausted. Two nights in a row I woke up to find her trying to move about by herself and plunder through her stuff. She is going to kill herself but she won't listen to me. I can't say I blame her. What kind of life is it for her to just rest all the time? I do try to engage her with conversation sometimes but that never works out to anything good. I try to get her out of the house as much as possible but she is never satisfied with what I can do for her and we end up arguing and mad at each other so I don't take out as often as she would like. So she gets mad about that too. I have to keep taking my Xanax just to keep myself under some kind of control. It doesn't do a good job but it does slow me down enough that I have a little more time to walk away from her before I do too much damage. I was letting myself get dependant on them and had a hard time getting them refilled one time so I slowed down on taking them. Its like everything else in my life, just not there when needed. Anyway, now I will sometimes go without them for a day or two just to know I can. Later.